Mental health: Have I done the right thing?

[watchinginvestigation2011]

The asti team were told and it was a male doctor who said he didnt want to put it down on the referal.

 

I have in a round about way talked about her, but due to different person every time, dont think they listened.

 

They did tell me I am not mad as insane, which was reassuring:lol:

[PriorityOne]

Have you heard of this book/film?

 

Sybil - a 1973 book by Flora Rheta Schreiber... and a film with Sally Field. There's been a re-make since that time but the original is better, so I'm told.

 

It's based on a true story and might help you understand the id character(s).... and how/why they evolve.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sybil_(book)

 

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Thanks I will look into it xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I have found that book, goodness.

 

Also typed in the conditon and epilepsy and found a study where they found that patients who had the aura appearance of epilepsy which I sometimes but not always do have a higher chance of having personality problems.

 

Just wonder wether the fact I have epilepsy and was well as I said years ago, wether they collided and it took over.

 

I mean I know sat here fine somthing is wrong, but I am sat here okay, the way I behave and the anxiety I cant control in situations when I dont feel safe, like going out.

 

Not meaning to spook anyone but it was also made worse when about 16 years ago my parents wanted me to go and see them, they had got wind of me about to go to the police. They at their house kept saying over and over untill they were sort of finding it necessary for me to repeat it, saying not much happened and in the end I did say it as felt very uncomfortable.

 

I later wondered wether my dad being an retired policeman had recorded that and manipulated it to have another here me say not much happened. I will never know, but I dont know about you not much happeend in any case at least proves that something did happen if you see what i mean.

 

that night mum went off to bed and that convinced me she knew some time later, because he started again. He gave me whiskey I had never drunk before and at that point I decided to scream for mum and well he tried to shut me up with I still remember putting a cushion from the sofa over my mouth.

 

Next thing I am waking up with him doint mouth to mouth, which I assume is him being disgusting again, but in this case an ambulance arrives adn I am screaming at them not to let him near me due to the pillow and me then apparantly having stopped breathing.

 

They reassure me he was when they arrived doing mouth to mouth (personally think he new what he had done) and that I had stopped breathing and was brought back after some time.

 

They dont let him in the ambulance despite his protests and I wont let him near me again for since that day, my husband was called and after about a week I was allowed to return home to my local hospital for tests.

 

They then said I was epileptic and probably so since 11, they seemed to not listen to me repeating what dad had done, but to be honest once I was away from them and home I was more relieved. They did brain scans and said I was epileptic, but I am deeply troubled that even if I was an undiagnosed epileptic, I was okay as far as I knew till them when he stopped me breathing.

 

He told everyone of my family I was mad and that was why I was not seeing them, but truth is I still can see him with the pillow, I remember the glass of whiskey, I remember mum leaving and me in the front room, I remember trying to scream, so I dont think its a case of I simply collapsed and stopped breathing s my parents played out, if epeilptic he made my condition worse if not caused it, by stopping me breathing.

 

The doctors I fear and found out later my dad had been trying to find me etc.....as had gone to the police, were pretty much convinced I had had an episode and didnt want to touch on the issue of what he did. I personally feel that I was not epielptic untill I had stopped breathing for apparantly some time and I feel but will never be able to get proof, that he caused it and the fact he cause it and how I dealt with waht he also did became too much for me.

 

i understand why I am weird, but dont know if I will ever change as it is also fearful that as I have been this way for so long, do I want her to go?

 

Incidnetly prior to my dad stopping me breathing I was as I thought pretty much in control of me, then i went down hill.

 

Ive also seen on site that a lot of doctors dont believe that people can have more than one id and wonder if the man I saw did not want to put it down becasue of his personal belief.

 

I know what happened to me was bad, but think that poor sybil went through more. The problem I have is the recurrent neet to prosecute my father and no one being interested as he was a policeman, they say basically I should get over it. Its the same as my triggers as in having to prove something or if silly but upsetting like asda and they say we are adamant we delivered you that food, therefore you are tellling porkies, I get very distressed, still polite, but cant deal with lyers who sit or are there in front of you or on phone religiously insisting something did or did not happen, when after all I was there.

