Coerced Debt Domestic Abuse

[Laura Cooke]

My relative started a relationship 14 months ago it soon became apparent to the family that the partner was controlling my relative we saw tell tell signs and relatives behaviour started to change, withdrawing from family & friends. Then relative who dislikes dogs suddenly purchased 2. Relative suddenly living a champagne Charlie life style and acting totally out of character. Partner in and out of work and often displays unsociable behaviour.

 

Last weekend relatives partner who works away returned home on the Friday in a foul mood and was drinking throughout the night and this carried on throughout Saturday,  relative took their child to a party and remained upstairs keeping out the way. Relative collected child from the party and settled down drinking 2 glasses of wine and partner came upstairs making threats and took relatives phone to "check who they had been messaging" relative ran out of the house with child and got in the car the partner pursued them as they tried to drive away, both relative and child said the partner was banging on the windows and then disappeared, well it appears he either lay down in the road to stop them or whatever and was run down, relative and child heard a thud they stopped to look and partner had been hit, relative called an ambulance, the relative was arrested, relative gave a reading of 51 Police and child`s statement backed up what relative had said. The partner remains in hospital.

 

Relative was told to give a no comment interview but solicitor did hand the Police a statement, The Police say in their opinion my relative is a victim of domestic abuse, but at this stage as said nothing about this. The solicitor said it is obvious to him what an ordeal my relative as had for 14 months, and said in some cases if proven that the accused had no other choice but to flee the home and had been drinking they might hold on to their licence, relative is 42 and as never been inside a Police station let alone ever been in trouble with not so much as  even parking ticket in the 25 years they have been driving. The relative had no intentions of drinking and driving they never have, they never intended to go out again that day. They had a choice to stay in the home and face heaven knows or flee to safety.

 

It as also emerged that the partner coerced the relative to take out a credit card, loan and this weekend had been trying to coerce them into taking a mobile phone contract out. The relative has the 2 dogs that they cannot cope with which were £5,000 for the pair the insurance the partner took out is £200 a month. My relative has never had any debt and never had a credit card and now as all this debt they cannot afford. Is there anyway they can get the debt wrote off of the grounds they were coerced to take it out. Everything to pay out as been put in my relatives name on top of the pending criminal charges they are at their wits end with the debts.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, relative cannot stop crying we just want to help if we can the neighbours have all rallied round to help run my relative to work and school everyone as been so supportive, my relative as been through hell and it has not even ended yet. They simply do not deserve all this trauma.

 

 

 

 

Edited October 7, 2021 by Laura Cooke

[BankFodder]

It all sounds awful and I suppose it's not an uncommon story.

There are quite a lot of issues here.
Clearly there is the economic abuse and we can certainly give some help and support on that.

Additionally there is the drink-driving charge and this property not a lot we can do about that except that the first defence that comes to my mind is "self defence".
If the police do decide to pursue it and your relative ends up in front of a magistrate's court then it says to me that that is the best defence that they should discuss it with a solicitor as it appears that you have already involved a solicitor.

One thing you should be aware of is that the abusive partner may now try to turn this to his advantage and make a claim against your relative for compensation for the injuries that he has received.

I suppose everybody has already made statements to the police but in any event I would suggest that your relative starts making her own statement as quickly as possible with as much detail as possible and file it away somewhere. The statement should be timed and dated so that it can be shown that it is as close to the event as possible.
Has your relative contacted the insurer? I suggest they do that as quickly as possible. Who is the insurer? Your relative needs to make it very clear to them that she was fleeing in order to protect herself and her child and so if she does bear any responsibility then it was as a result of taking reasonable action to defend herself and her child – self defence.
Although insurers should have abuse policies in place, when the chips are down they will think about the bottom line before anything and so I can imagine that they will attempt to deny any liability on the basis that your relative was over the drink drive limit.
Be aware that this is probably going to happen so that at least you won't be surprised – but it is essential to inform the insurer immediately.

You haven't told us whether this man has moved into your relative's home or whether they have set up home together. I think this is important to know – but the real question here is whether your relative is now going to put an end to the relationship.

