pinkduchess v HSBC

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Made it at last PD!

 

31 pages now and you're still not there, but it's made interesting (not to mention amusing) reading.

 

And I'm still at the beginning stage, but my persistence paid off because I had a letter from my branch giving their direct number so sent them a wodge of unanswered letters and got an immediate offer of a 50% refund without any conditions attached.

 

So now I must try and do a spread sheet about which I don't have a clue and may try to do it on a calculator as the entire issue has existed for no more than five or six months.

 

I don't even have too much of a problem with the interest - its what the bank term "arrangement fees". Another £150 coming up on the 11th of the month I gather.

 

By the way don't you and Pete ever get any sleep - I've noticed the time on some of your posts. Long after the hour when I've turned into a pumpkin.

 

Wonder if you'll get to court or not?

 

All the best

 

Van

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Hi PD + Pete

 

Why does the biblical story about virgins and lamps keep coming to mind?

 

I've sussed the [problem] about "arrangement fees" I'm afraid.

 

After a pleasant chat with my "Bank Manager" I was made aware that none of my four letters had reached her as they had been sent to a "processing centre" which, she assured me, was in England (surprise, surprise).

 

She immediately offered £250 off my charges with no conditions attached.

Ta very much says van.

 

But, being the sort of person he is, van likes to trot off to the village store to buy papers, tins of beans (for when he is really hard up) and the occasional luxury sausage for Mrs. van.

 

He pays by cheque and the village shopkeeper has always written my cheque guarantee number on the reverse. That is until one day her assistant said "we know vandermerwe" and didn't bother.

 

The good lady pays in her cheques about once a week or every ten days (she doesn't get many) and guess what? Cheque numbers 001, 002, 004 were paid (being duly guaranteed) and cheque 003 bounced for which she was charged £4.00.

 

Van grovelled, repaid (by means of a guaranteed cheque plus her £4 charges) and will now await a patronising letter from HSBC telling me I owe, quite probably £75 in "arrangement fees" for paying the 'guaranteed' cheques.

 

Banks - I hate them.

 

Took me a week to get through your site, PD, as last Sunday my best friend was taken to the local A & E where he was given a blood transfusion, diagnose with acute leukeamia, whipped off to the local oncology unit (50 miles away) tubed up for chemotherapy but then given another blood transfusion and sent home complete with open catheters in his chest because the oncology unit has closed down because of a) the floods and b) the new intake of unknown junior doctors.

 

If you think I don't like banks, just don't get me going on the NHS!

 

How was Ibiza? We're seriously thinking of relocating to France. I favour Spain because I speak the lingo, but can't object to France as the language would come back pretty quickly and the grub's so good (and cheap)

 

Best regards

 

Van

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Hi Pete. So it's next weekend is it for the lucky girl. Can just imagine her sunbathing by the pool with nothing over...er..her pink eye!

 

Of course the banks are going to play fair aren't they? For instance, no more "arrangement fees" imposed until the OFT case has been settled? Wanna bet?

 

Vis-a-vis France and Spain we spent a month living in Chatillon-sur-Seine en route to England in order to get our dachshunds vaccinated etc. and absolutely loved it. Mrs. van reckoned she got the best hair do ever with super coffee and lovely staff for £15 (why do women always think about such things?) and fell in love with the local butcher who spoke no English but regaled all his other customers one day about le rosbif (I suppose that should be la rosbif) who bought the sort of bits and pieces no other rosbifs ever bought. Dachshund marrow bones were thrown in for free.

 

I reckon if you keep away from Paris and the British enclaves you're OK in France.

 

And then there are the French women.....oh so chic!

 

As good old Basil Fawlty would say - Don't mention the War.

 

Keep up your banter - can't wait for PD to tell us about Ibiza.

 

Van

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Now it's my turn to try and guess PD!

 

What happened in Ibiza to make you change?

 

I'd grown quite fond of the pink eye, but am sure there's something symbolic about your new avatur but, for the life of me, canb't figure out what.

 

Regards as ever.

 

Van

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You're a bit of a late night girl aren't you PD? Bet you got a reputation as una trasnochadora in Ibiza!