 

One thing i did notice in the review, was them saying how the human mind does it to deal with the pain and I suppose its better than what one side of you wants to do and that is to end it. So I should be grateful she is there and that she can take over and i do know when stressed at night I can switch over, but wake exhausted.

 

I personally feel abusers should be shamed, my family was only interested in the fact that if I went to court and the police said this, but I wasnt privy to my dad had a police pension, and the fact if convicted he would lose it. My dad apparantly said my motives were to rob him of his pension, I mean how would that have benefited me in any way, I had nowt to gain other than hoping for a genuine apology. My dad and mum were not concerned for me only what others would think of them, so I am best rid of them.

 

Bit like in the mail today that woman who wrote the book apparanlty about what her mother did and the fact the mother is playing the victime that losing her case means the court costs will mean she may lose her home.

 

TOUGH I SAY !!!!!!

 

See you later xx

[PriorityOne]

Please forgive me if you've said this already.... but

 

Have you spoken to the police about what happened or,

Have you been persuaded not to because your dad might lose his pension, etc. or,

Do you believe that no-one will believe you because your dad is/was a police officer?

 

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Been to the police about four times and even got advice from officer of here under another username some time ago.

 

Was told in the latest instance they had lost most of the file blaming the other pollice authority where he lived now and took humbridge at me suggesting it was not looked into properly. Accused me of suggesting they were not doing their duty, when in fact I said why keep leaving me to it and then saying they woudl get back to me re the case and never did. They in turn siad I was not replying to them.

 

They were only interested in fobbing me off and then said well complain to police ombudsman who to be honest said due to time there wasn ot much hope, but would send me a letter and I didnt reply there I admit, due to losing hope.

 

I know he will never face court now I have accepted that, but do get periods where I still appear at the station asking them to help me prosecute him as feel I have to do something then I exhaust myself and it gets left again.

 

They told me the first occassion that they had concerns over my memeory and being strong enough to stand it court, this devestated me as thought I would be okay, but the said I should leave it.

 

Felt later fobbed off so asked them to look into it again, they called me to a small local station and two men sat down basically saying to not leave it was insinuating they had not acted in line of duty if that makes sence and that they didnt even know what happend to half of the file. They had it sat there but woudl not let me touch it.

 

Next time I am polite more insistant and insist they look into it again and am told basically it has gone as far as it is going to go.

 

Later told they were concerned as to inconsitancies in my statement, so I asked them to tell me what they were, to be told they couldnt, so left devestated believing me they thought I was a lyer.

 

They later told me they didnt meant that they didnt belive me but that my father exemplary career and their concerns over me were enough for prosecution to say nope.

 

I have often wondered what they meant by inconsitancies?

 

Was it because I told them about the pillow, which instigated me to want to prosecute him when stronger? and the fact I was later diagnosed epielptic.

Was it because apparantly my sister said she would have known if something was going on, they kept saying your sister shared the same room, when apart from one occassion my dad called me down to him and of course sis was asleep.

 

I know I didnt lie and offered to take a lie detector test and asked could they offer one to my dad. They said it would be against his human rights.

 

So I do feel the police wont go anywhere with it and feel an injustice.

 

My sister is fourty now and still lives with them, she had a breakdown before me, and I often wonder in time wether she will appear and say it happened to her too, so have made the descision because I cant cope with being big sister again knowing she is also unwell, to never speak to them again, I mean they all think I am mad anyhow and that dad is wronged by me.

 

Thing is I know that my mum knew and it took a long time to realise how evil some parents can be in you would think your first nature would be to protect your kids and leave. My mum and I am not being cruel to say or bitter, was only interested in her desinger clothes and jewlery to extent even as an adult she woudl almost place an order for the china she wanted for her birthday mothers day. She woudl wihtout caring that maybe I had money worried etc,,,keep hinting of what royal doulton or coalport figurine was next for her collection, she knew I woudl do anything to get her pleased with me and ofcourse I bought them.

 

They were selfish people who I am sure now would appear nice people. Like they are the ones with two characters, lovely british salt of the earth with heavy views on others and yet down right scu**y themselves.