Unfortunately these things tend to linger on and on because the abused partner is not able for some reason rather to bring everything to an end.

I hope that these rather dramatic events have now bought everything to a pitch where your relative says the connection with this man. It would only be then that she can start to unravel the complications that have been introduced into her life and the life of her child.

Please can you tell us about the home situation. I'm assuming that the abusive partner is not the father of the child.

Who is actually the legal owner of the animals? Clearly they need to be got rid of.

Finally, I think that you should persuade your relative to come to this forum to give us all the details firsthand. Doing everything through an intermediary is very difficult for everybody – especially using a forum format.
You have been here a long time and so you know that we are to be trusted and also you understand very well the anonymity which comes with posting here and so you should encourage your relative to come here, to give us the story firsthand and to answer the questions that we have to put so we can understand the whole story and give the best support that we can.

Finally, I know that you have tried space out your story – but even more spacing would be helpful – especially to people using small screens

[honeybee13]

I really feel for your relative and hope we can help.

 

The dogs could be rehomed. They need to speak to people like the RSPCA, Dogs Trust and others.

 

HB

 

[Laura Cooke]

The relative is my daughter she is a teacher, she will not come on here she is too traumatised at the moment, no she has no intentions of letting the partner back into her life, he is not the father of the 11 year old daughter.

 

As soon as he met my daughter he was pressuring her to let him move him which he did a couple of months after meeting him. 

 

A statement was given to the Police by the solicitor who at present says they say no more.

 

Police had a duty of care to report the matter to Social Services and they have said and the Police bails states she is to have no contact with her partner, directly or indirectly.

 

The vehicle which is leased by my daughter is still with forensics, she as not spoke to the insurers, she is under the impression she is allowed to drive the vehicle till the matter appears at Court? she hasn`t been charged with anything as of yet.

 

The CCTV backs up her statement and that of her daughter as to what occurred outside the premises.

 

Knowing her partner who I assume as done this to others will get what he can out of my daughter as if he as not already had more than enough.

 

When my daughter met him he had a top of the range vehicle all smashed up in a field, he "persuaded" my daughter to keep shelling money out to have it repaired which she kept doing until he was told by another garage it was uneconomical to carry on doing things to it. Then he decided instead of paying out £200 a week for a hire vehicle that he would persuade my daughter to get me  to pay for a vehicle for him which was £1,800 so he hasn`t even paid for this I have.

 

He got my daughter to persuade me to pay for dog number two he paid for the first one out of his furlough grant. She said he would pay back the money as he was no longer having to fork out car hire money, to date my daughter as robbing Peter to pay Paul and £4,000 is till owed to me.

 

He just spins so many lies his wages are paid into my daughters account as he says he cannot use his as he is over drawn so my daughter asked him by how much he said £250 so she paid that into it he is now saying he as bank charges of £600+ and cannot use his account.

 

I was no surprised to learn that the dogs were put in his name, but it is my daughter who has been the one who sees to them, he does nothing for these dogs he was so keen to have.

 

It would be great if you could help deal with the debts she simply cannot afford these debts and she cannot afford the insurance for these dogs.

 

If and when she becomes a banned driver what can she do about her lease vehicle?

 

When she divorced around 3 years ago she paid her former husband off she has managed ok but since this man came into her life he as bled her dry and me and she cannot afford the debts he as coerced to have.

  

He is still married but as not seen his wife for many years (she not even let him know where she lives papers went to work) he as no children from the marriage and my daughter recently paid for his divorce he is expected to receive around £20,000 from this divorce settlement.

 

 

 

 

 

[honeybee13]

Laura, you could start a new thread in the motoring offences forum here. There's a member called @Man in the middlewho's great at motoring stuff and court cases.

 

That way you can keep this thread for debt issues. 

 

HB

[BankFodder]

She certainly is allowed to drive until the court case. However there is a serious risk that the court case she will be disqualified from driving.

You already have a solicitor involved with this but my view is that she must plead self-defence.

