Mental health: Have I done the right thing?

[honeybee13]

11/7 till hospital so not long now xx

 

Hello there, I was just thinking that as I noticed you'd posted. Just over a week, hopefully it will go quickly.

 

HB x

[watchinginvestigation2011]

xxx Just hope they treat me with respect this time and not akin to a conveyer belt of lined up poorly people it felt. Just hope they are better organised will politely say they have to help me or I will be reappearing again and again when it gets too bad. Even if it will never go away they must be able to reassure me there is some safe medication that will help me xx

[Nystagmite]

*hugs*

[watchinginvestigation2011]

xx

[jackieandwayne]

Don't forget the option to write some notes to hand in before your appt - there's nowhere to hide then you see! I really hope this appt goes fine for you, I dreaded having to go to the community hospital but in the end it was a real bolt hole for me. Fingers crossed, only another week.

[Dial Square]

Hi watching.That policeman incident sounds very scary. My heart went into my chest when I read it. Could it be medication that makes that happen do you think?Not too long now until the appointment. You deserve all the support and help you can get with this. I've got everything crossed for you!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Getting nervous about tommorow morning. I know I will not be able to go to bed tonight, so will probably make notes. As they appt is early I will then try to get a cat nap when get home.

 

I am not on meds for the mental side at the moment only the epilepsy, but I do know there is a tight link between epeiletics meds and seizures which could include visions or seeing things and for a long time think they do put a great deal of it down as linked, though nowt officially or perhaps it is too detailed for them to know for sure.

 

I do know if they offer to get me a 'friend' as in a worker to go out with me every now and again on buses etc.....that I will say no. I cant cope with false friends, you see I have a habit of telling my life history, comming to rely on them I think and then they are gone or perhaps because my behaviour depressed them. But I need help to understand me, know what it is and learn to know I will be me no matter how I try, another words accept me if that makes sence.

 

I am going to be forceful and say I feel fobbed off politely as want to know why I can feel so high which is when I do stupid things, then so low where I cannot funtion and end up stuck in a room for weeks that I feel I cannot leave.

 

I am going to ask them if they feel I am wasting their time as know my kids are growing up and we me as a mum they still have grown up well. I will not have my kids feelng they need to keep an eye on me due to what I am adn want them like my son wants to join air force eventually, to feel free to do so, hence how I have been building up a big flase picture to them that all is okay, apart from they know its not when I cant leave he house again let alone room.

 

I will if they offer try group therapy, but just need to know what is wrong with me and that they are not going to dump me and let me back to stage one again.

 

I mean if I admit I get suicidal feelings, they are not going to instantly lock me up are they? I have managed with these feelings for years now, but fear they are getting to heavy and my feeling a coward for not carrying them out may weaken as I get older as I do not want to be a miserable oap lonely and depressed that her life has gone and she does not know where, yet the feelings of depression are still there.

 

Perhaps what happened to me as a child and the fact my dad did try to smother me which led to my diagnosis for epilepsy thereafter is deeply linked and because I will never get justice I feel robbed, perhaps I will never get over that and if they could help me just know what to do when sinking or at least get me on some safe meds that will run with epilepsy meds safely then I could trust them.

 

I dont want a false friend, I have had too many friends who have used my full disclosure to their advantage whilst pretending to be there for me, when in fact just used the info to rob me or as in years past it was my ex new partner via friend of mine, watching how low I was getting ready to stike at right time and she did. I got over that but have just one old f riend left who I see perhaps twice a year but I always feel like I am now unable to relate to her and have decided today to ask her not to call, the reason being I will for weeks be worrying I have gone OTT with too much going on.

 

I am lonely and depressed and feel my life has gone, I cant mix with new normal people as it is obvous they pick up on my illness pretty quickly and I pick up that they have done so if that makes sence. I then get anxious and start to act like a freak. I also know what I see that others dont can appear when I am not stressed, it could be epilpesy it might be mental due to past, but I dont understand it and hope they can teach me to understand it.