 

I had no idea my dad had a police pension, the first I knew was when they called me to the house said they had some things to say to clear the air, and he said if you go ahead I will lose my pension, wether a true fact or not I dont know. I still remember sat there around the kitchen table thinking OMG why have I put myself here, they jsut want to hear what they want to hear, they never said sorry that I can remember.

 

That was the same night as the pillow, so you would think as I would a parent now, if your daughter has said those things wether you were aware or not, why the hell would you leave her alone with your husband?

 

The police complaint ombudsman or whaterver its called a few months ago wrote to me saying as heard nothing will close the case.

 

I do think it was a matter of my dads standing re his career and me conviniently developing in my view a memory effecting illness brought on I feel that night. I mean the drugs alone can confuse you etc... when first on them and I had split with my parnter as well at same time.

 

I often wonder how many like me have given up on justice and are now trying to find out whats wrong with them. I know I am ill and the epilepsy, but feel certain things triggered it off. xx

 

I suppose my only hope would be win enough money to take out a private prosecution for him ruining my life as I feel, even if I lost, I would have stood up in a court facing him and the judge or jury would decide. Thats all i wanted I accepted its not always guaranteed you will win even when telling the truth.

 

He told me he was on the child protection squad in the met and I think i did get it confirmed if I remember rightly that he indeed was in that roll, because I often wondered how much of what my dad told me was true or made up because as an adult you look back and as told their were inconsistancies it plays in your mind what, because I am telling the same story.

 

Or as has been suggested to me before, write it down properly when well and do like that woman in the mail did, write a book.

 

I have nothing to fear form what i suspect my dad would do as in take me like that mother to court, I have nowt to lose as I told the truth.

 

Hae to say money wise as kids we had everything even when they went bankrupt they would do the best for us, we had all the clothes etc....But money and having this and that doesnt cut it.

 

i also was well paid for working in their business, at the age of 11 I was being paid 30.00 a week to myself for helping and looking older than I did i could sit at the register in there store when mum was in hospital for them. By the age of 16 I had saved enough to buy my own moped and clothes.

 

I thought my mum was as close as a sister, in fact when she was ill, she relied on me and then she started to hate me. I feel my dad turned to me when my mum was ill and it was serious, luckily my mum recovered but by that point she hated me. I think she knew but allowed it to go on because my dad was leaving her alone if you know what I mean as she was deeply depressed due to her conditon.

 

I think I still love my mum, but can never see her again and after all she has chosen to see a rosier side to my dad than is true.

 

Gotta go now tired myself out. If I am going on too much, do let me know xx

 

But there are a lot of 'me's' around, wonder how many of us are divided inside.

Edited April 17, 2011 by watchinginvestigation2011

[PriorityOne]

Please don't worry about going on too much....

 

There seems to be a deep sense of betrayal and injustice that's gone on for years.... and I am so sorry that this has never been resolved for you. To go forward and see justice done would take a great deal of strength on your part and could mean that you'd need to re-live what happened. In an ideal world, we'd all get through this but in reality, it's often too much and can break people into smaller pieces.

 

If you feel that you cannot face this battle (especially alone), then it might be an idea to consider an alternative healing process such as writing the book that you mentioned earlier. That way, you could remain in control of each chapter without being cross-examined, as such; only talking about things when you're ready to face them yourself.... and going at a pace that's right for you.

 

You're a survivor. You may not feel like one but you are.... and life has a strange way of dishing out it's own karma to those that hurt us.

 

[Nystagmite]

Go on as much as you want.

 

RE: mental health and epilepsy - As an 11 year old, (I can't believe it was that long ago) I had a seizure, in which, apparently, (I was asleep through the whole thing) I hit my head. For about 3 years after, I suffered from severe migraine and memory problems. Someone once suggested that me hitting my head and the problems after may be the cause of my mental health problems.

 

I hope you are okay nystgmite it is hard work putting up a front, you have got people and friends you can talk to here xx

 

Thanks. I seem to be ok now, I think. I tried putting up a front for ages. I know that if my friend hadn't called the police, (that was so bloody embarrassing) the people I lived with at the time wouldn't have found out. I know he wanted me to tell one of them because he wanted her to keep an eye on me (I had a habit of running away when everything wasn't going wrong) and I refused. I didn't want her to know what was going on.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I think this thread will be a good thing for me and hopefully others too xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Nystagmite (((HUGGS))) xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Talk about kick when down.