Are there any witnesses to what happened when she tried to get away in the car and he tried to stop her? Will the child be prepared to give any evidence – although of course the child will have been traumatised but still, if the child is prepared to speak up in court then that will carry a lot of weight.

If she is still receiving his money into her account then she should put a stop to it. Although some people might suggest that she ought to use the money to settle some of the debts, my view is that the best thing to do is to place distance completely and to cut off all connections and that includes allowing money to be paid into the account.
This might mean talking to the bank and telling them that she is the victim of abuse and she is trying to sever all connections and that she wants to know how they can implement an instruction from her to refuse all payments from this person into her bank account.
If the bank won't do this then let us know, but also she should then close down the account and start another account in a completely different branch.

In fact you will be well worthwhile opening up an account straightaway elsewhere which might eventually be used as her main account if her existing bank won't help her.

I understand that she still has the dogs and of course this amounts to a very unwanted connection with her partner and so she should get rid of them immediately. This means that she should give them to the RSPCA and then get a note to her partner informing him where the dogs are and that if he wants to collect them then they will be with the RSPCA and the RSPCA will be pleased to return them to him – but failing that the RSPCA will try to place them for rehoming.

If they are the valuable dogs that you say they are, then there may be no problem for the RSPCA getting new homes for them.
You haven't told us about the status of the home. Is it rented accommodation? Is it owned?

Whatever the situation, she should start off changing the locks. That means if it is rented accommodation then she should inform the landlord what she is doing and why. I'm assuming that she was living at that address and the partner simply moved in – not that they both found a new home together and moved in.
If it is rented accommodation then does the landlord know about the dogs?

In terms of debts, the best person to help you will be our site team colleague @dx100uk who will probably take quite a direct approach to all of this but you should follow his lead as far as you can.

Start discussing with your solicitor about using self defence as the defence – both to the drink-driving and also if there is any careless driving charge.
Although you have a sister working for you, you should be aware that even solicitors are all too often not sufficiently aggressive or assertive in these matters and so you may need to drive the situation forward a little.

I understand that your daughter may be expecting up to £20,000 from a divorce settlement. She should be very careful to make sure that this goes into a completely different bank account and probably with a different bank. You really need to make sure that there is no connection between her money and any access which he might have to an account.

It wouldn't at all surprised me from what you say that he has some access to the account and you need to close it off. Start a separate account – new bank.
I think this is a matter of urgency

[BankFodder]

Incidentally I think that getting rid of the dogs should be a priority as well. I think it will send a very clear message to the partner that it is finished. And I think it will give a very clear message to your daughter that she can do it and she can take control and getting rid of the dogs is definitely a very significant step.

[honeybee13]

I hadn't realised that the dogs are pedigrees. Normally there's a breed club that would include a rehoming scheme for new owners who particularly want that breed. The only problem might be if the paperwork is in the ex's name, I don't know how many questions these people would ask.

 

HB

[BankFodder]

The quicker solution is to let the RSPCA take care of them.

Take them to the RSPCA or the dogs trust and leave them there. Give them a phone call warning in advance but after that just leave them there.

You could leave a letter with the dogs informing the RSPCA the circumstances of the abuse and why they are being left there and who the owner is

 

I'm afraid I wouldn't be feeding a breed club or do anything to encourage it.

[honeybee13]

Here is advice from the RSPCA.

 

I'm afraid I have to disagree with BankFodder about just taking the dogs to the nearest centre. Since lockdowns ended, a lot of shelters are overrun and owners have to join a waiting list to get pets in.

 

/documents/1494939/7712593/BlackCat.jpg/c5be4421-2965-9081-3219-b8968691eec0?t=1553170297368

Giving up a pet | RSPCA

WWW.RSPCA.ORG.UK

---

Giving up a pet for rehoming is a difficult decision. We offer advice to help you find your pet a new loving home.

HB

 

[BankFodder]

I hear what you say but I'm afraid I would still take them along and leave them there. I'm afraid I don't feel the slightest bit of compassion or concern

[Laura Cooke]

1 hour ago, BankFodder said:

She certainly is allowed to drive until the court case. However there is a serious risk that the court case she will be disqualified from driving.

