Jokes!

[georgie21]

I thought we could share a little humour to brighten up the afternoon!

 

I went to a casino last night and was stood next to a guy playing Blackjack who kept having win after win after win.

I couldn't believe his luck, then saw he was stood on what looked like a bit of bread.

I asked him, "Mate, what's that under your shoe?"

He said. "Shhh! I'm on a roll."

 

http:// http://www.postalgold.info/

Edited March 17, 2010 by georgie21

[Guest wino]

Groan:p

[Guest wino]

A Fasinating statistic for you..................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 out of 7 dwarfs..................................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are not Happy:D

[ukaviator]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

 

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry', says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any!' 'But I always buy it here,' says the blonde 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 'YES', said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

 

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant' Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

[Signaller]

Two blokes talking in a pub.First one seems very depressed.Second one says 'Whats up mate'?.'Its my missus' says first one. 'She's out sha**ing every bloke in her sights.It's doing my head in.Been going on for years now.I've had enough and want her dead'. 'F**k me' says second bloke,'Thats a bit extreme isn't it'.But if you really DO want it done, the best and quickest way is to shoot her about two inches below the left nipple'. 'Sod that' says the first bloke, 'I want her dead, not effing kneecapping'.

[hilaryfrances]

never buy a stupid dwarf

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its not big and its not clever

[SOD'EM]

Thought I would take up cage fighting as an exercise after seeing Alex Reid winning Celebrity Big Brother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That budgie never had a clue what was coming:p.

[hilaryfrances]

lol

[SOD'EM]

Q: Why are parking spaces like girls at parties?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: If you get there late, all the best ones are taken so you end up sticking it in the disabled one.:-|

[SOD'EM]

Got my windscreen broken by 3 hoodies this morning.

 

 

Still, I suppose I could have swerved:D

[SOD'EM]

Dear Deidre,

 

I'm about 5 years into my relationship now and have started having erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas about how to treat the problem. She bought me some Viagra, and I've bought the fat cow a treadmill.

[SOD'EM]

With all the ice and snow on the pavements, the council are trying to keep the kids from walking in the middle of the road. They have bought a new machine which they hope will frighten the kids.

 

 

 

They are calling it The Gary Gritter:p

[SOD'EM]

Who started this thread?

[SOD'EM]

A woman meets a bloke in a bar and goes back to his place. During the course of the evening whilst passing his bedroom she notices three neat rows of Teddy Bears sat on wall shelves. On the bottom shelf are small bears, middle shelf bigger bears and large bears on the top shelf. The girl thinks that the bloke must be a sensitive kind hearted kind of bloke, and thinks he could be the one. One thing leads to another and they end up in bed making mad passionate love.

 

The next morning the woman asks how was I?

Bloke replies "Not bad, help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf".

[SOD'EM]

Paddy speaks frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries

"NO!" Paddy replies.

"This is her husband".

[SOD'EM]

One day, a long time ago in a land far far away, there lived a woman who did not nag, whine or bi**h.

But it was just one day and a bloody long long time ago.

[**Tilly**]

lmao you bored or what :D

[SOD'EM]

A dwarf couple who work in a circus are expecting a baby and go to the doctors for a routine check up.

 

The doctor says "Everything is fine. Tell me, do you want a boy or a girl?"

 

The dwarf guy says "We don't really care, as long as it fits in a cannon".

[jowalshy]

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally

cut off all 10 of his fingers.

 

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

 

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

 

Paddy said,

'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

 

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009!

We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new!

Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

 

And Paddy said,

' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[SOD'EM]

What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Black collar, white coat, and God help your ar$e if you get a dodgy one.

[**Tilly**]

Paddy is in the airport with a sack over each shoulder

When all of a sudden he gets stopped by customs

and they search the two sacks,they find loads of

mobile phones in them,customs officer asks paddy

why does he have all these phones?Paddy replies

"well whyll i was on me travels in america i got a

phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told

me that he is starting up a jazz band and could i

bring him back two Saxophones"

[georgie21]

Who doesn't like a good jokes forum? I know I do

 

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket!

 

What's black and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket's shadow!

 

Two antennas get married. The ceremony was awful, but the reception was excellent.

 

Classic! like 22ct gold.

Edited March 15, 2010 by georgie21

[ukaviator]

A fella goes home from work, and goes upstairs to find his wife in the bath with nothing on . . . . . . No water in the bath and her toe stuck up the tap.

 

"Bloody hell love what have you been doing?" He says.

 

"Ooh George, I was just messing about an I, ... I got my toe stuck".

 

"Well look", He says, "I'll call a plumber and put my Bowler Hat over your most private part"!!

 

The plumber arrives and takes one look and says, "Pheowee Sweetheart, I can get your toe out of the tap, but I can do nothing for Acker Bilk"!!

 

[SOD'EM]

Chris Tarrant....... "What was Ghandi's first name?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Paddy........ "Goosey Goosey.":D

[Woozel]

A chav walks into the Jobcentre and says to the guy at the counter, "I really want to find a job to turn my life around."

 

The advisor is surprised, but says, "Well, it just so happens that I have had an employer to see me with a vacancy.

 

The job is to be chauffer/bodyguard to a multi-millionaire's nymphomaniac twin daughters. You are required to escort them on nights out and overseas trips. The starting salary for this position is £250,000."

 

The chav says, "Stop Sh***ing me!"

 

The advisor says, "You started it!"