Wife Left Me With 5 Kids

[caro]

Just noticed this ozzy. I'm so sorry to hear about this, but it sounds like you're doing a grand job with the kids.

 

Many years ago my BIL had an affair and left my sister after knowing the other woman for a very short time. He quickly realised his mistake although it took him about 3 months to pluck up courage to ask my sister to have him back. They had no children at the time so not really the same though. They've been married 40 years now and I honestly think he's never done it again. Perhaps your wife will have second thoughts, although obviously you'd need to do a lot of talking and heart searching if she changes her mind.

 

As for sleep - turn off the computer, have a drink of something like hot milk or horlicks if you have it, and then get your head down.

 

School tomorrow so you need to be up early.

 

Take care mate, {{{hugs}}}

[PriorityOne]

whats the best way to sleep at night

 

Difficult question... you have so much going round in your mind that it's hard to switch off. A hot drink may help (as Caro suggests) and a bath just before bed as well.

 

[ozzywizard]

Thanks guys, im getting there, I really am for the kids sake. I have set them all a routine and they know what is happening and when, it is the hardest thing I have ever challenged myself to do but if I dont do it then they will go in care as their mother does not care.

 

Its been 9 days now and mum although has seen them a few times at the house has not once asked how they are doing or even offered a contact phone number in case of emergency, I know she is shacked up with thi guy which to me is wrong when she has 5 kids there that miss and need her .

 

Anyways got the kids all nerw uniforms and clothes and sorted all their rooms out etc, it still bothers me that she can collect them at anytime and she has allready said that when she gets an huse she wants them back.

 

how can she ask for them back after leaving them so long, crazy if you ask me. . .

[caro]

You're doing the right thing giving them routine which will hopefully give them a sense of stability.

 

It sounds like you should perhaps putting things on a more formal footing to make sure that the children's best interests are the main priority.

 

Divorce, relationship breakdown and family courts : Directgov - Parents

 

It could be worth contacting Gingerbread too.

 

For lone parents

[buzby]

It does sound like a clear case of abandonment. Although I dislike involving the SS, in order to protect you rights (and the kids) you may have to. This can often mean if you are threatened with the kids being removed, you;ve got an inside track with a case worker who may be able to intervene.

[The GodMother]

Ozzy.

 

I do understand to a certain extent what you are going threw. My ex and l moved 100s of miles away from anybody because HE wanted to and in the end he was seeing someone else. We had not even been married a year but it was my fault according to him.

 

I can safely say that the divorcee will not bee easy as it my well drag up lots of good and bad feelings.

 

One piece of advise l can offer you is to make sure you have a seperate bank account for all benefits to go into as you dont want her having acess to your children and your money.

[ozzywizard]

Hey, quick update to you all . . my situation has not changed but the kids and me are doing fantastic. In a good routine and kids really enjoying life, it is hard being a single parent to 5 kids after their mother left them but its also really rewarding and knowing the kids are way better off now than they ever have been .

[caro]

I'm so pleased to hear this ozzy. Can't believe how long it is since this happened but I'm glad you and the kids are doing well. x

[PriorityOne]

Hey, quick update to you all . . my situation has not changed but the kids and me are doing fantastic. In a good routine and kids really enjoying life, it is hard being a single parent to 5 kids after their mother left them but its also really rewarding and knowing the kids are way better off now than they ever have been .

 

That's so lovely to read... you're doing a great job Ozzy. It is hard, yes.... but your kids will not forget.

 

[maroondevo52]

Good to hear things are going well Ozzy, glad the kids are happier than they had been

[GuidoT]

That is good to hear.

[The GodMother]

glad to hear this. hope u had a good Christmas.

[Justbeenlifted]

I wrote this last night but never posted just about to do the school run so here it is

 

*what I have just read has lifted me so much my wife walked out on me and our 4 children 2weeks ago came bk the weekend but away again this week and has moved into b&b and has a support worker *we have been married 13 years together 18 but my story is different she hasnt met anyone else although she did on Facebook (in jan) n he was phoning my house a few times while I was working but that is no more and i dont care* she has servere mental health problems i have always known that only now she is facing it herself*we have often fell out over the years (she hates me wants a divorce anything could set it off) but have always got back together and happy in love this time round (29/12)came as a total shock as i thought ok few weeks she will calm down I love her to bits and want her home so much but she just couldn't cope and left I am at home with the kids it's now 2.44 am and I am still awake and so confused and concerned about our childrens future we have a mortgage so after googling and coming across this I feel so positive I have already gone part time at work doing only school hours and no weekends so big loss in pay my boss has been great and supportive Easter holidays soon so I won't get paid for them but should make enough this month to cover the essentials I have a solicitor phoning tmrow so I should know a bit more about where I stand *I have informed both schools because as you know it's hard for them too and confusing for them and often seeing there dad in tears when he's washing up or doing the uniforms for the next day so many memories every where I look sometimes i cant help myself but the thought of them keeps me strong *I am letting her see the children when she wants only a sunday for a few hours this week but its her choice and i will support it i let the children phone her every night but i deal with the afterwards and questions hugs always help

