Funny E-mails :-)

[The GodMother]

left over wine i dont drink cheap stuff so wine is never left over. Only cheap stuff goes in dinners.

[Brassed off]

Subject: Swine Flu

In light of recent news please avoid the following activity...

 

I am so in trouble

save

Edited May 1, 2009 by Brassed off

[kiptower]

Paddy rings his wife and tells her, he's running out of petrol and is scared to stop at the garage for the fear of Swine Flu.

 

She said" it's in Mexico you ****** idiot not Texaco"

[The GodMother]

lol

[Thailand]

Just got this in my inbox (off the OP I might add)

 

I thought it was hilarious!

 

Imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this...

 

 

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks heard this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game iscalled 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same =three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

The Harbour City dropped to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

 

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

 

DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'

 

Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'

 

DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast ifyou win.What is your name? First only please.'

 

Contestant: 'Brian.'

 

DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'

 

Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'

 

DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'

 

Brian: 'Sara.'

 

DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'

 

Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'

 

DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'

 

Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'

 

DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'

 

Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'

 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

 

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'

 

DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'

 

Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'

 

DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have saidthat if a trip wasn't at stake.'

 

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'

 

DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this =morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'

 

DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'

 

Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with usfor couple of weeks...'

 

DJ: 'Uh huh...'

 

Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

 

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

 

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'

 

DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundredtimes I've done it.Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number andcall her up.

 

You listen to this.'

[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

 

DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?'

(Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

 

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

 

Clerk: 'This is she.'

 

DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now andI've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to

give any..answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... Do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

 

Sarah: 'No.'

 

DJ: 'Good!'

 

Brian: (laughing)

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'

 

Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Becompletely honest..'

 

DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. Ifyour answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off tothe Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

 

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

 

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'

 

DJ: 'What time?'

 

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

 

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'

Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect hismanhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question awayfrom a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'

 

Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

 

DJ: 'Where did you have it?'

 

Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'

 

Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'

 

DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'

 

Sarah: 'Well...'

 

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

 

Sarah: 'Up the a***.....'

 

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to havea heart attack , he could not stop laughing.

Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Policejust after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions

[suzieblooz]

:DThat's the funniest email I've seen in ages - Thanks Thai

[The GodMother]

that does not get boring. A aussy relative of the OHs posted it on Facebook

[ems15298]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.

 

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

 

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

 

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

 

 

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

 

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

Love you,

Vinnie

[kiptower]

an oldie doing the rounds,

 

Do you fart in bed?

 

IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME

KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.

 

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED

FOR YEARS.

 

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S

HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

 

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM

OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

 

 

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS

PERFECTLY NATURAL.

 

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE

DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

 

 

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN

ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

 

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS

SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

 

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL

TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATHROOM.

 

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE

FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

 

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN

HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

 

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE

SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT. ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME

AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

 

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

 

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP

FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

 

'BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO

FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN!'

[kiptower]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Dicky?'

'Yes, Father, it is.

'And who was the girl you were with?

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.

'Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?

'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Brown?

'I'll never tell.

'Was it Margaret Doyle?

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.

'Was it Anne O' Neil?

'My lips are sealed.

'Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?

'4 Months holiday and five good leads'.

[Thailand]

Nice!

[kiptower]

now dont blame me, this is what i was sent :rolleyes:

 

 

Brilliant Joke, for men , Women : just read the first half !

 

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

 

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied,

 

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

 

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

 

 

 

 

The man had a heart attack ten times milderthan his wife!!!

 

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

 

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

 

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

 

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour.

[gyzmo]

Not emailed, but oft told to me by some elderly friends of mine.

 

I got stung by a bee yesterday.

Ten quid for a jar of honey. The robbing B****rd!

 

......................................................................

 

Walking down the street, I inadvertently stood in some dog poo.

I scraped it off and carried on, when a few seconds later I heard a yelp from behind. Someone else had stood in the same dog poo and slipped a bit.

"I just done that!" I shouted back to him.

He then ran over to me, grabbed me by the hair, rubbed my nose in the poo and said "You dirty little sod! Next time use a toilet".

 

.......................................................

 

My mam used to give me 50p pocket money each Friday. I was especially made up when she said she bought me a special money box to put my money in. It was only 10 years later when I realised that the money box was the gas meter.......

 

.................................................................

 

I was interviewing some candidates for the job of music teacher a couple of days ago. Besides myself there were three other people on the panel.

The third candidate, who hailed from York, walked in and we commenced the interview.

"Did you get here OK?" I asked.

"Yes thank you. But not to appear too disinterested, I have a return ticket for the train and I really must get the 2:15 from Paddington".

"OK, we'll cut to the chase then. How well do you know Brahms?"

"Oh very well. I went to school with him. Scallywag, he was. But listen, I really do have to make sure I get this train at 2:15."

"Right, OK. And Beethoven, do you know him?"

"Well yes, my mother used to invite him round for tea quite often. nice chap he was - bit strange though, what with that trumpet in his ear and everything."

"How about Sibelius?"

"Yes, wonderful chap. Taught him everything I know. But listen, I'm sorry to be a bore, but I really must get this train at 2:15 if you don't mind hurrying."

"OK, Mozart?"

"Played duets with him at the Albert Hall. I gave him a few ditties to work on"

"Arne?"

"I bought him his trumpet - amazing the tunes he belted out on it - Glenn Miller was proud of him. Now, I'm sorry but I really must get my train - I've got to run to Paddington for the 2:15 to York"

 

At this point we concluded the interview, thank him for attending and bade farewell. Being the last interview of the day, we discussed the candidates. I was asked by the panel what I thought of our last interviewee.

