Fringe's funniest joke prize - Can you do better?? Add your joke to the list

[kennythecelt]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202

 

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be: (BTW not so funny nor PC)

 

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

 

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

 

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

 

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

 

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

 

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

 

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

 

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

 

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

 

 

 

Come on lets hear your funnies.

[sillygirl1]

Why do Elephants wear pink ballet shoes when they go dancing in the jungle? So they wouldn't get their white shoes dirty.

 

What is the difference between a banker and a pidgeon - a pidgeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari....

 

What is the difference between the Icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole? The volcano is still blowing ash....

[kennythecelt]

What do you get if you successfully crawl under a cow?

 

A pat on the head!

[MONX]

Whats brown and sticky?

 

A stick!

[locutus]

What's pink and hard? A pig with a baseball bat.

[SteveH2508]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

 

A stick

 

 

What is brown, steamy and comes out of cows backwards?

 

The Isle of Wight ferry.

 

 

What has got 400 balls and f*cks ducks?

 

A shotgun.

[locutus]

Emo Philips (number 3) told one of my favorite jokes a long time ago.

 

I prayed to god that I got a new bike for Christmas, but my mother told me "God doesn't work in that way!" So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness!

[locutus]

Geneticists have discovered that you are more likely to die of the same thing as your maternal grandfather over your own father. So, if anyone sees a German sniper, can you warn me please?

[SOD'EM]

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

 

 

My dog Minton keeps eating all my shuttlecock's.

Bad Minton!!!

 

Q. What's grey, sits at the end of the bed and takes the p**s?

A. A kidney dialysis machine.

 

Q. What goes woof woof boom?

A. A Terrierist.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting coat.

[lexis200]

I was reading these out to my OH and by the time I'd got to Bad Minton I actually couldn't speak any more:lol:

 

Two fish in a tank. One says 'do you know how to drive this thing?

 

Two parrots on a perch. One says 'can you smell fish?'

 

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

So I was running in a race when suddenly I was hit by a sausage roll, then a chicken leg, then a French stick. I think I was hampered.

[SOD'EM]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

 

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to have a drink drink. A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?" "Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies. "Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"

 

 

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

 

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

 

 

 

There was a policeman on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on

his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the policeman said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The policeman looked at the bike and while handing the boy a £20 ticket he said,

''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the policeman, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,

did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the policeman.

The little boy looked up at the policeman and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put

the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''

Edited September 16, 2010 by SOD'EM

[Castlebest]

Emo Philips

"I got into troubble for not opening the car door for a girl..... I reached over and she said get off you weirdo!!!

 

so I got out and swam for the surface......"

[determindator]

I grew up in a tough area. When I was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the Gateaux

[SOD'EM]

I went shopping with the wife the other day and I tried on a new coat.

I asked how I looked and she said I look great. She then said that it

makes me look thinner, so I said she should get one too.

 

 

I still don't know why she hasn't spoke to me for 3 days.

[determindator]

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.