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I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine

said "You smell and you're ugly"

 

Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby plate

of peanuts saying "You're a very handsome young man"

 

Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order

and the nuts were complimentary.

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A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job

working on the dodgems. He's suing them for

funfair dismissal.

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>>She married and had 13 children.

>>Her husband died.

>>She married again and had 7 more children.

>>Again, her husband died

>>But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

>>Alas, she finally died.

>>Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

>>He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're

>>finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

>>Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" The friend

>>replied, "I think he means her legs."

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Sitting round a small coffee table in a room of an international insurance company, a group of 4 people waited for a job interview.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fat lady.

 

After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut.

The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

 

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fat lady who slapped his face"

 

The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".

 

The Frenchman thought - "That damned Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".

 

The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French git again".

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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Michael Winner. What do you do?

 

Shoot Michael Winner – twice.

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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