You already have a solicitor involved with this but my view is that she must plead self-defence.

Are there any witnesses to what happened when she tried to get away in the car and he tried to stop her? Will the child be prepared to give any evidence – although of course the child will have been traumatised but still, if the child is prepared to speak up in court then that will carry a lot of weight.

If she is still receiving his money into her account then she should put a stop to it. Although some people might suggest that she ought to use the money to settle some of the debts, my view is that the best thing to do is to place distance completely and to cut off all connections and that includes allowing money to be paid into the account.
This might mean talking to the bank and telling them that she is the victim of abuse and she is trying to sever all connections and that she wants to know how they can implement an instruction from her to refuse all payments from this person into her bank account.
If the bank won't do this then let us know, but also she should then close down the account and start another account in a completely different branch.

In fact you will be well worthwhile opening up an account straightaway elsewhere which might eventually be used as her main account if her existing bank won't help her.

I understand that she still has the dogs and of course this amounts to a very unwanted connection with her partner and so she should get rid of them immediately. This means that she should give them to the RSPCA and then get a note to her partner informing him where the dogs are and that if he wants to collect them then they will be with the RSPCA and the RSPCA will be pleased to return them to him – but failing that the RSPCA will try to place them for rehoming.

If they are the valuable dogs that you say they are, then there may be no problem for the RSPCA getting new homes for them.
You haven't told us about the status of the home. Is it rented accommodation? Is it owned?

Whatever the situation, she should start off changing the locks. That means if it is rented accommodation then she should inform the landlord what she is doing and why. I'm assuming that she was living at that address and the partner simply moved in – not that they both found a new home together and moved in.
If it is rented accommodation then does the landlord know about the dogs?

In terms of debts, the best person to help you will be our site team colleague @dx100uk who will probably take quite a direct approach to all of this but you should follow his lead as far as you can.

Start discussing with your solicitor about using self defence as the defence – both to the drink-driving and also if there is any careless driving charge.
Although you have a solicitor working for you, you should be aware that even solicitors are all too often not sufficiently aggressive or assertive in these matters and so you may need to drive the situation forward a little.

I understand that your daughter may be expecting up to £20,000 from a divorce settlement. She should be very careful to make sure that this goes into a completely different bank account and probably with a different bank. You really need to make sure that there is no connection between her money and any access which he might have to an account.

It wouldn't at all surprised me from what you say that he has some access to the account and you need to close it off. Start a separate account – new bank.
I think this is a matter of urgency

The daughter was a witness she was in the vehicle with her mum she was given an interview at a special centre and as backed up her mums version of events. 

 

Partner does not have access to daughters accounts.

 

Daughter will not give the dogs away she said if anything they need to be sold they have cost £5,000 doubt she would ever consider giving them away only back to the partner they only 4 months old.

 

The divorce settlement due his her partners not hers my daughter has been divorced 3 years.

 

My daughters partner has no key to the property they were on the car keys and daughter as removed the key.

 

Daughter as a mortgage on her house in her name only. 

 

How do I contact @dx100uk

 

 

[Laura Cooke]

10 hours ago, honeybee13 said:

I really feel for your relative and hope we can help.

 

The dogs could be rehomed. They need to speak to people like the RSPCA, Dogs Trust and others.

 

HB

 

Sorry I have been trying to do a thread about the motoring side no idea where to do it

[honeybee13]

Here's a link to the speeding and motoring offences forum.

