Bank Jokes

[SPROUTY]

Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on.

 

He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.

[PGH7447]

[boavista1952]

My bank manager said to me the other day

 

"You don't seem very worried about your £30,000 un-authorised overdraft Mr Boa"

 

"There is no point in both of us worrying about it" I replied!

 

[SPROUTY]

What's the difference between a Lehman's banker and a pigeon?

 

 

A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Ferrari.

Edited October 14, 2008 by SPROUTY
took out the f word

[SPROUTY]

Need a Mortgage? Had enough of being turned away? Need a low interest rate?

 

Please Apply to :

 

Mr Gordon Brown

c/o HM Goverment

10 Downing Street

London

 

If your'e in the **it, these people can bail you out!!

[Iaintpayingyoudotcom]

[SOD'EM]

Two Dyslexic bank robbers run into a bank and shout

"Air in the hands, mother stickers,

This is a f**k up"

[sequenci]

A City trader has said the Credit Crunch is worse than a divorce.

 

 

He has lost half his net worth and STILL has a wife.

[Iaintpayingyoudotcom]

Early Budget news

 

5p on the cost of a bank withdrawl.

[gyzmo]

I see the banks have been asking for the Dear Leader to stimulate the country by doing something. Personally, I think the sacking of 20 greedy bank execs would make me rather jolly!

 

5 chavs heard on the radio the bad news about Iceland. They're now having to do all their shopping in Lidl

 

What's the difference between a bank manager and a KFC Big Bucket?

The latter can feed a family of 4

 

And (oh I'm on a roll) two not quite bank related but I like them....

 

George bush was asked what he thought about the credit crunch. He said "it's my favourite chocolate bar"

 

What's the capital of Iceland?

...

...

...

...

...

...

about 5 quid

[SPROUTY]

Due to the Credit Crunch our BANK has brought in some new rules :-

 

NEW BANK POLICY - EFFECTIVE OCTOBER1, 2008

 

Dress Code:

 

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

 

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

 

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

 

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

 

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

 

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

Lunch Breaks:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

 

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

 

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

Thank you for your loyalty to the Bank. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

[lexis200]

 

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

 

 

:lol:

[SPROUTY]

The bank returned a cheque to me this morning, stamped: 'insufficient funds.'

Is it them or me?

 

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.

A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

[lexis200]

 

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank.

A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

 

I actually physically groaned:D Well done!

[Lula]

I thought it was brilliant lol

[Lula]

It's just been announced that the Isle of Dogs Building Society is in

trouble. They've called in the retrievers.

 

 

[lexis200]

I'm wincing now - that made me and hubbie groan:D

 

Keep it up!

[Lula]

How can you tell an optimistic banker? Irons five shirts on a sunday

[Fred Bassett]

Q; what is the capital of Iceland??

 

A; About £4.50!!

[locutus]

Sex is like my bank account. I lose interest as soon as I withdraw.

[lexis200]

There must be a 'deposits' joke in that vein too:D:D

[locutus]

Like this?

Extreme Funny Humor - Funny Pictures - Sperm bank - night deposit

(Over 18's only!!!)

[PGH7447]

Try this link, I particularly like the Bankers in Need advert

 

The best credit crunch jokes to have you laughing all the way to the bank | Mail Online