Never thought that i would find my self saying this, but I used to be a man

[Lula]

but CONGRATULATIONS ZIMBABWE!!!!!!!!

 

It is always nice to see the Aussies beaten!!!:D:D

[Lula]

and bugger it all, guess who we are playing tomorrow

[moneyhelp]

but CONGRATULATIONS ZIMBABWE!!!!!!!!

 

 

Cricket or no cricket these words would never fall out of my mouth! :eek:

[Lula]

I have to say that it did stick in my craw a bit, but it was worth it for the look on the aussies faces - priceless, and of course the excuses started when Australia had lost 3 wickets !!!

[Guest louis wu]

The look on Punters face was priceless.....although I thought the smile was going to be wiped off my face when someone mentioned Duckworth-Lewis:confused:

[Lula]

and then we go and beat them today - the arch crims tomorrow, hopefully, with the shambles that they look at the moment, we will royally stuff them, I dont care about winning the 20/20 world championship as long as we stuff the aussies lol

[Mr lex]

I had a dream last night, that we beat the Aussies at Cricket and then stuffed South Africa in the Rugby !!!!

 

( another note to self.....Stop eating cheese before you go to bed )

[HSBCrusher]

oh.

 

Its about cricket

[Lula]

yep and although we lost Collingwood was a master strategist in deciding to have a bat first - that way, there was no way that they could thump us and land us with a NRR lower than Zims, and i hadnt even thought of that - bloody genius!!

[Woolleykat]

oh.

 

Its about cricket

 

Double oh:(

[Lula]

I see that there has been a blatant abuse of power again!!

[Woolleykat]

mini BAH HUMBUG!!!

[barracad]

What? Where?

 

Now, come on if you're going to discuss such boring subjects, somebody has to spice it up a bit to avoid people falling asleep.

[patrickq1]

more intrest in a big steroid hewoman from the russian shot throwin compitition

[Woolleykat]

Oh cats!!!!

[Castlebest]

I think too many people have been eating cheese.....

[demon_x_slash]

*props chin with stick on desk*

 

*forces eyelids open with matchsticks*

 

*inserts earplugs*

 

Right, cricket then...

[Woolleykat]

Balls and stumps oh and players red stains umpires leg before!!! and other strange sayings

[barracad]

Balls and stumps oh and players red stains umpires leg before!!! and other strange sayings

Indeed. The whole thing is quite bizarre.

 

For anybody who doesn't know what cricket's all about, let me explain. (Although I don't really know myself, this is just what I have grasped from the bits I have managed to see before falling asleep...)

 

Cricket as a game is not what I would call 'an exciting spectacle'. Come to think of it, there is literally nothing in life that I would call 'an exciting spectacle', as this is a phrase that I have never used, and will never use.

 

Although having said that, in the fourteen seconds it took me to think of the phrase and type it, I have come to feel rather fond of it. Perhaps I should start using it.

 

On the minus side, I've noticed that I've become quite prone to italicising words to place stress on them (if you don't know what italicising means, I'm afraid I can't help you, because you are eyewateringly stupid). I don't agree with excessive italicising as I think it is sloppy. Therefore, from now on, the deal is: more exciting spectacles, less italics.

 

Anyway, cricket. In my opinion, cricket is not an exciting spectacle. Not as exciting as, say, watching a retired chiropodist driving a motorcycle and sidecar on a Wall of Death, with a leopard in the sidecar, in Leatherhead, Surrey.

 

No sirree.

 

You'll have gathered, if you have read this far - and apologies if you have, this really is going absolutely nowhere interesting - that the voluntary watching of cricket is one of the many phenomena in this carnival of insanity we call 'life' that I find baffling. That there are people presently existing on our planet, sentient people, who would choose to watch a game of cricket being played, keeps me awake at night, disturbs me (though perhaps not as much as the fact that I am writing this, right here, right now).

 

It's not just the watching of the cricket though. There is also the phenomenon of 'going to watch the cricket' in a live setting. I find it mind-bogglingly, full-on eppy mental crazy that people would pay to go to "the Oval" or "the Triangle" (or whatever the other places are called) to watch a game of cricket being played. Not only that, but the fact that they would utilise a portion of the energy reserves available to them to move one leg in front of the other in a manner that carried them, either entirely on foot or via some other means of transport, such as a motor vehicle, or an omnibus, or a train, or even a bicycle, but I digress, to the aforementioned temple of cricket.

 

I haven't even mentioned yet the fact that said persons travelling to said temple of cricket to watch said sport probably thought, when they awoke the morning of their visit to the cricket, about what they might wear there. They actually used up precious moments of life thinking "will the slacks be uncomfortable or should I go for the jumbo cords?"

 

What's more, they possibly spent a good part of the day - while they were at work, or maybe while tending to their offspring (not in a dodgy sense, you understand) thinking about the cricket-based revelries to come. Actually cricket matches seem to be played during the day, so perhaps in these situations they look forward to the cricket-based revelries to come whilst actually watching them. This is how wormholes form in the fabric of time, according to my Readers Digest Book of Made-up and Briefly Amusing Absurdities.