 

https://www.consumeractiongroup.co.uk/forum/268-speeding-and-motoring-offences/

 

HB

[dx100uk]

3 hours ago, Laura Cooke said:

Then he decided instead of paying out £200 a week for a hire vehicle that he would persuade my daughter to get me  to pay for a vehicle for him which was £1,800 so he hasn`t even paid for this I have.

hand the vehicle back, 

 

2 hours ago, BankFodder said:

understand that your daughter may be expecting up to £20,000 from a divorce settlement. She should be very careful to make sure that this goes into a completely different bank account and probably with a different bank. You really need to make sure that there is no connection between her money and any access which he might have to an account.

open a parachute account at  the co-op online get ALL hr income paid there

 

3 hours ago, Laura Cooke said:

It would be great if you could help deal with the debts she simply cannot afford these debts and she cannot afford the insurance for these dogs.

cancel the insurance

 

dx

 

[BankFodder]

4 minutes ago, dx100uk said:

 

open a parachute account at  the co-op online get ALL hr income paid there

 

 

dx

 

 

Apparently I misunderstood the £20,000. The £20,000 is the partners divorce settlement – not the daughter – the person who has suffered all of this financial abuse.

I think that we ought to get a full list of the debts – amounts, dates, creditors – et cetera. To start to understand how bad it is.

Also we need to understand the circumstances under which loan or credit card was obtained

[Laura Cooke]

I will get details from her about this credit card and loan he coerced her take out thanks for the support it means a lot she is struggling to cope with everything right now her anxiety is awful 

[The GodMother]

I am so sorry to read about your Daughter. While l can not offer any real support or any help l can safely say this is a safe space and the people of this forum will help. 

I don't know if possible, or even a good idea, but can your daughter contact her exs work place and tell them they are no longer together and to stop paying his wages into her bank account. 

Maybe even ask the solicitor to send a letter to the HR department explaining that. 

 

My further advise to your daughter is block him from everything and any way he could contact her. 

 

 

[Laura Cooke]

No more wages will be going in if he as remained unconscious since the incident, and by all accounts he was very drunk and the ambulancemen asked to what extent he had been drinking, they took a blood test so I imagine he will be charged with drink driving at some time in the future as he was caught on the CCTV going off in his car earlier on that evening. The sister of my daughters partner rang to ask who the employer was my daughter only knew the name no contact details.

[The GodMother]

Thats good. Please try and cut all contact with the family of him as well it will be best as its another way he could contact. 

I hope your Daughter and GrandDaughter will be able to get threw this. They may need some type of Counselling but they have are are going to go threw a lot.

If there is anything l can do to help then let me know l have a daughter who is 13 and some mental health contacts, not that l am saying your Daughter and Grand Daughter have Mental Health problems just know they will have other contacts. 

Oh and before l forget well done for being there for them supporting them and everything you are doing for them. I know it cant have been easy for you to see this happening. They are lucky to have you. 

[Laura Cooke]

My daughter as been recommended to have Counselling, she has had it previously as she suffers with anxiety (no wonder!!) 

 

My daughter doesn`t want contact with his family, her partners sister never had nothing to do with her brother till my respectable and professional daughter came on the scene, his parents are respectable people too having said that the mother does have a drink problem probably this is where her son as picked his habits up from, part of the bail conditions stipulate to not be in contact.

 

My daughter as very supportive neighbours, friends and relatives who are rallying round her, some say they hold guilt for not having intervened, my daughter has been brain washed, I have tried numerous times to find out what was going off but she played it down, I hope she bounces back from this one day.

 

Thanks for the support I really appreciate this it is hard for me I am taking care of my elderly parents who live nowhere near me, my son and daughter who have mental health issues and my nephew who lost his parents whom I am guardian to he is autistic and is an insulin dependent diabetic.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Laura Cooke

[The GodMother]

I am glad your daughter has people helping her. Its not the other people fault as if they had who would have known what happened. 

 

Make sure you get some you time. I mean your no good to everyone else if your not well. 

[citizenB]

If the daughter has been paying for the pet insurance then she could simply cancel the direct debit. Unless of course she is planning on keeping the pups !   Perhaps she could have a word with the local vet being used and ask to put a 'For sale' - or 'new Home required' notice on their notice board.   I would imagine that puppies would be reasonably easy to rehome/sell.

[honeybee13]

Can someone say if £100 per month for each pup is expensive? I don't have recent experience of this but it could be worth looking around for cheaper cover.

 

HB

[The GodMother]

Depends on the breed if pure breed kc registered blood lines etc