 

I have on three occasions after sending copies or letters from hospital to John lewis card services been told they have not received them to the correct dept, at that time I was led to feel I had no choice but to give the info, I know better now, anyway this woman despite me saying personally to her I dont intend sending anymore personal info like that you your company again(abbey did this as well) and as I am paying a token payement, leave me alone.

 

So you can see I am going to have to get more help re this thread and am starting to feel positive and this moo, who I have already said if you are not happy with the token payment then go to court, has sent me a what looks as thich as a dla form !!!!!!! about my health. It also says by consenting they will pass this informtion around to other dca's etc.......NOPE I SAY, and that they exect me to get my consultant to fill in the form.

 

I SAY BOG OFF, I consider this harassment. Last time I spoke to them they said anyone can declare themselves mentally ill and I said you have had three chances to peruse my infor and lost them, also that my origianl complaint as to how I was able to get the card in the first place has been ignored and my account has been in dispute as I see it for years due to this. They never respond to that.

 

Anyway I see that this form is formed by the money advice trust and I ring them and get this lovely man who tells me that if I dont want to fill it in, I dont have to. These forms are meant to help, but when I have already clearly told them my position and they are also not dealing with an ongoing complaint, then they can understand why i feel intimidated.

 

The form asks 'The recovery of debts from your patient may result in contact being made by a lender and or other relevant parties eg dca" and asks due to mental health problem can they be contacted by telephone, letter or in person?

 

I say to you I know what is going on, this account has done the dca dosey do for some four years and always returned to them due to them not answering my complaint hence being in dispute. They rather than deal with it have instead viscioulsy wanted all my details and am suprised they dont want to know my bust measurement and stool regularity.

 

Money advice did say because I have told them I have condition they have to consider me as so wether have form or not, I had the condition when got the card, they still forced it down my throat though, now want all the evidence they should surely as responsible lenders requested prior to dishing it out, but oh no they wouldnt have got their sale that day I say.

 

Dont like it up them do they:-(

[PriorityOne]

Have you sent a CCA request for this account? Which DCA is it with now?

 

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I cant remember been going on so long, I suppose if they get nasty I will do so.

 

Rang them today and this woman is quite senior ursula minchin and I told them last time to deal with my origianl complaint and that I wouldnt send them anymore info and that if they were so unhappy to go to court.

 

Told today by this man that I told them 11/4 that I have mental health problems and that they needed details.

HHHHmmm I didnt ring them 11/4, so someone has probably input that.

 

i told him today to pass a message onto her that I want a written apology for what happened to me with john lewis and that I expect them to write the account off and leave me alone and learn by their mistakes and that I would be awaiting a formal reply.

 

He said it is being dealt with at senior level and that she could make the descision to write off, but when I sat back I wondered if he meant for my benefit or theirs, as in selling off.

 

Told him they had better not sell this account off without dealing with my original complaint.

 

Recorded it to as he kept saying he knew how I felt, but then I added they are supposed to have treat me fairly so have to take the loss their end.

 

I think i did fairly well knowing true call was recording. xx Will see how it goes and if gets out of hand will start proper thread about it as I truly cant remember how far I got with them before stalemate of them not replying. Suppose with them subject access request would be the way to go to get records of my chasing them.

 

Phew deep breath

[PriorityOne]

The golden rule is not to have 'phone contact... Reason being.... because they can come out with all kinds of garbage to panic people.

 

If you decide to send a CCA, please say and I'll help you through it. Is it with a DCA or still with the original creditor?

 

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I HATE ME:mad2:

[daisy lighter]

I HATE ME:mad2:

 

Please don't watchinginvestigation2011.

 

You have done nothing to hate yourself for.

I haven't digested the whole thread yet but saw this from you and felt concerned.

There are studies showing an association between epilepsy and schizophrenia.

You really need to tell your doctor whats happening to you. You need to be assessed by an experienced psychologist not just a GP.

