You'd wish you had sent this to the Bank yourself

[SOD'EM]

A Letter to The Bank --- that you wish you'd written!

 

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between you clearing the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with £35.00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

 

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2008, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

 

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

 

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

 

Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

 

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours:-

 

My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guide through an extensive set of menus:-

 

1. To make an appointment to see me

2. To query a missing repayment

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer: To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1>through 9.

10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:......."Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for".

 

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

 

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £15.00 per page.

Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £3.00 per minute of my time spent in response.

Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at £1.50 per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

 

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.

 

 

 

Yours Sincerely

 

 

SOD'EM

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Going My Way]

:lol::lol::lol:

[citizenB]

Oh yes, dont you just wish :lol:

[bazak1]

Ha HA HA !

[Tau]

Pmsl

[Gazza112]

Sod'em

 

That was brilliant:D:D:D:)

 

Gaz

[nicsussex]

Oh no - not again - funny though this may be it has been posted so many times before!

[SOD'EM]

Well. Judging by all the responses (except yours), none of the above have seen it, and probably a lot more haven't. It is not doing any harm. But if you felt an urge to post that comment and not just keep it to yourself, you just go for gold.

 

Glad you can sleep at night.

[Lula]

oh Sod'em, this really has been posted alot, you just wait until Auntie Bookie tells you about it lol

[SOD'EM]

oh Sod'em, this really has been posted alot, you just wait until Auntie Bookie tells you about it lol

 

PLEEAAAAAASSSSE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not Auntie Bookie. I am too young to know it has been posted before. Too young to die.

 

There are still a few out there (including myself) that hadn't seen it. They deserve a laugh as much as anyone.

 

LOL:D

 

P.S. I never got it off this website (and that's a promise)

[Bookworm]

snopes.com: Bounced Check Complaint

 

So now, I don't wish I had sent it to the bank, as they would probably write back and say: "You're sending us a hoax letter, fool!". (their customer services is run by Mr T. )

[SOD'EM]

(their customer services is run by Mr T. )

 

I Pity The Fools!!!

 

LMAO:-D

Edited October 13, 2008 by SOD'EM
Typo

[Lula]

PLEEAAAAAASSSSE NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not Auntie Bookie. I am too young to know it has been posted before. Too young to die.

 

 

 

oo young, just how she likes em

[veester]

brilliant

[SOD'EM]

oo young, just how she likes em

 

[Bookworm]

indeed.

[nicsussex]

Well. Judging by all the responses (except yours), none of the above have seen it, and probably a lot more haven't. It is not doing any harm. But if you felt an urge to post that comment and not just keep it to yourself, you just go for gold.

 

Glad you can sleep at night.

 

Seems a bit harsh - is someone feeling a little bit tetchy?

[Lula]

Nahh he is ok, his young blood just getting all fired up for nothing, Auntie Bookie soon sorted him out

[Goldlady]

Well it made me laugh even if it is an old one:D

[SOD'EM]

Seems a bit harsh - is someone feeling a little bit tetchy?

 

Sorry nic, didn't mean to sound tetchy:oops: (slaps own wrist).

 

It's just that- If I was in a pub for instance and someone told an old joke I'd heard before, I wouldn't say "I've heard that a hundred times before".

 

Sorry again:wink:

[SOD'EM]

Well it made me laugh even if it is an old one:D

 

TYVM indeed:)

[Bookworm]

It's just that- If I was in a pub for instance and someone told an old joke I'd heard before' date=' I wouldn't say "I've heard that a hundred times before". [/quote']Should I ever find myself into such an establishment (which I don't, ever -shut it, SSL-), I wouldn't either... I have however been known to utter a fake laugh and say: "Gosh, it gets better every time I hear it." in a deadpan voice, which never fails to give it away to my mates that I am in the process of extracting the urine by the bucket. It's ok, they do it to me too.

[nat]

PMSL

I had never seen it before sod'em, so thank you

[SOD'EM]

Should I ever find myself into such an establishment (which I don't, ever -shut it, SSL-)

 

LOOOOOOL.

 

I guess the next meet will have to be held outdoors then.

[SOD'EM]

PMSL

I had never seen it before sod'em, so thank you

 

You are most welcome.

 

 

 

 

 

This is becoming a really fun thread

Edited October 13, 2008 by SOD'EM
Typo