Funny E-mails :-)

[The GodMother]

Mazbck

 

I love that. It is so tru with somr of the microsoft stuff.

[mazbck]

I still chuckle away at it when I read it

[The GodMother]

but it is so true with some comps

[mazbck]

Here's one I just got today and it made me giggle.....

 

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

 

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'

 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked

 

 

'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling a***-****s.'

 

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said

 

 

'You doing velly well, only two left'.

Edited July 30, 2009 by mazbck
spelling

[gyzmo]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,

 

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

 

"All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added,

 

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[mkb]

My Mum sent me this one & it still has me guffawing!

 

THIS IS TOO FUNNY!!

 

> (If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through

> the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead

> goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out

> LOUD!)

>

> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

>

> Here's what happened:

>

> Just after dinner one night, my son came up telling me

> there was 'something wrong' with one of the two

> lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

>

> 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm

> serious, Dad. Can you help?'

>

> I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and

> followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards

> was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I

> immediately knew what to do.

>

> 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

>

> 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.. 'She's having

> babies.'

>

> 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are

> Bert and Ernie, Mom !'

>

> I was equally outraged.

>

> 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

> want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

>

> 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their

> cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this

> sarcastically!)

>

> 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I

> reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet

> voice, while gritting my teeth).

>

> 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

>

> 'Well, it's a little hard to tell on some guys, you

> know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

>

> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see

> what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make

> the best of it.

>

> 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'

> I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle

> of birth..'

>

> 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

>

> 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do

> with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted

> to know.

>

> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what

> looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing

> a scant second later.

>

> 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I

> noted.

>

> 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

>

> 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

>

> 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed

> the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

> It disappeared. I tried several more times with the

> same results.

>

> 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

>

> 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You

> see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

>

> 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to

> the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

>

> 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

>

> 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to

> him.. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I

> mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy

> is of her womb, for God's sake!).

>

> The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and

> peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

>

> 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested

> scientifically.

>

> 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs.

> Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

>

> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

>

> 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

>

> 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not

> in labor.. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .

> Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And

> occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most

> male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just

> the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,

> glancing at my wife..

>

> We were silent, absorbing this.

>

> 'So, Ernie's just . just . ... . excited?' my wife offered.

>

> 'Exactly! ! the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

>

> More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to

> giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

>

> 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not

> believing that the woman I married would commit

> the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness....

>

> Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . .

> I'm picturing you pulling on its ..... . . its. . . teeny little . . '

> She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once

> more.

>

> 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and

> hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into

> the car.... He was glad everything was going to be okay.

>

> 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'

> he told me.

>

> 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing

> with laughter.

>

> Two lizards: $140.

>

> One cage: $50.

>

> Trip to the vet: $30.

>

> Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

>

> Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class; lizards lay eggs!!

[The GodMother]

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

 

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

 

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

 

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts ... and she decks him!

 

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

 

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker licence!'

[mazbck]

 

Just had to let everyone see this, I got it about 5 minutes ago from my best mate!:D:D:D:D

 

 

 

 

The big bad Wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

The little piggy said "F*ck off or I'll sneeze on you

 

********************************************************************************************************************

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The GodMother]

lol i love that one maz.

[kiptower]

1.. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy Crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "morning." He said "no just having a crap".

 

2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I Realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to Forgive me.

 

 

3. I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbour, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

[the main man]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

 

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.

 

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

 

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!

 

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

 

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

 

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

 

'No,' the woman replies. I work for the Inland Revenue..'

[gyzmo]

rofpml

[kiptower]

Swine Flu paranoia getting out of hand!

 

 

now i'm sure that pig's on here somewhere , was it in an avatar ?

[locutus]

Murphy's law and corallaries

 

 

- Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

- Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

- Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

- Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

- Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

- Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

- Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

- Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

- Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

- Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

- Ballpeen Corallary: Severe external force may be needed to demonstrate intermittent mechanical performance.

- Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

- Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

- Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

- Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

- Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.

- Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

- Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

- Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

- Education Corallary: Once you have learned how everything is currently done, nothing further is possible.

- Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

[jowalshy]

True Friendship "Aussie Style"

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those **** weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get pickled and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whining.

6.When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy backside, but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend.

Friendship is like ****ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4

[the main man]

Men's Rules

We keep getting all these, "rules from the woman's side", emails so we figured it was time for a "rules from the man's side" email. These are our rules! Learn them, memorize them and use them!

Please note these are all numbered "1" for a reason!

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Saturday = Sports

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, its genetic.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will believe you.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

 

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[up2meears]

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!

Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.

I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

 

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW!!!

[mazbck]

Got this last night and forgot to repost it here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Police Complaint - just brilliantThis is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public

A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written

 

Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

 

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleaguesin Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

 

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

 

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.

This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

 

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

 

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.

If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

 

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

 

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

 

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me

I remain your obedient servant

 

 

Mr ??????,

 

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police

 

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you

 

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable

 

Regards

 

Community Beat Officer

 

 

 

Dear PC ???????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to myoriginal e-mail 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama

 

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in

Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free tocontact me on ??????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub

 

Regards

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact

Edited September 18, 2009 by mazbck

[up2meears]

SORRY ABOUT THE REPEAT OF THE JOKE I POSTED ABOVE......I MISSED A PAGE - DUH

 

 

A cabbie picks up a nun.

>

> She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver

won't

> stop staring at her.

>

> She asks him why he is staring.

>

> He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend

you.'

>

> She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am

and

> have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

just

> about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask

that I

> would find offensive.'

>

> 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

>

> She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

> # 1, you have to be single and

> # 2, you must be Catholic.'

>

> The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and

Catholic!'

>

> 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

> The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker

blush.

> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

>

> 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'why are you crying?'

>

> 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married

and

> I'm Jewish.'

>

> The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a

Halloween

> party.

>

[ErikaPNP]

My (male) friend sent me this one:

 

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t fee like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said “WHAT? WHAT WAS THAT?”

 

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

 

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

 

 

 

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?”

 

 

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

 

 

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

[Ell-enn]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and

Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?

Lemonade? Iced tea?' 'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?'

she asked. 'Oh, probably catch a movie,

and then maybe grab a bite to eat at

the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

 

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued,

'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

 

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulously.

'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

 

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began

thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs

looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and

a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

 

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

 

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue

burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

 

'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

 

'The dance is called the Twist!'

[**Tilly**]

Cake or Bed!!

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

 

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

 

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

 

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'

WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS

'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A

COUPLE OF HOURS.................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

TO GO HOME

 

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

 

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,

'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[locutus]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 

The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

 

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up a month ago on the M8.

 

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the crash, and we were unable to find it.'

 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!

 

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.. It's £1000 an inch.'

 

The man perks up at this.

 

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want'.

 

But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

 

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

 

'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

 

'I have,' says the man.

 

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

 

'She has,' says the man.

 

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

 

 

 

 

'We're getting a new kitchen.'

[The GodMother]

Ouch!

[kiptower]

A lion in edinburgh zoo was lying in the sun licking it's arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said ''that's a dopey auld b*****d isn't it?''

''nae danger'' said the keeper, ''it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. just an hour ago it dragged a Celtic supporter into the cage and completly devoured him.''

'' feck me'' said the astonished visitor ''but why is it lying there licking it's arse?''

''poor thing is trying to get the taste out his mouth!!........''