Really Bad Jokes

[The cobbett slayer]

Bad Jokes.

 

Bally35 started it in another thread - here's the worst joke I know.

 

I met a Dutch girl. She was wearing inflatable footwear.

 

I rang her for a date but sadly she had popped her clogs.

[barracad]

How do you know policemen are strong? Because they can hold up traffic. What do termites eat for breakfast? Oakmeal. What do massage therapists eat for dinner? Spa-ghetti.Why were the suspenders arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.How does the queen bee get around her hive? She's throne. What do bees do if they don't want to drive? Wait at the buzz stop. Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here." Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" What's the friendliest school? Hi school. What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard. (It's good for a hot dog.) How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler. (more to follow....)

[dizzy delilah]

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a holiday in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he’d written her address, he did his best to type it from memory. Unfortunately, he missed out a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away the previous day. When the grieving widow checked her email, she looked at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and passed out. Her family rushed into the room, found their mother on the floor and this message on the screen;

DEAREST WIFE, JUST GOT CHECKED IN, EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.

PS. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE

[Rooster-UK]

Man out walking two dogs. A woman says to him, "Are they Jack Russells?"

The man replies, "No, they're mine!"

 

!st man: I always drink 15 cups of coffee before I go to bed.

2nd man: How on earth do you sleep at night?

1st man: No problem, it's "fair-trade" coffee.

[dizzy delilah]

Who goes round carrying a red sack and biting people?

 

Santa Jaws

[dizzy delilah]

Ok, last one for today....

 

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

[dave]

What's E.T. short for?

 

 

...he's got little legs.

[dave]

I went to the vets the other day with my dog, the vet picked him up, looked him in the eye and said "I'm going to have to put him down."

 

I said "Is he THAT ill?"

 

He said, "No, he's just heavy."

[bally35]

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick

[bally35]

What do big cats eat for breakfast

Cheetahbix

(courtesy of my 7 year old son)

Speaking of "courtesy jokes", my "courtesy car" is a red nissan micra (have three kids and husband)

I wonder which of us is Big Ears

[dave]

I went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I can't pronounce my 'F's, 'H's or 'T's"

 

He said, "Well, you can't say fairer than that then!"

[BaldyBaldwin]

hinge and bracket are teaming up with handel, they are reforming the Doors

[ohoh4312]

What did the ghost teacher say to the class?

"OK, everyone look at the board and I'l go through it again"

 

What goes up in the air and wobbles?

A Jellycopter

 

What do you get if you cross a triple-jumper with a boxer?

A hop, skip and a thump

[bally35]

What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?

Virgin megastore

[HSBCrusher]

What do cars do at the disco?

Brake dance

 

This mushroom walked into a dance club and asked this girl to dance.

She replied, "Are you kidding? You are a mushroom!!" And the mushroom replied, "Oh come on. I am a FUN GUY!!"

 

Why do ants dance on jam jars?

Because the jar says 'twist to open'!

 

How do you get a tissue to dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

 

What do cows like to dance to?

Any kind of moosic they like!

 

How many dance teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

[HSBCrusher]

Did you hear about the boat full of burgundy paint that crashed into a deserted island?

The crew was completely marooned!

[HSBCrusher]

A lion, a bear and a chicken are sitting in a pub discussing which one's the hardest.

The bear says "When I growl, the entire forest runs for cover."

The lion says "That's nothing. When I roar, everything on the plains of Africa shakes with fear."

The chicken thinks for a while then says "Funnily enough, when I sneeze, the entire world **** itself."

[HSBCrusher]

The European Union(EU) has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl rite n styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. we haf wayz of makin yu talk to pepol.

[matt_smith2000]

Sorry to lower the tone a little (not too much I hope)

 

How many screws are there in a lesbians bed?

 

Non, its all tongue and groove

[sea-sidelady]

A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

 

"But why?" protested the hapless young man.

 

"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

[Rooster-UK]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Only one, but the bulb must really WANT to change.

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A Fish.

[HSBCrusher]

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Nine.

 

One to do the job, the other 8 to sing about how good the old one was.

[PPMAN159]

A man goes to his doctor and says that he thinks that he is Tom Jones and if this disocrder is rare.

 

The Doctor replied 'Its not unusual'

[PPMAN159]

A man goes into a pub with an Octopus under his arm.

 

He says to the man behind the bar 'This Octopus can play any musical intrument that it is given' to which the barman replies 'OK see if it can play this guitar'

 

The next minute the Octopus is playing a wonderful tune on said guiitar.

 

The barman is not impressed and goes to get a trumpet.

 

No porblem for ther Octopus as it plays the trumpet like Louis Armstrong.

 

The barman is now beginnig to get a bit annoyed and tries to think of something that will stop the Octopus dead in its tracks.

 

He disappears for a short while and then returns with a set of bagpipes.

 

'See if it can play these'

 

The Otopus takes hold of the pipes but appears confused and not a sound is heard for over 10 minutes.

 

The barman asks the owner whjat the problem is, to which he replies

 

'Give him time-he is trying to work out whether to play it or f*** it'

[ohoh4312]

I think this ones quite good, but you really need to tell it to an Irish accountant (like my Dad for instance!):

 

Tony, a builder and Patrick, an accountant, sitting at the bar.

 

Tony asks: there are three trees with a pile of dung underneath each one. What does that make?

 

Patrick: I have absolutely no idea

 

Tony (in an Irish accent): Well tree trees are nine and tree turds are one, so ten of course. Call yourself an accountant?