There are people and medication that can help you. You just need to get to them and its your GP who can get you to them. Google epilepsy and schizophrenia and print off what you find and bring it to the doctor.

Don't take no for an answer.

 

I met the most amazing man a few weeks ago who has the condition schizophrenia. He runs a self help group for others. He is in Northern Ireland but you could speak to him?

I will pm you the groups details. Up to you whether you call or not.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

thanks xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Was just finding things too much earlier and felt telling me to thump myself in the head. Just a great emotion to want to smash my own head in, I didnt do it but a little concerned was thinking it and it felt so overwhelming. Ive had this thoughts towards my dad as in wanting to hurt him but cant remember if felt it towards me before. As if the thought was helpful in itself as was wondering why feeling it.

 

Ive had a peak at the issues re schitsophrenia and that it can be linked, also they have a type of psychosis linked to epielptics and I dont know, jsut that I feel the neurologists when diagnose should warn a person, alright no need to frighten some one, but seems fine line between actuall if I interpret if full on schitsophrenia or psychosis.

 

Weird thing is when I stopped breathing last time I was made aware of it, I had an out of body experience I suspect, because was looking down and could see me there on the sofa and the paramedics there, apparantly I had had seizure refused to go to hospital and said would recover on sofa and twenty mins later the paramedics were there again as I had another and they couldnt wake me and had stopped breathing. Creepily for a while I thought the epilepsy was my friend and became a being, now that probably does sound odd, because I now suppose its odd not being able to control the seizures and as if someone else is pushing the button.

 

They were calling to me and I remember feeling safe where I was as if at peace and remember feeling quite distressed that I was being made to return to wherever as didnt know at the time I was floating up there if that makes sence, jsut that I remember a sence of loss when recovering at why hadnt they left me where I was happy. Weird and when tried to talk to the neurologist and nurse about it they didnt want to go there and changed the subject.

 

I feel when some epileptics ask questions after not understanding what has happened they dont want to go into it and even when I was seeing the hospital mental health it felt as if they coudl be doing more as in research perhaps. I now know I still dont understand my condition and dont feel confident that they woudl go into it further.

 

Have often wondered how much it would cost privately to get re tested, as in new eeg and get more up to date feedback as to what is wrong with me. I have even forgot what type of epileptic I am and when found note it didnt seem familiar, so need them to re explain it to me. Wish could just apporach nhs and say please treat me as new and explain fully what is wrong, they just i feel label me as medicine non compliant due to history of some times being that way due to getting thoughts that they are trying to in fact hurt me.

 

I do take my meds now keppra due to lamictal and epilim making me throw up, but feel I was troubled taking them. The side effects of keppra can be linked to psycosis also, but told better to take them than not.

 

I have gone through periods of feeling invincible where convinced they are tying to hurt me to extent one occassion lasting two weeks before I happened to collapse adn then terrified as to what had done and panicked back on to them.

 

I often wonder wether these are thoughts that are me tring to deliberately hurt myself. I also get very depressed when things have been going great and I have been able to say feeling much more well and you woudl think by now that when awake in hospital after taking the meds, that I wouldnt be so devestated as it is familiar but I am. Sometimes its also a feeling of release after a fit, as if what electrics were playng up and had been affecting me poss without full knowledge has suddenly had its fill and the only was is to recover now.

 

When a child due to a hole of a dad I would go to bed, not asleep but in dream like state away from them and find myself happily in another place, but this person was not happy she was in similar situation but the difference was her dad would beat her to a pulp and then that felt good when up about as if got it out of system what as hurting me, often wondered why during the dreams I didnt beat the hell out of dad, but now as an adult i have to say if he suddenly appeared near me without warning and chance to get myself away if I felt panicked I know what i would be capable of, I dont plan it and know to avoid them and the police have told them not to approach or try to contact me adn visa versa after i told the police I was getting thoughts/voices surging me to smash him up, that it was best I kept away and not put myself in the risk of doing it.

 

My dad did go through period when I was young where he was down right violent and the police belt was proudly hanging from the wall as a waning though he did stop this but moved onto well abuse and started saying how he wanted to talk an know me.