*how are things for you now as i am so scared of changing things now for the good of the children only to try and have it ripped away in months to come if she ever gets any better I hope she does and things get back to how they are anyway dude its late now n i gonna go to bed it a school night n my mates are saying i look a bit pale need to keep my health good for the kids*

[caro]

Hi justbeenlifted and welcome to CAG

 

I'm really glad you found ozzy's thread and decided to post yourself. Things must be very tough for you, but it sounds like you're doing a grand job with your kids putting them first. They'll need the stabilit;y of knowing that you're there for them.

 

Are you getting all the benefits that you're entitled to. If you anticipate that your income is going to be reduced, and if you haven't done so already, check if you can get more working tax credits.

 

Mental health is very difficult to live with. I hope your wife can sort herself out, but you're right to make sure your children's future is secure first.

 

If you're struggling with debts, start your own thread or threads, and we'll see if we can get help and advice for you.

[Justbeenlifted]

Thx for the reply just sat down for lunch with my 2 older boys there off school just now won't be going bk til after the Easter holidays younger 2 at school keeping the routine as good and regular as I can for them as for tax credits yes I phoned this morning and that has been sorted I even have c.a.b. To help and filled out the paperwork and just waiting for an appointment

I so hope she can sort herself out I am so worried about her writing helps as I have been writing emails to her everyday with my thoughts and feelings and the kids but have only sent one the others I will show her when she asks as she is very fragile just now and coping with her own demons I don't want to trigger anything off with my thoughts

[caro]

Not sure if your wife's health issues are new or not, so in case you aren't too familiar with the issues, maybe this link to MIND will give you some ideas.http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/mental_illness?gclid=CKGZzcK2jK8CFREPfAodjCWX_w

[Justbeenlifted]

Thankyou I have always thought there was along with our friends and family as they have also seen the changes but the last few years she has lost family that were close to her and she has rapidly got worse last weekend when she was home she told me after seeing a support worker for a couple of hoursv(not a doctor ) that they thought she was bi polar so later that night i ran her a bath and went and did some research I read alot of posts from bi polar sufferers and people living with bi polar partners / spouses I thought yeah maybe she has as I have seen the changes felt the hurt/heartache/anger come and go anything could set it off but then always come round and felt the love and warmth

I then told her this and said maybe you should read some too and I will support and love in anyway which triggered sonething ascshe replied with "what are you some kind of doctor now what would you know you don't love me it's habit " my reply was no just someone who has spent 18years with you not a couple of hours

 

I wish I had known this many years ago as I am sure I wouldn't be posting this today

[caro]

My cousin also has mental health issues which has resulted in her alienating all the family. We didn't see her for many years as she lived abroad, but when she came back when her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer, the change was obvious and we found out that her mother knew about it but covered it up for a long time.

 

When her own mother died she only seemed to trust my mother, but my mother was severely disabled and couldn't cope with her visits, and asked us not to tell my cousin where she was when she eventually had to go into a nursing home. We didn't even tell her when my mum died as my sister couldn't deal with her being at the funeral.

 

Afterwards we went to tell her mum had died and she was quite aggressive towards my sister when we tried to tell her we felt she needed help, and she would not accept there was anything wrong. I feel terrible that she is now isolated, but there is nothing that I can do to get her help. It has to come from her.

 

As long as she knows that you are there for her if she needs you, I don't think that you can do more. It's a horrible situation for you to have to deal with. It was easy for us to see a difference in my cousin because we didn't see her for a few years, but when you see someone every day it's less obvious and creeps up without being so obvious. There's no point beating yourself about what you did or didn't do in the past. What happens going forward is what matters now.

