Funny joke

[mrsc]

BLONDE EVER JOKE BEST

 

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help

me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get

started."

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over

the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says,

 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

 

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

 

[Mr lex]

Brilliant !!!!!

[ukaviator]

One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.

 

The doctor asked what happened.

 

She said "I was ironing and the phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake.

 

"What happened to the other ear?" the doctor asked.

 

"They called back."

 

 

Did you hear about the Blonde who

 

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

 

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

 

After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

 

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?

On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

 

 

What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?

Frosted Flakes.

 

How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

[Mamie]

mrsc, that was the best blonde joke ever

[mrsc]

A wee 7 year old Aberdonian loon and his 5 year old brother are

> upstairs in their

> bedroom.

>

> "De ye ken fit?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's aboot time

we

> started

> sweering." The 5 year old nods his head in approval.

>

> "Fin we ging doonstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first,

then

> ye kin

> sweer after me, ok?"

>

> "Aye!" the 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

>

> The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what

he

> wants

> for breakfast.

> "A'll hae some of that Weetabix sh ! t !"

>

> *SMACK*!!

> He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got

> up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

>

> She looked at the 5 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And

what

> do

> YOU want for breakfast, young man????"

>

> "I dinna ken," he blubbers, "but it winna be f * cking

Weetabix!"

[ohoh4312]

 

 

 

 

 

[Mr lex]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in

tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and

obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

 

After 3 or 4 drinks, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to

say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:

"Do you want a b*** job?" he whispers.

 

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and

smacks the man in the face knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to

beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised,

in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

 

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.

 

"I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to

you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

[mrsc]

Ukaviator

Brilliant jokes needed a laugh thanks

 

Lexandergundogs

very funny thanks

I am sure that will have put a few smiles on faces.Everyone needs cheering up now and again.

[ukaviator]

If it makes ONE person laugh, it was worth it. Glad you liked them.

[gamequeen88]

i saw that joke in somewhere else............

 

i love it

[Mr lex]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

 

\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

 

"Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[ukaviator]

A friend of mine thought Sherlock Holmes was a builder.

[Guest louis wu]

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in

tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and

obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

 

After 3 or 4 drinks, the queer fella finally plucks up the courage to

say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:

"Do you want a b*** job?" he whispers.

 

At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and

smacks the man in the face knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to

beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised,

in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

 

Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.

 

"I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to

you?" "I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

 

 

 

I like that.....trouble is, it's based on fact:D

[oneofakind]

I think he built my new house.... using that bl**dy bendy pipe as a level if my kitchen units are anything to go by!!

 

:o

[Mr lex]

Mine was built by 'Bodgeit and Scarper'

[moneyhelp]

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

 

 

 

 

 

For throwing out the W's.

[Lula]

I had to think about that one, and I am not blonde, I swear

[moneyhelp]

:o

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ukaviator]

Man: "Doctor, I keep getting the urge to sing The Green Green Grass Of Home"

 

Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome"

 

Man: "Is it common ?"

 

Doc: "It's not unusual !"

[Mr lex]

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,

his axe fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,

"Why are you crying?"

 

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the

axe to make his living.

 

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this

your axe?" the Lord asked.

 

The woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?"

the Lord asked.

 

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

 

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?"

the Lord asked.

 

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to

keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

 

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the

riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord

again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

 

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

 

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this

your wife?" the Lord asked.

 

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

 

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

 

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with

CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my

wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am

a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I

said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

 

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and

honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.

 

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONOURABLE MEN!!!!!!"

[monopoly23]

lol yeah right!

[Lula]

pull the other one Lex, it has bells on

[moneyhelp]

to that!

[Mr lex]

How about this then !!!

 

What Women Should Know About Men

 

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming to high.

 

2. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 

3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.

 

4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probaly lies about other things too.

 

5. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

 

6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one - they try harder.

 

7. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

 

8. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (but not used together).

 

9. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

 

10. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.

 

11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.

 

12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a women.

 

13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them!

 

14. Men are like animals - messy, insensitive and potentially violent - but they make great pets!

 

15. Mens brains are like the prison system - too many men per cell.

 

16. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

[mrsc]

Brilliant