Ready for the end

[phoenix11]

DD - you are not alone - so many others are going through the same thing.

 

That is important - you are not odd, or bad, or anything else that you may be beating yourself up with.

 

You are depressed and feel your wife and son are not seeing you as you really are.

 

First up, have you talked to your doc? I mean book an appointment and really let it all out. AND - get them to do a revision of your painkillers and other meds.

 

Ask for advice and where to go for support.

 

As for the household / garden stuff, leave it if you can - but make sure you equally don't lift a finger so that will leave your wife to take stock of what is going on.

 

How brave are you? Fancy some radical approaches?

 

Before tomorrow's meal, put a contract in front of your son that he agrees to xxx, yyy, zzz there and then and he has to sign it.

 

He refuses to sign - take his meal and tip it in the bin!

 

Awful? Yep! Get the point across? Definitely - no help given around the house, no free-wheeling.

 

OK - so that is really too radical and awful, but the thought may hopefully have brought a wry evil grin for a few minutes.

 

More seriiously, try to stop controlling the situation - and find a way to get out - even if only for a few hours a day. Do you have anyone you could go out with so you have someone else to chat about 'ordinary things'? What about any voluntary work, are you allowed to do that? If so, you must have so much you can offer with all your experiences.

 

I know what it's like with arthritis in the spine, hip and knees, the pain can be horrendous. But I'm damned if that's going to stop me walking, even when I end up like something out of Hammer House of Horrors, dragging my manky leg behind because the effin thing won't move forward as normal.

 

 

Next, try to have a talk with your wife - I mean a really good, no finger-pointing talk - and be prepared to listen but be firm in that she needs to listen to you too and not make excuses for your son or for herself.

 

and be prepared to listen.

 

 

and be prepared to listen.

 

 

Your wife may be trying to act as the buffer between your son and you to keep the peace. Maybe she can see that it's no fun for your son either - it's a very demoralising situation out there for everyone who has no job. You say you love him, but you're also disgusted that he defies you.

 

That's kids - what were you like at that age? There is a rite of passage that means they become truly awful at some point and just seem to get worse.

 

BUT - when did you two last have a chat about shared interests?

 

Could you put aside your anger for long enough to ask him what he feels like and then ask him to listen to you about how you feel?

 

How you handle this time can make a huge difference to how long it goes on for and how it eventually transforms.

[phoenix11]

Oh - and - join some forums for people with Asperger's - get connected with people who understand what it's like to be you.

 

Here are a couple of websites that may help just to take your mind of stuff that's bogging you down:

 

Asperger and ASD UK Online Forum (Powered by Invision Power Board)

 

Asperger's Syndrome Forum

 

[phoenix11]

Funny old world - just picked this up from thoughtful emails I receive:

 

Trying to change someone is a waste of time. The very thought of changing someone is saying that they are not good enough as they are, and it is soaked with judgment and disapproval. That is not a thought of appreciation or love, and those thoughts will only bring separation between you and that person.

 

You must look for the good in people to have more of it appear. As you look only for the good things in a person, you will be amazed at what your new focus reveals.

 

byRhonda Byrne

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

[phoenix11]

DDd - how long have you known about having Aspergers and who assessed you?

 

If nothing else, try talking to the National Autistic Society because they have excellent advisors who may be able to give you more help than you realise.

 

Talk to your local MIND - get support before you take any further steps.

 

Very often, when adults are diagnosed with a disorder or health issue, temporary or permanent, the family do not want to know about it because it means they have to re-evaluate their own behaviour and perceptions.

 

There is no answer to how to tackle this because it's not you that can change them. The support from others however may help them realise they need to change.

 

For example, having a supporter coming to visit you in your home - then it makes the issue more 'real'.

 

Try and ask around first before you do anything else to get support - for whatever your next steps will be - get supported.