 

Why do they do it? For anyone who doesn't know what cricket is, here is a definition (just realised that's what I said I was going to explain, so here goes I'll finally do it): two men (women are forbidden by law from playing cricket by the Women and Cricket Act, 1981) stand in a field with a load of other men standing around watching them. One stands in front of some whittled down planks, whilst holding another plank in his hand which has been whittled down but not quite as much as the ones behind him. The man without the planks has to throw a ball at the planks behind the other man, whilst he tries to hit the ball back at him with his plank. Then somebody thought that was a little boring so for some unkown reason when the ball is hit by the plank the man runs around the field for a while, whilst the other men on the field go and look for the ball. The man who runs the most wins a game (called a Crick). Whoever wins the most Cricks wins the entire Match and has to shout "I AM CRICKET" to seal the victory. Ridiculous.

 

What other sporting event would require spectators to travel to a place that is named after a geometrical form, then sit in rigid silence, without even the possibility of being allowed out to enjoy a snack or a chat with a friend, for up to seventeen hours? Pro-celebrity ludo? Perhaps. Then again, perhaps not, as this does not exist. Yet.

 

Ok, as Americans often start their sentences, so it's theory time.

 

Next time you happen to catch cricket on the television, take a good look at the crowd. I mean, a really good look. In fact, a gooooood look. Their blank stares. Their beige cardigans. Their palpable approval of tinned 'travel' sweets dusted in icing sugar. Their attention, focused - uncannilly, wordlessly, even psychically - on the same thing. What does this all mean? Let's take a look at the evidence.

Dead-eyed crowd

Beige cardigans

Geometrically-themed venue

'Umpire' and 'players'

13 men in the field

Green field

Weird trousers

Cricket ball

You might want to sit down before reading my conclusions. Comfy? Westside.

 

Dead-eyed crowd - Chosen ones preparing for the final reckoning

Beige cardigans - Symbolically also worn by Four Horsemen of Apocalypse

Geometrically-themed venue - Actually just a fad

Green field - Obviously represents Garden of Eden

13 players - Can it be coincidence that there were 13 people at the last supper? Is there a hitherto-unbeknown cricket reference in Da Vinci's famous painting? No. Of course there's not.

'Umpire' and 'Players' - Father, Son and Holy Spirit

Weird trousers - Extra pockets handy for storing valuables while soul ascends to Heaven

Cricket ball - Represents purity of the soul

 

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that, when you watch a cricket game on television, you are witnessing that most exciting of spectacles, the actual fulfilment of the prophesy of Revelations from the bible - ie the end of the world. The ultimate battle between good and evil.

 

 

Just thought you should know.

[Woolleykat]

 

Seen it all, worked at Trent Bride House which overlooks cricket ground of said name, when big sides got there it was like parking got took over and had to pay even though worked there, work, well sad gits watched for free from office windows, us proper workers got interupted by resounding cheers or other explitives when every ball got bowled (that ws a hard one to type)

Take it it's not cricket for one!

[Castlebest]

Cricket is the only spectator sport that requires plenty of alcohol and a good supply of Friends to talk to while your watching.... or not lol

[Woolleykat]

Which is obviously what I must have had last night going by my spellings - watched music channels all night coz telly c***

[elsinore]

 

For anybody who doesn't know what cricket's all about, let me explain. (Although I don't really know myself, this is just what I have grasped from the bits I have managed to see before falling asleep...)

 

There are two sides, one side out in the field and the other side inside.

Two of the men that are inside go out because they are in and when one of them is out he comes inside and another man goes in until he's out. When a man goes outside to go in, the men who are already outside try to get him out, and when he is out he comes inside and the next man in the side inside goes outside because he’s in. When all of the men (except one of course), who are in the team that is in are out everybody comes inside and the side that's been in goes outside and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out and, if they feel like it, they come inside and then the other side which was inside is in and has to go out.

 

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. These two men are appropriately dressed in white coats and wear several hats and jumpers. They have pebbles in their pockets.

 

When all the men in each side have been in and are all out, they go in and do it all again until they are all out again. Finally, when the sides have been in and all out twice, both sides come inside, that is the end of the game and one side wins. This doesn’t happen very often.

 

Sometimes, if one of the sides is not out because their men are still in and the other side has scored more, it’s a draw. This should not be confused with a tie, which is not the same thing.

 

Another reason why neither side wins is that, unlike all other team field sports, if it rains, nothing happens. Sometimes, nothing happens for five days, in which case both teams wear sunglasses, play cards, look through the windows and then go home.

 

Armed with this information, Barracad, you will now be able to fully appreciate the game of cricket and enjoy the cut and thrust of England’s premier summer sport.

 

Next week: Fielding Positions

 

Els

[barracad]

Armed with this information, Barracad, you will now be able to fully appreciate the game of cricket and enjoy the cut and thrust of England’s premier summer sport.

 

That's basically what I said, except you missed out the tinned travel sweets and beige cardigans.

[Woolleykat]

What about the 'cricket teas' and why can't they all stick to 20/20