"Sorry you felt attacked hon - I am always the most blunt person on here! I think i;m getting to the heart of it and saving time but y'know, doesn't always come over that way!" mkeay I see the other two have replied in a jokey way, which is a shame. Don't let it get to you, have a look at some other posts if you like - you'll see Emmzzi comes across as pretty nasty at times. It's not you, it's her issues. And Good Luck.

I think this is sexist Emmzzi. Not meaning to be unkind.

Yes, point taken Emmzzi, feminism is for the equality of women with men, a good thing, I was using the term wrongly, as it is sometimes mis-used. I meant 'some of the HR stuff appeared to me to be sexist biased towards women (not feminist)' You're right to pull me up on this. You're not correct in implying I want to see a continuation of the 'controlling patriarchy'.

I'm not going to chat with her anymore. We work close by, but don't deal with one another work-wise. This is more about whether any good can come out of this frustrating situation. Is there a culture of encouraging people to go to HR, when it might in cases like this be better to encourage people to set their own boundaries ? Pin Stripe

Okay, I've kept away from, and will continue to keep away from, this colleague. BUT, I did mention this to her Manager (who is the HR Manager) today, and her Manager said that's not what the complainant wants, she wants to continue chatting with me as before but without me emailing her. She also confirmed there was no other issue involved, she simply felt 'singled out' by the email. I think chatting further with this colleague is too risky for me. I'm giving up on a friendship here, but I'm not going to chat with her about non-work stuff any more. This 'non-complaint' went to the HR Manager who took it to my Manager who frankly took it as bad judgement on my part. I found that embarrassing and it could affect career development for me in the short-term. The complainant could have just asked me not to email her. We've been friendly for a while, she used to come into my office sometimes to talk, it isn't much to ask. I did also read some old posts as suggested by Smokejumper (like the name!) and I think some people have tried to justify bad stuff. But also some of the HR stuff is really quite feminist, and it is scary how male (mostly) careers can be ruined by one quick mistake. That's my view. In my situation I find it unjust that the HR Manager has told me it's not about the content, or my intention, and only about the perception of the email. So it's wrong because the person I send it to says it's wrong, and they don't have to give a reason. Nor is there any suggestion made to the complainant that it would have been better for her not to go to her Manager. Nor any suggestion that her Manager telling my Manager was OTT. (The complainant's Manager and I share the same Manager, so she was simply updating her Manager on what had been happening.) It feels a bit dangerous to be male in the workplace to me now. Especially when I read some of the comments above, eg suggesting an acceptable interpretation of "we used to get on well" is "I want to have an affair with her". Crikey! Frankly it's dangerous for a man to be friendly with a woman at work if that attitude is common. Interestingly I got an email today from a friend who's moved to the US, one difference he notes is "the people are niaively friendly in a way that Europe has lost". I'd add: what a shame we've lost that friendliness. Having got past my upset, I'm surprised no-one, not one person, took the view this email is not wrong, and the HR process has been abused here. I've looked up the criminal burden of proof for harassment in the UK. The actions have to be such that a reasonable person would find them harassment. To those in HR positions: shouldn't our HR policies say the same thing ? Surely it IS about the action, and a little about the intent too (not just about the perception). Are we too afraid, and are we pandering to people who don't want to set their own boundaries, and are we being sexist in following this agenda. ?? Pin Stripe

The way the thread went helped me. Before I was confused, didn't know whether my colleague just didn't want me to email her about non-work, or whether it was more than that. To me the first replies seemed quite brutally honest (and frankly shocked me at times ) and then became more empathic, but all agree I need to steer clear. I see clearly it's down to my colleague if she wants to chat again, I just deal with her as I need to professionally. Without this I might (I think some will be shocked at my naivety) have tried to 'build bridges' with her... I don't doubt there are men like me who have formal harassment warnings on their files and reputations to match. I think you've saved me from making things worse for both my colleague and me. Thank you. A slightly embarrassed, but less naiive, Pin Stripe

Thanks for your reply Emmzzi. Your reply has the benefit of being clear-cut, but many of us have made a number of friends over the years from work, and it would be a shame to cut out all the chat. I appreciate 'just leave her alone' and am doing so, but that leaves me disappointed and feeling aggrieved. Perhaps you're right: get over it. But is there anything else I can usefully do ? My email to my colleague after the event said this (again copied in, word for word): "Hi [name], I’m sorry the email I sent on 9thAugust made you uncomfortable. I’m glad[name of HR Manager] took this up with me, as I hadn’t picked up any indication you wereuncomfortable (you replied to the email with “ LOL very good !! “, and we haven’t discussed it since). Could you let me know what theboundaries are that you would like me to respect ? I’m asking so I don’t do anything that makesyou feel uncomfortable again, and so I don’t give you reason to raise any otherconcerns about my conduct with your Manager or anyone else. Is itjust you don’t want to receive non-work email ? In future, if you have a problemwith me, and you feel you can, come and see me about it to sort it out please. We had been getting on well. Thank you. Kind regards, [my name]" Pin Stripe.

Hi All, first time poster, wanting some advice. My situation is that I'm a man who gets/got on well with a female colleague. We used to chat about hobbies/sport/kids, etc. One day we chatted about skiing, including a vaguely funny story she had about going down a red run. I emailed her afterwards, like this: "Re: Random Friday stuff Hi [her name], I think I’ve found a couple pics of you snowboarding downthat red run: then 2 pics, one of someone snowboarding down a near vertical mountain, and the other with them flat on their face, snowboard sticking up. [my name] she replied: "Lol very good!!" Fine. That was the end of that, just some silly Friday stuff. Except that, some time later the HR Manager came to see me to tell me that my email had made her uncomfortable. Why? "Because she didn't know what to reply to it." I was told this isn't an official complaint, but it's to let me know that I "obviously" need to be more careful in future. I queried whether there's anything wrong with the email and got this reply by email: "Just to clarify that at no time did I state that[name] had ever made a complaint against you but only that she had mentioned tome that receiving the email had made her feel uncomfortable. It is not about your actions or the contentof the email but how it had been received and perceived " The 'non-complaint' was reported to my Boss and I think others know about it. I feel: - embarrassed, that others think there must be more to it than this. There isn't as far as I know. - stupid for not noticing any signs that she was uncomfortable (were there any?), - disappointed that I've lost a work-friend because I think I have to be very careful about her in future - she used to come into my office to chat and I'm not sure I should allow her to any more ? - angry that I've no right to reply, and that this feels unjust. I emailed my work colleague, apologising that it had made her uncomfortable but asking her, if she felt able, to speak with me in future. I didn't get a reply, I was told the HR Manager advised her not to reply. Neither of us have made a move to talk to the other in the few days since. I don't know anything about current HR thinking, but it seems to me it's not right to say it's not about the content, and only about the 'victims' perception. We're a large company and if this is the usual means of dealing with matters then how many times have people been falsely accused and told to be more careful, unjustly ? Why aren't people encouraged to resolve issues by talking to one another ?!? Any thoughts / help ? How would you approach putting this right ? Is this normal HR thinking ? Thank you Pin Stripe