[Justbeenlifted]

It's hard to stop blaming myself for episodes in the past but I have told her I will always be here I can't help loving her been nearly 3 months now since I triggered it by saying something wrong but I still cry for her even doing this I get emotional I sleep with her pillow sounds sad but I'm 42 and miss being a couple

She has also alienated my family and many of hers even to the extent of banning my mum (kids granny) from seeing them for over two years Facebook keeps them connected

but it's not the same as visits I feel guilty if I text my mum or my brother or sister as it often causes issues she thinks

they all hate her but they don't

Early last year her brother visited we had a party few friends over but they argued and he left on bad terms and they never spoke I tried to get her to text him over the next few months but she wouldn't kept telling me to butt out but then unfortunately in October he died suddenly unexpected and still as I am aware cause of death unknown this event destroyed her and she has rarely come back to herself since then I lost my brother to cancer 3 years ago so I understand but I got to say goodbye to him with my family around him as he passed away she hates me for that as I got the chance to say goodbye

After doing more research I see it maybe hereditry and my 10 year old son has had some outbursts alot recently even involving him running out of school and thinking more about this and his behaviour at times over the years I can see some of her in him it's gonna a tough few months ahead I can see thx for the support it's helping me more than you know

[caro]

All kids have outbursts, and yours have been through a lot. They must feel it. As well as their Mum leaving them, they've lost 2 uncles and don't get to see their gran. It could be that he's testing you to see if you're going to abandon him too (as he may see it). I remember when mine were young I'd try and give them some leeway, and they'd start to take advantage of it. I'd be trying to be kind to them, but then a time would come I'd have to draw the line, and I was often surprised that they seemed happier for it. Kids need boundaries to make them feel secure. It shows you care.

 

One of the best pieces of advice I had from a health visitor was as far as possible to ignore bad behaviour, but look our for the good things - no matter how small and really praise them. If positive behaviour gets attention then he won't need to misbehave. That's the theory anyway!! Admittedly this was when my children were much younger, and I had my doubts, but it really worked.

 

Don't worry too much about your son, and don't be too keen to pin a label on him. Just give him time to adjust to things, and let him know that you're going nowhere.

 

I feel like flippin' Marjorie Proops here! lol. I'm glad if I can help a little though.

 

For what it's worth I think you're a brilliant dad, and doing a fantastic job in very difficult circumstances.

[Justbeenlifted]

Had a couple of mates over earlier was good to talk as we have all known each other longer than being in this relationship not bitching about anything but just being straight up with me mates as it's difficult position for them to but was good to get alot of things off our chests

And thanks again Caro aka. Marjorie Proops i dont know how i would coped without this Been good to talk to soneone who dosent know us

I have spoken with my youngest (day off school tomorrow

so I let him xbox a bit later) told him I not going anywhere

he is confused so am I

Late again gonna write some more to my wife n then better get some sleepc

[ozzywizard]

Just been lifted, dont know if this is coinsodence or divine intervention but ive not been on this site for months. . i was in court on the 29th March (same day as your first post) and I now have full custody of all my 5 kids, its been a hard road but 100% worth it.

I only came on here to let the good ppl on here know the outcome and I find this thread has been posted on by you. .

If you need any help or support Im here to talk to you. . Ive been on my own with 5 kids ofr nearly 2 years and know all the ins and outs, they attend 4 differant schools and have a really happy life with me and now have a good contact deal with their mother.

 

You need (as im sure you are doing) to put your kids first and prioritise their welfare, go to the respective schools and introduce yourself as the current main carer and explain your situation they will offer support etc. will post more later when more time.

[Justbeenlifted]

Wow well done I'm so chuffed for you. I'm sitting with a coffee n 5 year old daughter falling asleep on my lap she's been so clingy the last few days mums coming here tmrow to see the kids or so my eldest boy told me don't know when not heard from her today my youngest Son won't talk to her when we phone the same as my wife with me so last she told me was Sunday

 

Had couple of mates over last few nights which has been good for me and to talk openly as they have known me longer than my relationship was hard for them at times to see me getting upset even saying how calm the house was have another old friend comin up on tues to stay for a few days it's the thought of losing them I live in Scotland the laws are different got a solicitors meeting next week to find out where I stand it's so hard as I love her to bits and want her back so much.

 

I've spoken to my mum and my family more in the last

 

few days than in 2 years as i dont feel guilty because she is not here sounds crazy but it's true gonna make another coffee as I'm getting a bit sad yeah ozzy would be good to chat whenever

Edited March 31, 2012 by Justbeenlifted

[caro]

I'm really chuffed for you ozzy and thanks for letting us know. When justbeenlifted posted I wondered how things were going for you now.

 

CAG is all about sharing experiences and supporting each other, but this is the first thread I've seen for single fathers!

[Justbeenlifted]

Well Sunday morning still not heard anything not even a phone call or message last night so sitting here waiting/hoping is hard Hate mornings just now as head thinks so much it upsets me had a shower n shave so I'm looking good for her

car tax went out end of march so can't really go far don't know when I can pay that hopefully soon as 2 weeks holidays now and need to keep kids busy

Will write more later

Edited April 1, 2012 by Justbeenlifted