Funny E-mails :-)

[the main man]

Peter Kay.

 

 

1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said Thyroid problem?

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I s tole one and asked him to forgive me.

3. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming

4. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder.... I don't get on with my real ladder.

5. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

6. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

7. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

8. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should beenough.'

9. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of Meat?

10. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

11. You know that look women get when they want sex ? Me neither.

 

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your back side?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

6. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

7. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

8. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a Horrible crisp no one would eat?

9. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom?

13. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

14. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

15. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

 

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.

4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

8. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

9. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

10. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball...

11. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

12. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

13. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half Way through and then raced against the flush.

14. It?s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

15. You never ever run out of salt.

16. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

17. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

18. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

19. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

20. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

21. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

22. Everyone had an uncle who tried to p inch their nose.

[gyzmo]

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

 

Actually...()...

 

cujus est solum ejus est usque ad coelum et ad infernos.

 

which basically translates as Whoever owns the land, it is theirs up to the sky and down to the depths of Hell.

 

An old common law principle that still exists but is effectively defunct. No, you can't sue BA or NASA.....

Edited February 26, 2009 by gyzmo
forgot to conjugate the verb.....

[hallowitch]

The commanding officer of an Army regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A captain said it was 50-50%.

The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Army.

[the main man]

The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self- help section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

 

If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

 

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

 

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

 

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

 

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

 

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

 

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

 

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

 

How is it possible to have a civil war?

 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

 

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

 

Why are haemorrhoids called 'haemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?

 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

 

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

 

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

[lateralus]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You get out and check - you were driving. '

 

 

 

 

 

 

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Cherie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '

 

 

 

 

 

 

'What on earth did you say? 'asks Cherie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

' I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[jowalshy]

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. Declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and just do nothing

Edited March 23, 2009 by jowalshy
a little tidy up

[jowalshy]

PLEASE READ FIRST!!!!

 

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category

and you also have a small child please take this as a warning.

Don't leave your dog with the child unattended under any circumstances.

Only a little moment was enough for the following to happen.

See the photo attached ....

[jowalshy]

HOW TO BE A PERFECT B!*!H

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best Dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new Young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.

'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the

other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.

I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'

[The GodMother]

Oh i like the photo and the mother of the bride answer to her daughter.

[Brassed off]

Perfect Husband

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his

company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't

taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the

party.

 

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to

force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of

aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a

single red Rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, All

clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect

order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom

mirror.

 

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red

with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

 

 

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you

your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

 

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming

hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

 

Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

 

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over

the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got

that black eye when you ran into the door.

 

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in Such perfect order

and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

 

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b**ch, I'm married!!'

 

 

 

Broken Coffee Table $239.

 

Hot Breakfast $4.

 

Two Aspirins $1.59

 

Saying the right thing, at the right time: PRICELESS

[the main man]

Itsh a well known fact that men shlurr their worddds when they have of shtrong drink partaken.............

 

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

 

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

 

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[SOD'EM]

Pmsl

[The GodMother]

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford

 

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalties Card, the Manager

of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us,

unless your husband stops his antics.

 

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

 

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares.....

and watched what happened.

 

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

 

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in

if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

 

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked,

'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

 

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose and ATE it!

 

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an

assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

 

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

 

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.

 

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

 

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position

and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

 

And; last, but not least:

 

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly,

'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Yours sincerely,

 

Charles Brown

Store Manager

[The GodMother]

CURTAIN RODS - PRICELESS

 

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and

suitcases.

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

 

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining

room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted

on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .

 

 

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and

deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of

the curtain rods.

 

 

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his

new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

 

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

 

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

 

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .

 

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set

off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in

the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing

worked!!!

 

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

 

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

 

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not

find a buyer for their stinky house.

 

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their

calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a

new place ...

 

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going

 

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said

that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her

divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back

 

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price

that was about 1/10th of what the house had

been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .

 

 

 

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

 

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the

moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

 

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

[The GodMother]

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

 

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

 

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

 

'Yes or no,' she replied.

 

________________________________

 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

 

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

 

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

 

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

 

________________________________

 

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

 

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

 

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

 

________________________________

 

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

 

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

 

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

 

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

________________________________

 

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

 

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

 

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

 

Cars are backed up for miles.

 

Finally, a police car comes up.

 

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

 

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

 

________________________________

 

 

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

 

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

 

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

 

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

 

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

 

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

[The GodMother]

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

 

 

 

 

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

 

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

 

As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bit to eat.'

 

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

 

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

 

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:

 

 

 

 

'IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING'....

[The GodMother]

Well, along the same vein:

 

To my dear wife:

 

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, with your 54 years, can no longer satisfy.

 

I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this fax, hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary in the Comfort Inn hotel.

 

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.

 

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining-room table:

 

My dear husband:

 

Received your fax and thank you for your honesty.

 

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be in the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

 

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation ... although with one small difference:

 

18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18 ...

 

And therefore I wont be back before lunchtime tomorrow!

[The GodMother]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive….

So, I took her to a gas station.

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I’d like to phone a friend."

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for

Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify

my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and

come back later The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the

Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten

Disability, too’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,

grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back

out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned

on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband

is out fishing in that?’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at A

nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ’she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I

hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got

out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and Little things

just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s when the fight started...

 

****

 

A man and a woman were sleeping like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, there was a loud noise outside. The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man, "Holy ****! That must be my husband!"

So the guy leaped out of the bed, and stark naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man. He crashed to the ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, well then, why were you running?"

And that's when the fight started...

 

****

 

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream at night.

And that's when the fight started....

 

****

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's when the fight started.....

 

****

 

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

[The GodMother]

Dear Tide:

 

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.

 

Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

 

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

 

Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

 

In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

 

Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

 

What a relief. I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

 

Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...

 

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife.

[The GodMother]

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

 

 

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

 

 

For example:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

 

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

 

No further studies are expected.

[Mr lex]

:lol:

[the main man]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court , word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTO RNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[**Tilly**]

Delia's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice-cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for goodness sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way

Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way

Tesco's' sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

Delia's Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough sh!t. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

Delia's Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks

The Real Woman's Way

It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Delia's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you wont give a sh*t?

Delia's Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way

Why do I have a man?

Finally the most important tip

Delia's Way

 

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman's Way

Left over wine???? Helllloooo!! ***************************************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[gyzmo]

I like that one:D

[SOD'EM]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious

object was discovered in a car.

 

It later turned out to be a tax disc

 

Bo *not sure whether to hide from Sod 'Em or Janet-M*

 

 

 

Try Bo th:mad: