does my 4 yr old have ADHD

[Bookworm]

i struggle with meal times as he is a very fussy eater aswell. He will just blantently refuse to eat anything if you give him something he dont like the look of. ive tried just giving him only 3 meals a day and if he dont eat it then he goes without, beacuse thats what the health visitor said, she said he'll then try something just beacuse hes hungry. that never worked either. i just dont knwo what to do, cos i cant keep giving him the same foods all the time. ive started buying them birds eye chicken pieces that have got peas and sweetcorn hidden in them, which is great cos he just thinks they're nuggets and dont knwo about the veg in them. but he wont even eat things like spag bolognese and lasange, andything thats gooey. he will only eat things like, nuggets, chips, potatoes, sausages, and things like that. oh and he loves his fruit. but no veg.

Your health visitor needs a good smack behind the head for coming up with that kind of rubbish.

 

Save yourself and him the heartache, the stress and the conflicts: let him tell you what he wants to eat. Yes, it's a pain to have to cook different meals for different people, but ultimately, compared to the battle of trying to force-feed him food he blatantly doesn't want or let him starve, thereby reinforcing the negative attitude towards food, you may well find that it is easier to let him tell you his needs.

 

Yes, it would be lovely if he was eating everything given to him without a fuss, but he obviously won't, so instead of torturing him by starvation or force feeding him stuff that make him so unhappy, accept that his difference means that you will no more be able force him to swallow stuff he won't touch than you can get him to stop his fidgeting.

 

In the grand scheme of things, what he eats or doesn't it is not that important. You have enough battles ahead, why make your life and his more difficult where unnecessary? Do you really believe that starve or force-feed are healthier options than letting him eat what he does like? Just be glad he likes fruit at least.

 

My little one has an extremely restricted diet too, he's now 11 and we have slowly expended the range from about 3 foodstuff to about, I don't know, 10 to 15? He doesn't touch veg or fruit, with the exception of the very occasional banana. But you know what? With all the stuff he has to deal with in his life, I am glad to say that battles at mealtime are one thing we don't have. The result is that policy is that instead of saying no to everything new, he will sometimes try something and even sometimes that will result in something new added to his diet permanently... In the meantime, I still have to make pasta bake for 2 weeks in a row, followed by sausage rolls for 2 weeks, then tomato soup and bread... That's just the way it is. He's less stressed because of it and I am less stressed because he is less stressed, and I think that's more important than whether he's getting enough fibre or vitamin C.

[emmaf01]

Bookworm, you took the words right out of my mouth- can we all smack that health visitor? Life is so much better since we stopped the meal time panics/hysterics (and that was just me not my son).

 

We tried the "only give him three healthy meals" garbage- and he didn't eat for nearly two weeks. And I thought "well this idea is not working" because he was tired, lacklustre and miserable- as were the rest of us.

 

My boy has never eaten what most people would see as a "proper" meal. But he gets in enough calories, has protein, carbohydrate and fat and we sneek in vitamins an minerals with fruit smoothies and fortified milk and cereal. He is a normal healthy weight and is rarely ill with colds and bugs.

 

Now he is doing well at tasting new food- we do a "normal" meal and he licks bits to taste them. It looks odd, but its expanding his taste buds. We thinks its progress (we think a lot of odd things in our house, but we're happy.)

 

Children need to take in calories to grow- tell your health visitor to speak to a specialist regarding child eating problems, not just shrink what little knowledge she has to fit a complex scenario.

[tiglet]

Absolutely you two - I've stopped caring if my boy can't use a knife and fork (he's nine) and just cut up the bits he wants us to now.

 

I don't make him anything with the textures he hates in (mushroom, courgettes, salmon - anything which he says is "slimy") and if I cook something like spag bol for the rest of us, I do something different form him or put the sauce and pasta on two separate plates, which sometimes works.

 

At the end of the day, your child's happiness is much more important than "rules" about what/how they should eat. You'll both feel better when you're more relaxed about it. As long as he will eat, and gets his fruit, what's the problem?

[emmaf01]

If you stop focussing on what people say you "should" do, and just try working around what they will eat. Then see if you can fit some nutritional value into what they will eat. Blow the rest.