 

I woke up this morning remembering I had been dreaming it was a salamander. Honest, but can't think why.

 

Bit disillusioned now to hear it's nothing symbolic.

 

I'm sure Pete will be back soon.

 

Regards

 

Van

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Sorry, PD - can't help what I dream about.

 

I've just Googled trasnochadora to see what you would have come up with and after reading the third down 'Trasnochadora-42**Momentos** reckon I've more than made up for the 'S' word!

 

I didn't mean to be sooooo personal - for gawd's sake don't tell Pete.

 

Afectuosamente

 

Van

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You can be sure I will dream better tonight!!

 

I have to confess I learned my Spanish in South America (Chile to be precise) and my favourite dictionary gives the translation of the verb 'trasnocher' as 'to keep late hours; to go out on the tiles'.

 

I found **Mementos** rather beautiful though.

 

Back to a battle with First Direct tomorrow. They credited my account with

sufficient money to pay debit orders due today but chose to bounce them instead. Huele mierda!

 

Van

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Hi PD

 

Did you hear the one about the chap last Friday who was about to write to his bank and tell them to take their grubby mawlers away from his weekly stipend of Gordon's benefits?

 

He thought, for this important missive he'd give the old HP a cartridge clean etc., and began to print his missive. Lots of lovely blank or barely visible paper came churning out. Test pages, fairly good on colour but zilch in black.

 

Smacked HP hard. Called it rude names (not repeatable on a site like this), had Jewish nervous breakdown (that's when it happens on the spot) and plutzed all night (and all weekend). Couldn't even get through the Sunday papers. Mrs. Van testy. Bottle of wine helped but made Mrs. Van more testy.

 

Monday morning down to local computer - er specialist. Wait until he arrives at 10.00 a.m. He has put on a clean tee shirt for the week! "Nah. can't do nuffink wiv that can we. But you can have this for 39 sovs".

 

Says Van " but could what, I believe in your trade is known as a tosser, install it?

 

"Why not replies the expert" as I note he has a bit of breakfast egg on his previously clean weekly tee shirt" here's the instruction manual (in twenty different languages) and I'll chuck in a USB.

 

Van genuflects at this generosity even though he doesn't know the difference between a USB and an LOL (memo to self:ask Pete).

 

Goes home. Has second Jewish nervous breakdown at the thought of shoving this bit here and this but there.

 

Being a bit of a sentimental old beggar, turns his dachshund calendar (phoar - they're gorgeous) to Monday (three days late) and pats dachshunds and HP in that order.

 

HP suddenly begins ejaculating (sorry sensitive readers) perfectly printed documents!

 

Anyone want to buy a Canon printer, never used, nice price negotiated.

 

Any who says Sod doesn't rule the universe?

 

Regards

 

Van

 

P.S. I'll send you a proper joke and a reply to quote soon. Prmise

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and I'm reading Lloyds, Barclays and nat west too

 

I said we had classical scholars among us!

 

Van

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Well, at least I managed the quoting bit at last!

 

Can't let PD have all the best ones so I want to tell you all about the day Abraham and Rachel got married. The families were happy as Becky had married a nice professional boy, but he was a little, shall we say, careful about money and so was naturally perturbed when Becky said she wanted to bathe in Champagne before her wedding.

 

Abe had already stashed a couple of dozen cases (bought wholesale) for the reception and so carefully removed all the foil wrapping, wire retainers and corks from each bottle, poured the Champagne into the bath and called out to his beloved "Becky, your bath is ready."

 

Going into the bathroom Becky saw the inviting bubbles and jumped in to luxuriate beneath them.

 

After her bath, Abe carefully refilled each bottle, managed to get the corks back in, rewired the retainers and even got the foil back on the bottles and into the case when he suddenly realised he was one bottle short.

 

"BECKY" he screamed in panic "YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU?

 

Pip-Pip

 

Van

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Oh dear, red faces all round!

 

Where I used to live, and where some of my best friends were Jewish, the diminutive form of Abraham was Abe and the diminutive of Rebecca (not Rachel) was...er...Becky.

 

Now you know why I can't do this blasted spread sheets!