"Well," I said "he's obviously a liar."

"Really?" came the reply. "What on eaeth makes you think that?"

 

"Well, I come from York as well and I checked the timetable and there is no 2:15 from Paddington"

[Rippedoff2008]

 

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

[Rippedoff2008]

I'll try again

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

 

I called him a Nazi Turd, He glared at me and started writing out another ticket for worn tyres.

 

My wife called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and stuck it on the windscreen with the first.

 

Then he started to write a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

The more we abused him the moe tickets he wote.

 

Perrsonally we didnt care, we came in by bus.

 

We try to have a little fun every day, its important at our age!

[The GodMother]

Ripped off 2008 that was brill.

[Rippedoff2008]

Hope this one doesnt offend, apologies

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

 

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

 

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

 

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, th e fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.They had one son, Jack.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

 

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the ne wspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

 

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

 

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[The GodMother]

hahahahaha thats good

[SOD'EM]

Dave Smith, A young window cleaner was cleaning the bedroom windows of the local parish, when he saw the Vicar in a very compromising position with his own hand. Startled by being seen, the Vicar rushes downstairs outside to try and sort out the embarrassing situation with the young lad.

 

He asks the lad if he had seen anything whilst up the ladder, and being a church going lad, he did not like to lie. So he says to the Vicar "I'm sorry father, but I cannot tell a lie...I saw everything."

 

The Vicar (obviously worried) says "How much do you get paid by the church for cleaning the parish windows?"

 

The window cleaner replies "I get £10 a week Father."

 

The Vicar then says "What if we made it £50 a week, and maybe then you can say you didn't see anything."

 

The window cleaner agrees and accepts the Vicars offer.

 

 

Two weeks later after Sunday Mass, a little old lady was admiring how sparkly clean the Vicars windows were. Whilst talking to the Vicar, she asks him who cleans his windows for him.

 

The Vicar says "It's a local lad Dave Smith, he only lives around the corner."

 

Still admiring the windows, she says to the Vicar "I might ask him to do my windows for me, do you mind if I ask how much he charges?".

 

The Vicar has told enough lies so decides to tell the truth on this one, so he says "I pay him £50 a week."

 

The old lady replies....

 

" £50 A WEEK?????...........:-|

 

HE MUST HAVE SEEN YOU COMING."

[The GodMother]

Clydesdale Bank,

[email protected]

 

Good Day,

 

I am David Thorburn Chief Operating Officer, Clydesdale Bank. I am

getting in touch with you regarding the estate of a deceased client

with similar last name and an investment placed under our banks

management 8 years ago.

 

 

I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail

confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by

as a result of this mail. I contact you independently and no one is

informed of this communication.

 

In mid 2001, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to

make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in here in the United

Kingdom. He directed that I liquidate the funds and deposit it with a

security firm. I informed him that Clydesdale Bank would have to make

special arrangements to have this done and in order not to circumvent

due process, the bank would have to make a 9.5 % deduction from the

funds to cater for banking and statutory charges. He complained about

the charges but later came around when I explained to him the

complexities of the task he was asking of us. Cash movement across

boarders has become especially strict since the incidents of 9/11. I

contacted my affiliate and made the funds available to the security

firm. I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his

precise instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited with the

security firm. The Security Firm is a specialist private firm that

accepts deposits from high net worth individuals and blue chip

corporations that handle valuable products or undertake transactions

that need immediate access to cash. This small and highly private

organization is familiar especially to the highly placed and well-

connected organizations. In line with instructions, the money was

deposited with the security firm.

 

However Security firm got in touch with us last year that this money

has not been claimed. On further enquiries we found out that Anthony

Died of a heart attack in Cannes, South of France, which means he died

intestate. He has no next of kin.

 

What I propose is that since I have exclusive access to his file, you

will be made the beneficiary of these funds. My bank will contact you

informing you that money has been willed to you. On verification, which

will be the details I make available to my bank, my bank will instruct

the headquarters to make payments to you. You do not have to have known

him. I know this might be a bit heavy for you but please trust me on

this. For all your troubles I propose that we split the money in half.

In the banking circle this happens every time. The other option is that

the money will revert back to the state.

 

Nobody is getting hurt; this is a lifetime opportunity for us. I hold

the KEY to these funds, and as a British National we see so much cash

and funds being re-assigned daily. I would want us to keep

communication for now strictly by email Please, again, note I am a

family man; I have a wife and children. I send you this mail not

without a measure of fear as to t the consequences, but I know within

me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches

never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have

learned from my private banking clients. Do not betray my confidence.

If we can be of one accord, we should act swiftly on this. Please

pardon my writing mistakes. Please get back to me immediately.

 

I await your response.

 

[email protected]

 

Regards,

David Thorburn

[**Tilly**]

In order

to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all

citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must

be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a penny' is not to be used after

31st December 2009.

From this

date, the correct terminology to be used will be:

'Euronating'.

Thank you

for your attention.

[The GodMother]

lol tilly

[mazbck]

Afternoon all. I got this one from a mate just last week and thought it was class.............

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on................

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

 

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

 

I really love the next one!!!

 

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine 'Off'.

 

Please share this with those who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!

[gyzmo]

I loved that one - first proper smile I've had in ages.

[sunflower99]

love this thread! cheered my evening up!