 

And your son will eat chicken nuggets- that is great. Protien, trace minerals, some carbohydrate in the coating. Its a winner.

[Guest sharonsmith]

i started making my own ones with real chikcen breasts and batter, but then he went off them. but im gonna start making them myself again i think. at least i know whats in them ones, and not all the crap that you see when jamie oliver shows you them all blended up!!! lol

 

thing is now, ive gone back to work full time and now my partner is a stay at home dad. he is very strict and believes that they should be forced to sit down and eat what is given to them. so now ive got to try and persuade him to sort it out. it causes alot of rows between us cos he says that i dont back him up and i let them get away with things. but sometimes i think hes too harsh on them and i dont really agree with it. cos they can behave alot better soemtimes when you ask them properly

[Bookworm]

I remember when I used to be a strict mum.

 

 

It nearly ended with me throwing myself and child over a bridge.

 

 

Then I realised that since HE couldn't change the way he was, *I* had to change the way I was bringing him up. It didn't go down too well with the siblings who thought - still do - that I was "letting him get away with everything", but I wasn't: I was adapting our lifestyle to his disability.

 

If your child didn't have arms, would your husband still insist he uses a knife and fork? Sounds absurd, doesn't it? Forcing a child with sensory issues (which is what it is) to eat what he doesn't/can't eat is just as nonsensical.

 

You don't back your husband up on this? Well, good for you. I'm happy to see that at least one person in the household is putting their child's needs ahead of social convention.

 

As long as your husband thinks he can sort out your child's issues by forcing him that way, things won't get better, I guarantee you. You can no more force a child with sensory problems to eat what he has issues with than you can make a child blind from birth describe a rainbow.

[emmaf01]

I have had a lot of useless talk and pressure from my wider family- "you need to get him out of nappies", "just give him proper food, he'll eat when he's hungry", the usual rubbish.

 

Either your husband will come round to the right way of thinking or he'll be found in a twitching heap when his "strict dad" technique gets him no where. Has he accepted your boy has difficulties, or is he trying to tell himself there is nothing wrong? Sometimes this can be the problem, but as soon as her learns that getting a child fed so he can grow is more important than how or what he eats.

 

When I met the assessor (or inclusion consultant- she had a laugh about that) for my son's SEN funding, she said that they didn't want to change my son, he was fine as he was. They needed to find out how the school needed to change to fit in with him. And early results (day 3) look good.

 

It's like that with everything else- we have to find a way to fit in with my boy and give him what he needs. Though if someone can tell me why he keeps pulling his curtain rail out of the wall? I'd get blinds again, though he pulled them down before the curtains.

[Bookworm]

Or to put it in an even simpler way: Convention says socks should be identical colour. My son says: "they'll keep me warn even if they're different colours."

 

And he's absolutely right. ;-)

[SharpmanTF1]

reference alternative drinks.

 

Our son was forever getting ear infections/chest infections etc several times a year. he used to drink a lot of juice from all the reputable companys.

 

read up on the additives and sweeteners that are in some of these so called fruit juces.

 

There aren't many out there that don't have them in. I found a couple that don't. Vimto original, some of the 50% Fruit High Juice (not all flavours are sweetener free.)

 

They're a couple that my son now only drinks - since then his problems have virtualy dissapeared.

 

All these kids drinks like fruit shoot are riddled with the stuff.

 

You need to look for any think that doesn't have 'contains Phenylalanine' on the lable. this is an indicator that it has artificial sweeteners in it.

 

hope this helps

 

Sharpman

[honey5]

Or to put it in an even simpler way: Convention says socks should be identical colour. My son says: "they'll keep me warn even if they're different colours."

 

And he's absolutely right. ;-)

 

mine once went with 6 clean socks on one foot and 1 dirty sock on the other, i have no idea to this day how he got his shoe on that foot with the 6 socks on, but THAT foot was cold apparently

 

so....... so be it

 

honey x

[Guest sharonsmith]

i spoke to my husband the weekend abotu giving my son what he wants and not trying to force him to eat things. It caused the biggest row ever and he lost his temper. He still says that im just letting him get away with things. so now my biggest battle is my other half.

 

but my son just seems to have a phobia about foods such as soups, stews, lasagne, pasta, bolognese and anything thats not a whole food like chips which he can pick up. My partner reckons its only cos thats what he was given as a baby. but he has always been a fussy eater from a baby.

 

he was such a hungry baby that he was being fed eery single hour and a half all day and all night. he ended up going onto hungrier baby milk as 1 week old and having 9oz bottles of it. cos this then didnt do anythng at night and i was getting so tired, he started eating baby rice off a spoon at 4 weeks old and a whole 9oz bottle of milk just so he would sleep. When he moved onto solids, all he would eat was fruit. he wouldnt eat any dinners or anythign savoury. Then he eventually started eating fingers foods at 5/6 months old. hes always eaten finger foods, and we still have a struggle to get him to use cutlery all the time. he tends to pick things up to put them on his fork!! lol So hes always been fussy, but its now cauasing arguments between me and my partner cos we dotn have the same parenting ideas!!

[emmaf01]

That must be the hardest thing about parenting, getting both of you on the same page! I know it sounds awful but there has been the odd occasion when I have thought being a single parent would at least be easier in this respect.

 

Has your husband always been the main care giver- the one at home all the time? From what you have said previously, that has mainly been your job and as he has recently started taking over this massive job, I really think he should bow to your greater experience, but he probably wouldn't think that.

 

Can you imagine starting a new job and within a couple of weeks, telling someone who has been doing the job for years that they are doing a bad job and they can do it SO much better...

 

Your best idea is to get help. I can really recommend one thing for you. It's a book called "Toddler Taming" by Dr Christopher Green. It helped get us through some really tough times, regarding eating, behaviour etc. My OH and I each have our own copy! (so if you need me to post you one just shout, we have a spare). This book has been recommended by all of our child health professionals, is about feeling better about being a parent and is a major "don't fuss about small issues" book. It saved our sanity repeatedly, even getting our son's sleeping back to normal.

 

Maybe it could be a good handbook for your OH in his new job!

[tiglet]

I too have that book - and can also recommend it.

[Bookworm]

Seems to me like hubby is in denial about your son's issues: If we pretend it's not there and blame Mum instead, it will go away?

 

Boy, is he in for a rude awakening sooner or later. Shame he has to torture your son for a long time before the penny drops that he won't change him and decides: a) to adapt himself, b) to bugger off and decide that you're to blame for it all.

 

Sorry if that sounds cynical, but I'm afraid to say that this is experience from people around me talking. (I'm the incredibly lucky one whose husband has followed my lead all the way, completely trusting my judgment based on instinct and reading, and I am very grateful for that, even if it sometimes felt a case of the one-eyed leading the blind! )

 

About your young chap, are you sure it's the food and not the eating utensils which are the issue? If he has poor coordination and/or poor spatial awareness, it could be that he's simply not confident enough to use them and chooses the simpler option not to use them... (My son was like that with books, so afraid of failure that he wouldn't even try to read. At one point, we thought he might be dyslexic, but it was all about self-confidence and anxiety in the end. )

[Guest sharonsmith]

i was always the main carer, especially while my OH was out downt he pub or round someones house all the time and didnt come in til god knows what time. We did split up for about 3 months last summer, which was brilliant. i was the happiest ive been in a long time and things were so much easier with the kids. We got on brilliantly. But now i started full time work beginning of august and he now stays at home with them. But he was brought up with strict parents and believes thats how you do it. Where as my mum let me get away with things and helped me lie to my dad so i had all the respect in the world for my mum (and still do) but not for my dad. I hated him becasue he was strict too!!

 

I think he may be in denile, or may just not care. cos im the one trying to read up on it all the time and find things out, and he wont bother doing anything. he have to tell him things, but then he probably wont listen.