 

Imagine being up at the city centre or in a public place and this man or car I see has appeard, son can tell me it is not there with gentle whisper to my ear and I can belive him as trust him and get home asap as know I will now get anxous and ott. Imagine if that happened when out on my own which I have not been for over ten years due to the epilepsy and etc.....I know what can happen and I cant cope with it, surely I am not OTT for trying to protect myself from myself.

 

I honestly worry that if I saw waht I see on my own with no one to say it is not there who I can trust, then I could be dangerous, as know what I want to do to my dad for the pain I feel every day. It is not something I would do deliberately as in travel to hurt him, but know if he suddenly appeared I could not trust myself from beating him up etc....

 

They need to help me for when cleaning my room recently we found three carving knives hidden. I had not put them in my room deliberately, my son said he remembered using them for this and that on the top floor and I decided to put them in a safe place, that safe place was behind my bed. Now they have been there safely but I wondered wether if one day thought i say a vision and grabbed the knife and it was someone else I could hurt them, does that make sence? Lucky for me I have a habbit of not remembering so called safe places for things so just hope it was me meaning to take them to safer place at later date and forgetting they were there, but I worry did I do it deliberately and why. As if worrying about worrying and it is exhausting.

 

I wouldnt be deliberatley hurting them but worry I could do so, so they need to help me, I truly feel at the moment they think I am wasitn their time and dont show any moe than moderatley depressed person, because I occassionally smile at them out of embaressment. I thought they saw through that or is it they see me as damaged and jsut think get over it.

 

I know i cant xx Thanks for being there, by the way I am not a knife weilding maniac, just trying to comprehend why I would do something so stupid. We have now put the knifes in a locked cuboard that son has the key to for cooking and I ask him for the key when well enough to cook, makes sence till I understand am I a nut or have I jsut been let down mental health wise xx

[watchinginvestigation2011]

I wonder if it is possilble for me to learn when going down hill, perhaps I am asking too much, the difference from the the world is great and acting stupid and doing silly things to the end of the world is nigh adn I cant leave my room is quite hard to undersand when looking at it from me sitting here. The ups are as if false ups as in i then reaiise how stupid I have been in over spending or trusting people re contracts etc....to find let down or why did it happen when realisng I have not left my room for weeks again.

 

Goodness I do sound a miserable bag xx But am still here

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Would showing the hospital this thread help me, or make them worry I have not told them the full picture?

 

Thanks for being here by the way xx

[Dial Square]

Hi watching

Sorry I wasn't around to give you support leading up to your appointment. I was at the inlaws for the weekend and haven't been very well the last few days so haven't had a chance to get on.

I notice you haven't been on here since the appointment. How did it go?

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Really upset:sad:

 

The lady on the vodafone/dca thread died:sad:

 

Cant stop crying, think it has brought home to me, that I need to ignore orange now as I am getting too depressed over it. When better will make their lives hell on you tube.

 

At least she is out of pain now and hope her duaghter is okay xx

 

Night night xx

[Dial Square]

That's so sad. I read her first post and was absolutely gutted to hear the sad news. It does make me try to put some things into perspective.

I think you are right about orange. It doesn't matter when you look at that poor lady's story. Only 41 which is younger than me.

I've just got back from the doctors and I've got high blood pressure. I'm going to use this news to force me into a healthy eating plan. I need to lose at least 3 stone and now I need to do it for health reasons.

 

Wish me luck!

[watchinginvestigation2011]

Be very warned posting and being honest that you have mental health issues, I have larnt on my other thread that people seem to take delight in trying to make it worse for you.

 

Perhaps i made abig mistake fessing up to what I am, seems you only gain respect or udnerstanding if you are supposedlynormal.

[Nystagmite]

Very true, watching. Although it's not something I have experienced here.

[jackieandwayne]

Well, we are what we are. If someone cannot handle that then they live in a very sheltered world, and its their problem and not yours! You be who you are, don't be ashamed, what a bore it would be if we all had to live in a black and white world where everyone was the same!

 

If I see anyone having a go at you or anyone else who has mental health issues on here, I shall give them a virtual slap, and it will sting.

 

Chin up mate.