Funny E-mails :-)

[The GodMother]

its ur fault Bo

[Brassed off]

Yeah that's it, blame me

[The GodMother]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

 

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

 

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do the they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[The GodMother]

you sent me the emails and you started the thread

[The GodMother]

British Council flat tenants complaining about Problems with their

 

flats!!

 

 

 

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has Fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back

passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad

wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9 I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it

yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50%

are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to

drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across

the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too

much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in

the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like

a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you

please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no

satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get

BBC2

[Brassed off]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

 

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am tryingto establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had?just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 

 

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F**k would you have said?

[kiptower]

with out the extra's

 

ProofThat The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do the they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

And deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning!)

[Brassed off]

 

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

 

A job for Janet-M *gets coat*

[Brassed off]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

 

 

 

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

 

* Get off the merry-go-round, you're ****ed.*

[Brassed off]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious

object was discovered in a car.

 

It later turned out to be a tax disc

 

Bo *not sure whether to hide from Sod 'Em or Janet-M*

[Brassed off]

The Centipede

 

 

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a

pet.

He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an

unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which

came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he

would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's

place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his

new pet.

This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?'

There was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and

pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting hisface up

against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you

like to go to Frank's place and have a beer with me?

A little voice came out of the box:

 

'I heard you the first time !

I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on!'

[The GodMother]

Bo littlen did not get it...............but she is only 7 mths so we will forgive her.

[jowalshy]

Inland Revenue's attempt at humour:-

 

Dear Mr Addison,

 

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

 

I will address them, as ever, in order.

 

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.

 

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and ****ant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

 

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

 

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

 

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

 

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

 

Yours Sincerely,

H J Lee Customer Relations

[The GodMother]

Jo nice one that they would still want the money.

[jailbird]

This is a copy of a recent letter I delivered to my Housing Assoc.........................

Dear Sir,

Further to my recent telephone conversation with your office requesting that you attend and look at the mess the grass cutters had made and your subsequent telephone message left on my answer phone I write to enlighten you of a few facts that you would have seen if you had not used the telephone.

Whilst on this subject of not attending I would like the name of your optician as my eyes are very obviously seeing something completely different from my lounge windows to those of yours at Sumner House.

You told me that the grass had just been flattened and that it would 'spring back' in 2/3 days. My front lawn looks like it has been 'raped' leaving no DNA evidence. David Bellamy would be hard pushed to bring this back to life! Whilst on the subject of David Bellamy, he would be able to make a 6 part series here on Meadowcroft Road and the surrounding area and the residents now feel that this smacks of neglect on those responsible.

The bald track that goes across the full length of the lawn looks like Lord Lucan has just ridden Shergar over it and, like the grass cutter, is not to be seen again.

I tried to converse with the grass cutter at the time of the 'raping' and once he had taken the ear plus from his ears that were attached to his ipod, thrown his 'fag' down and ASBO, my dog, had barked at him, he decided that he would switch the engine off.

Have you ever wondered why you bother ?

His moronic, dulcid tones will stay with me for a long time. Even ASBO shut up which takes some doing!

I am unable to repeat what he said as I did not understand myself. At this point I thought it better to return to my home, take a vast quantity of Valium and retire to a dark room.

I have spent a vast amount of time and money on YOUR property in the last 13 years and take great pride in my home and garden. I do not think it would take a great deal of time and effort for xxx xxxxxxxx to take the same pride and actually do something about these contractors. This is not the first time this has happened or been reported. Nor sadly is it the first time it has been completely ignored.

Perhaps I should take a seat out into street between 10pm and 5am and buy drugs off the number of dealers that visit my neighbor and then I would attract the attention of the Management Team at xxx xxxxxxxx and perhaps even be granted an audience.

I await a reply

[The GodMother]

Jail bird

 

I can completly relate to some of that letter i mean how many ppl have the councils grass cutters and they have done a bad job and how many ppl have complained and been ignored?

[jailbird]

This is a real job application submitted to a McDonald's in Florida. He was hired for his sense of humor, and honesty.

 

 

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

 

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

 

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

 

EDUCATION: Yes.

 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

[jailbird]

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[jailbird]

Cat Lover or Not, this is Hysterical!

 

 

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top

this one:

 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate

my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

 

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the

truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had

sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the

next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the

bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had

given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.

Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

)

 

 

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my

wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

 

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

 

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower

pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

 

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me

in?'

 

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a

second.'

 

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent

outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior

as extremely cowardly.

 

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find

the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

 

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal

teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling

objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the

corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise

moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly

offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational

thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent

rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine

region.

 

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men,

in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from

experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and

cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

 

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

 

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself

lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there,

done-that' paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all

snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying

to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

 

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back

in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me

about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk

about, which it was.

 

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

 

 

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

[jailbird]

Subject: A girl's night out

 

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are

married....If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost

your sense of humour.

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told

my husband that I would be home by midnight , 'I promise!'

 

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m. , a bit loaded, I headed for home.

 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up

and cuckooed 3 times.

 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed

another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted

solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

 

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12

cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

 

Th e next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him

' MIDNIGHT '... He didn't seem ****ed off in the least.

 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo

clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed

three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its

throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,

and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[jailbird]

Got a great one about christmas but dont think I would be allowed to put it on due to bad language lol

[sillygirl1]

Whats the difference between a snowman and snow woman?

 

SNOWBALLS........

[The GodMother]

the maccy ds one is brill

[The GodMother]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely

quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

 

"The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate. What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[lateralus]

i'm sure everyone in the world has probably seen this - but this my kind of humour - - -