 

Im not sure if my son does have co-ordination problems or not...he is very clumsy i admit that. but im nto really sure. He has only just turned 5 last week, but is a wizz on computers or anything involving technology. He knows how to work everything. He goes and turns on my laptop and does what he wants to do on it, like piant or internet and i dont do anything to help him. he even puts the website cbeebies on all by himself. and prints out pictures and plays all the games. He is extrememly intellegent, i started teaching him to read last year, he knows sign language, he can count backwards, he can do addition and subtraction sums with numbers up to 10. and he only started school last week. So hes quite a bright little boy. So thats why im not sure about all this, as i cant see that he has a disability. But he is ery loud, does not sit still for more than 2 minutes, cant walk anywhere without running or jumping. His brain just seems to be going at hundre miles an hour and he has to be doing something all the time just to keep up. But when he goes off on one, you can see it in his eyes. They kind of go all sparkly and its as if you're not even there, he just looks straight through you and carries on like a whirlwind doing what he wants and you cant stop him!!

 

So with my other half shouting at him all the time, telling him off, he just dont seem to get anywhere with him. he just thinks he's right all the time, and hes only been doing this job for 4 weeks, ive been doing it for 5 years, but really doing it for 11 years cos i looked after my kid sisters from the day they were born and was liek a 2nd mum to them!!

[tiglet]

Well, that's men for you.

 

I really think you need to insist on a paedeotrician to see your son - it could be ADHD, ASD or a myriad of other things - but I would get them ruled out right now and save yourself heartache later.

[emmaf01]

Your son sounds lovely! Incredibly intelligent. Though he does seem to have some of the signs of perhaps ADHD- the thing about these disorders is they have nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with behaviour.

 

I really don't think shouting at him all the time will help at all- perhaps will make him worse because he will start to feel bad about himself. Your OH doesn't really sound very supportive or helpful. I don't mean to be rude but why did you get back together if you and your kids were happier alone?

 

Looks like you are the only one who can try to access some help for your son- have you heard anything back from the children's centre/health visitor?

[mnyspider]

hi, i should be able to help you here, just some questions first if you dont mind so i can get a clearer picture of his personality, behaviour traits, i used to work with kids with special needs and behaviour problems so would love to help, i am also a mum of 6 and understand how difficult this is for you, how are your sons social skills, is he happy to interact and share toys with others? does he understand the difference between right and wrong or does this concept seem to confuse him? is he happier alone or with other children? what are his worst phobias or behaviours, what have you noticed about his behaviour that makes you feel concerned, and does he have extremes of behaviour i.e extremely loving or aggressive, and finally has he ever had a head injury or allergies to anything sorry if this all is bit of a headache but this is all important so as to have an insight to how your son is progressing and helping you with some answers:D

[Bookworm]

A disability is not necessarily linked to intelligence or intellectual achievement, look at Steven Hawkins!!!

 

Some people on the autistic spectrum are lecturers, scientists, artists, so stop thinking that because he is bright all is well in his world... One of the characteristics of Asperger's for example, is that the children are of either average or above intelligence, so don't let that distract you from what seem to be very real issues with your child.

 

I agree with Tiglet, go to your GP and get your child referred ASAP. The sooner you find out what is the matter, the sooner you can start adapting.

 

All the best.

[Guest sharonsmith]

how are your sons social skills, is he happy to interact and share toys with others? does he understand the difference between right and wrong or does this concept seem to confuse him? is he happier alone or with other children? what are his worst phobias or behaviours, what have you noticed about his behaviour that makes you feel concerned, and does he have extremes of behaviour i.e extremely loving or aggressive, and finally has he ever had a head injury or allergies to anything

 

It depends what mood he is in. SOmetimes he can play and share with others, other times he likes playing on his own. When he was younger, he never played with any other children. At all the M&T groups he just played on his own away from others. As hes got older, he has made friends. But all the children at nursery seems to love him, every single one of them all talk about him and want to be his friend, cos he is very hyper and excitable and they think he is funny and great to be around because he dont keep still, so it makes them all excitable too and want to join what hes doing. A lot of the time though, he doesnt like sharing and wants everything for himself.

 

He does seems to know right from wrong but cant seem to help himself and do the wrong things. When you ask him why he is being told off, he knows straight away what he has done, and will say sorry, but then go straight back and do it again without hesitating.

 

He seems to have a phobia with foods that he can not just pick up with his fingers and eat wholey. He will not attempt to eat anything all gooey and mashed up, only mash potato!!