 

Just in case you think I am anti-semitic (which I am most decidedly not as the joke was told to me by my Jewish dentists while he was drilling away) Mind you I could have easily become so after laughing with that rotating tool in my mouth!)

 

Then a priest told me about two girls in Dublin who opened a massage parlour in a quiet street where two elderly spinsters sat opposite peeping through their curtains, watching, timing and, of course commenting and tut-tutting.

 

One day a Minister of the Church of Ireland appeared in the street, rang the girls' door bell and was quickly let inside only to emerge an hour later looking rather pleased with himself.

 

"Did you see that sister Mary" snorted one old lady watcher to the other "that Protestant hypocrite has been sporting himself with them girls - thank God I'm a Catholic".

 

Next day who should appear but Fr. Murphy himself who also disappeared inside the girls' dwelling.

 

The two old ladies looked at each other for a moment before Mary spoke "sister Martha, 'tis ashamed of myself that I'm thinking, one of those poor girls over the road must be dying."

 

Van

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OK, Ok. Freaky Leaky.

 

Will do as requested, but not with Becky's Champagne.

 

Hinting to OH she might go and get a bottle of Scotch from the Co-op to do so 'cos it's on special this week.

 

We have been talking about a Jewish Princess, none other than Rachel Rebecca Cohen, daughter of Howard Lewis Cohen and Mrs. Cohen of Cleckheaton.

 

Van

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Van's a prat.

 

Didn't you know?

 

Mrs. Vandermerwe

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And all this before the Springboks have even got into first gear?

 

Jislaik man.

 

Van

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Evening all. Glad to see my favourite trasnochadoras are up and about.

 

I know pd I haven't braved your quoting test yet. I tried it on someone else and almost got it right, but for you it has to be perfection!

 

I've got a couple of really stupid questions which I know you experts could answer:

 

1) How does one tell whether a poster is male or female? No doubt about

pink dutchess and castle best, but what about someone with a handle

like 'sodoff' for instance?

 

2) As I'm sitting with some 500 printed pages downloaded from the forums,

how does a chap print, say, just one page or even one posting from a

page?

 

Please spare a moment during your nocturnal adventures to tell me.

 

Have fun!

 

Best wishes.

 

Van

[vandermerwe]

 

[You just told me not to 'google it' 'cos you you knew I would, then - but you lost me with 'momentos]

 

Just go for the feminine version - trasnochadora - and you'll see exactly what pd and I mean!

 

Van;)

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[

 

 

 

Hey PD, i've done it!! arent i just fabulous??

 

 

 

]

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Nope, pd - just as Mrs. Van said. I'm a prat.

 

Thought I had got it when I replied to johnnymitch, but I just don't get the border and shaded background.

 

Trust old Pete to blow our cover to all and sundry - he couldn't possibly be jealous could he?

 

I don't use the word 'gender' in this connection - always makes me think of Latin and German nouns and I don't know any neuter people. Well, there was always my old chemistry master who, to our shame, we called "Squeaker" because he had had a nasty accident.....but we wouldn't want to discuss that here would we?

 

I actually like the word sex, but once again.......

 

I'm always getting myself into deep water on your thread pd - it must be Los Momentos!

 

As ever.

 

Van

 

P.S. How DO you write accents on here?

 

P.P.S. I tried unfurling your 'f' but felt I was getting into uncharted waters again - what's it for?

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To heck with the cheese, pd, good old Freaky knows how to do accents - at least the upside down exclamation mark and, presumably, the question mark as well.

 

Perhaps they use them in Welsh?

 

Van

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[why is everyone speaking Spanish ??? ]

 

Because pd went and sported herself in Ibiza pete.

 

Regards

 

Van

 

(Please dear Lord I've done it right this time!)

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Oh mierda!

 

Van

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Hello Fans

 

¡O mierda!

 

And that was the last post I made before crisis struck. But at least it was on my favourite site: pd - v - HSBC (not that we see much about Honkers and Shankers there these days!)

 

After using that bad expression, the demon banker struck and - yo sentí como un huevón doble reculiado - the computer crashed. Being Saturday, there was nothing I could do until Monday when the local expert (they are not in abundance in the heart of Van country) said he thought the power pack had blown and he might be able to look at it the next day.