 

Never had any feelings or voices re my kids as whatever is inside of me adores them just as much.

 

I dont think the hospital have labelled me as schitsophrenic more ill due to what happened, but I cant understand why I hear voices and dont readily want to be told I am schisophrenic or have personality disorder, I hope to hold off the way we have been going till both kids are 18 and then go into a clinic to be assesed with kids knowing all is okay. They have said they do not consider me as insane and that I am aware when need help. Just that I become aware after some time when realise things are too much again or very dark thoughts are hovering constantly as in I am aware lately how I have been spending way past my means an felt it hard to control.

 

Just as well I am a coward because a coward fears pain, so as much as get the compulsions to smash away somthing holds me back that gives me time to think I suppose, okay you are hearing smash your fist to your head for some reason, but oooh errrr wont that hurt you?

 

Todl you I was a nut bag xx

 

So lucky for me my head is still in tact, hope I am not creeping anyone out xx

 

They do need to help me as often have a drema where I am old and spending my life behind bars and the crime I have commited was killing my dad. I have his email found accidently and a while ago for the first time emailed him what I truly thought of him, and I also had thoughts of doing him harm if he ever came near me again, but thankfully I didnt tell him that as realised it could be seen as threatening when read my email and deleted that part, my thoughts because they are dreams or voices not as if I intend to go and do something.

 

Found on his ebay account he is still throwing money on my mum and sis as in gold apon gold and he started to buy loads of pandora charms. Found myself nosing at what he had bougt and next thing within two months I have he same around my wrist, felt I had to buy the charms, speant a bomb on them as well they are ottop price wise.

 

Maybe because I never to his face got chance to say you make me want to throw up you dirty old git, that it festers and festers. I really ant it to stop now as gone fourty I am tired of it, I go months where it is not an issue and then months and months where it is a daily thought.

 

Dont get me wrong I am not planning a crime:lol: Just cant understand the emotions. xx

 

Going to ask hospital to show me my neurology files so I can read them.

Edited April 30, 2011 by watchinginvestigation2011
errata

[watchinginvestigation2011]

If I am being weird here do tell me xx

 

Do I sound mentally ill or just badly damaged that is making me ill. xx I wish the ups and downs would bl**dy pee off xx

 

Given myself chest pain again now (stress)so will change subject and try to relax xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Wonder if one day I could find a partner who could deal with a fruit cake or wether one day I could hope to be well enough not to have to talk about it?

 

That would be nice xx

[daisy lighter]

Weird? well I reckon we are all pretty weird aren't we?

 

There's so much going on with you that must be hard to deal with. But I reckon you can do it.

 

So are you ill or damaged? I really don't know. Damage can cause illness and illness can cause damage.

Sounds like you need a rest from your thoughts?

 

I hope you manage to calm down and relax.

[daisy lighter]

Wonder if one day I could find a partner who could deal with a fruit cake or wether one day I could hope to be well enough not to have to talk about it?

 

That would be nice xx

 

Yes to all of this.

[watchinginvestigation2011]

xx

[PriorityOne]

 

I dont think the hospital have labelled me as schitsophrenic more ill due to what happened, but I cant understand why I hear voices and dont readily want to be told I am schisophrenic or have personality disorder, I hope to hold off the way we have been going till both kids are 18 and then go into a clinic to be assesed with kids knowing all is okay. They have said they do not consider me as insane and that I am aware when need help. Just that I become aware after some time when realise things are too much again or very dark thoughts are hovering constantly as in I am aware lately how I have been spending way past my means an felt it hard to control.

 

 

Why do you not want to be told this?

 

Waiting for your kids to grow up before seeking the help you need is really not a good idea. "Insane" is not a condition, as such; it's a term that's thrown around to cover a multitude of conditions including bi-polar, schizophrenia, personality disorders and so on. Understanding whatever label you have is key to understanding why you react the way you do.

 

Please owe it to yourself not to allow this to fester any longer.... and take the steps needed to understand yourself without judging yourself.

 

[Nystagmite]

I think for your sake and the sake of your children, you need to get help now. It's better to get help than before it gets really bad.

 

I hope you're ok x