 

I had a concern because 2 of his uncles have ADHD and the fact that he just cant sit still and stop fidgeting. He can be very loud at times and blurts out stupid noises for no reason. Sometimes when he is going off on one, he has a little sparle in his eyes and no matter what you say to him, it just does not register. i just dont know where he gets his energy from, because we havent got it.

 

I took him to a karate session once to see if thatd be any good for him. He was amongst other boys his own age. You could see the ones who were just being naughty, and the ones doing as they were meant to. and he just seemed to stand out. He couldnt stop jumping, fidgeting, and stand still when told. he had to be silly and show off. but it wasnt the same behaviour as all the other boys there, it was completely different.

 

I also have a little girl whos 3. and she is naughty, and cheeky with it. my little boy isnt necessarily naughty, its just the energy that he has, and when he does do things wrong, its as if it is someone else controlling him. he will say sorry and seem like he means it, but then goes and does it again straight away as if someone is controlling him with a remote or something.

[Guest sharonsmith]

I don't mean to be rude but why did you get back together if you and your kids were happier alone?quote]

 

I ended up meeting someone else who was lovely. But when it came down to it, i wanted to get back with my other half. I dont really know why. I just did. When i got him i dont want him, but when we split up, i done everything i could just to keep contact and make excuses so that i could see him.

 

I just cant see myself with anyone else, and having another man bring up his kids. I just could never see anyone else wanting to be with me and my kids, especially with my little boys behaviour.

[emmaf01]

Sometimes that is the way things are- I was a bit like that with my ex- but he was not the person I thought he was in the end.

 

Its always easier to talk from a distance about these things, isn't it?

 

Anyway, I just hope things get better for you, and you and your little ones get the help you need. Any word about GPs, health visitors or the Childrens's Centre?

[mnyspider]

hi, from what you say he is just hyper which will eventually calm down, there is nothing in his behaviour that says he has serious problems, just see it as he has bounced into this world and is happy to be here,at such a tender age he still has a lot of growing to do and he is still learning:) i know at times he is probably exhausting but as every mum on here will tell you its no easy job but well worth it, we have all at times sat and cried over our kids for one reason or another be it worry or pride but the main thing is do what you feel is right, you are his mum, doctors, health visitors will be able to give you advice but at the end of the day you know him best, watch and see if certain foods seem to make him more hyper, or if its certain situations sometimes excessive energy can be nervous energy, is there a pattern to his behaviour around certain people, also think about the way you dicipline and praise him and how he reacts to it, but most importantly you as well as your son are learning, dont be to hard on yourself when it doesnt go to plan, you care and love him, for him thats all he needs:D

[zaffie]

Hi

some very good advice from others for you. I have a son with special needs. Originally diagnosed with ADHD then Tourettes and now Asperger syndrome. Reading your posts you could have been talking about my son. He was always "different" not seeming to fit in one way or the other. Go with your instincts as a mum if you think something is not right get a multi disciplinary assessment done ASAP. Referal via GP or health visitor.

Bookworm is right you can have a child with difficulties even when they are extremely bright. My son is 18 now done extremely well academically still has problems but we accept him for who he is. Getting a diagnosis helpt my OH accept that there were problems. It changed his attitute to our son and the way he dealt with him.

Good luck

Regards

Zaffie

[Bookworm]

What, health visitors like the one who advised her to let him starve?

 

Mnyspider, can I ask you what are your qualifications to make this rash statement? I'm only asking because after just one reply, you have dismissed the child's issues as "just" being hyper when it is obvious to us parents of children with similar issues that there may well be something more than a 5 year old growing up. The very fact that Sharon has expressed her worries on this forum indicates that she herself has some very real concerns. For those of us who have seen our kids grow up different and having noone listening to us when we were trying to tell people about our worries, instead being dismissed as over-protective or worse, being accused of trying to hide our failings as bad parents by blaming our child's "imaginary" condition for their odd behaviours, I can't start to express how shocked I am that someone should do the same on here.

 

Sharon, the one thing that mnyspider has got right is that as his mum, you know him better than anyone else. So trust your instincts: If they tell you something's not right, you're probably right.