 

Tuesday afternoon I pick the beast up (£65 to you squire), take it home, connect all the wires and - zilch. Too late to call local expert so take it back next day when. I am told, I had switched it onto 115 volts and it had blown again. "Make it £60 this time mate"- lucky day obviously. Get it back, wire it all up but can't access e-mails or even respond to pd so LE agrees to make a house visit (more than my doctor would!).

 

"I'll show you what's wrong" says Van tapping away at the keyboard like Liberace on substances - and, naturally, the bloody thing works perfectly.

 

"Well, we'll just make it 30 for my time" says LE (I love the way they drop any reference to currency when they're on the make).

 

I carefully stash away all the cables and position the box of tricks alongside the desk and try (a) to access internet banking and (b) post something for my duchess friend. No way.

 

Into town again today and come back with new keyboard ("I'll do it for 6 quid for you guv.") about which I suppose I can't complain, and now I can post to Pink Duchess - ah bliss indeed!

 

Thanks so much for your PM and I've spent a pleasant afternoon catching up on what I had missed. Special thanks to Jowalsky (who I now know is a she and not a Polish he) for the accent advice - easy isn't it when you know how?

 

Will keep my head below the parapet on the subject of rugby to avoid causing embarrassment (phnah-phnah - you ain't seen nothing yet) but would enjoy a pisco sour - the national drink of Chile that has the reputation of more bad language (see above!) than any other Spanish speaking country - gazing with Pete and Lattie at the sunset sinking over Prescott Towers.

 

Now, to pontificate, and explain why accents are not only desirable but also essential in Spanish. I can only quote from a letter in "Private Eye" after "The Independent" informed its readers it was dispensing with accents. The writer advised he would not be using The Indie's columns for sending seasonal greetings to Spanish friends as, he wrote, "the word for year in Spanish (año) is accented whilst the unaccented word - ano - can mean something slightly different and somehow 'Wishing You All A Happy New A***hole doesn't sound quite right.

 

Mind you, that was we all became so anti-banker.

 

You're welcome to come and give private tuition any time pd

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Sorry Jowalshy - I was going to get new glasses until I had to spend all my dosh on computer bits, but it looks just like the real thing! Three or four of those and even Prescott Towers would look good.

 

And, sorry pd, I still haven't answered your concern about unfurling your 'f'. I was referring to the four symbols at the bottom of every post the last of which looks like the letter 'f' on an orange background. I tried clicking it once, couldn't understand where I was and lost the message I had been intending to post.

 

Another example of lack of computer training.

 

By the way I got my parachute account - now to try and make it work on-line.

 

Best wishes to all.

 

Van

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Hi PD

 

Thanks for the PMs.

 

We're going to lay this ghost together aren't we?

 

Oh dear, having said that, Pete will come up with something won't he?

 

Have spent the day getting my parachute account set up for internet banking - it's working - it's in credit:D but only thanks to Vandermerve minor who spiked it. VDM major, regrettably, doesn't give a stuff about his Dad - which I can handle - or his mother (which, actually, I can't handle:()

 

What's all this about Freaky and a deer joke? I've been swapping a few with him on a newbie's site (Shonk) and he's sounding a bit frisky.

 

Good oke is Freaky - doesn't take offence about rugby comments:D

 

I really loved your joke - honest - I really appreciate those where the sting's in the tail. Oh, b****r I've done it again - really pd I'm not doing the double entendres on purpose

 

Wait for me tomorrow.

 

Van

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Keep me a good looking sheep Freaky. You'll recognise me 'cos l'll be the one in a Springbok jersey.

 

Another true story from law-student lore. Defendant appearing at Worcester Crown Court on a rather disgusting charge was asked if he had anything to say in his defence. He told m'lud he'd drunk eight pints of cider and as he walked home the sheep had smiled at him and so he couldn't help himself.

 

Think I've now figured out for myself what pmsl means after last night's nocturnal chats.

 

An educational thread indeed, pd, bet you're still sleeping:cool:

 

Regards to all.

 

Van