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Help / advice Needed - we broke up in December after violence etc ive thrown away his stuff... BUT....


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Hello Everyone

 

So my Partner and I broke up at christmas.  This was after 4 years of domestic violence, financial abuse - the whole works.  I have recently had surgery to repair the damage he did 6 months ago - and 6 months of recovery ahead.  

 

He blocked me on all avenues.  I could not reach him - the trauma was horrendous.  I changed my mobile number in the end, and two months later I text him begging him back, and if he didnt want to come back then i would accept that and he was to collect his belongings by the end of the week.  (This was a sunday)  he called the following day and was interested in knowing if i had moved on etc... i told him i hadnt.  i told him that this situation needed to be concluded one way or another.  he told me he was busy and couldnt collect his stuff.  he wouldnt be held to any arrangements, i just couldnt get him to agree anything! 

 

after another month passes by i have disregarded the belongings that have been stacking up the home / garage.  i just couldnt take anymore.  I spoke to his step mother / father who said they didnt want them, not to take them there.  they didnt want to get involved. 

 

i have since been diagnosed with a variety of mental health issues which I am very slowly working through, and the past four months have been extremely difficult.  i have periods of time that i cannot account for, and only images of my actions. 

 

the situation now is this - he has been in contact, and we are trying to see if we can make things work.  he has been to my home and seen that i have disregarded his stuff, and he is threatening me with all sorts of law and threats of personal attack.  he is once again verbally abusing me and calling me names over the phone.  i have reminded him that i tried to get him to come and collect his stuff but he refused to commit to it.  he has even told me that he has been sleeping with another woman.  

 

he is accusing me of selling his belongings and furnishing my home etc. 

 

of course there is more to this than just this situation.  

 

I have been in touch with Womens Aid and am starting to get some support, but I am very concerned about the repercussions of my actions.

 

i told him that i was agreeable to replacing some of his belongings, but that it would take a lot of time as due to the level of debt that i was left in following the breakdown of the relationship £60k i am at the beginnings of an IVA. 

 

i had pointed out to him that he was responsible for my debt, as he hadnt worked for several years and put me under immense financial pressure - but of course..... thats my own fault.... 

 

in return I have told him that i am waiting for him to repay me the money that he owes me, and that he has not mentioned how he is going to do that.

 

its all very messy..... :-(

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Yes it's very messy as you say – and I suppose that it's not being helped by the fact that you are telling him that you want him back.
Frankly I think that this is simply just another symptom of the abuse that you have suffered and in fact he is one's neediness which generally speaking needs to the continuation of abusive situations. I suppose it's a kind of addiction and it takes quite a lot of cold turkey to get through it.

Obviously this is not a website which can help you with the abuse. It seems that you've already started talking to people and you should probably explore avenues and go for regular counselling so that you can find your own strength.

We can help you with the financial repercussions of the abuse that you will have to start listing out all the debts which have been incurred – creditors, amounts, dates, et cetera.

I expect that my site team colleague @dx100uk will be along pretty soon and will lead you through it – but I have to say, while you stay in this partnership, you are unlikely to be able eventually to sort out your financial situation.

Incidentally, have you actually begun your iVA yet? It may not be the best move. Also, are you getting help from debt management companies? If so, that may not be the best move either. They all take a cut – and the more money they take, the less there is to pay your creditors and the less there is left for you.

 

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I suppose what i am asking is what my position is regarding me disposing of his stuff?

 

im really freaking out about the threats that ive broken some law, i gave him notice, i asked him to come and collect it 

 

where do i stand ?

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Yes I had misunderstood sorry

 

I'm struggling to understand what laws you might possibly break or have already broken. What is he saying?

 

It sounds a bit like a rant from an unstable character.

 

It doesn't sound very wise allowing him to collect it. It will be much better to pack everything up and to send it to him. You should certainly take an inventory and photographs

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While the items were in your charge, you had a duty to make sure that they weren't unnecessarily damaged and that they were reasonably stored.

 

in order to get rid of them, I think that there was an obligation on you to give him notice that they should be collected.

 

This notice should be a reasonable amount of time probably between 7 days and 14 days.

It would be very wise to have given this notice in writing but for instance if you have given it by way of text message then that is fine as long as you keep the text messages and if they are simply on your telephone, you should find a way to take copies and store them elsewhere.

 

Printouts are a very good idea.

 

Once you decided to get rid of them, you would normally have been required to sell them for a reasonable price and then to reimburse the owner of the items with the money that you earned for them -after deducting your reasonable expenses incurred getting rid of them and also any storage charges.

 

If you have broken laws then you don't need to worry because you certainly haven't broken any criminal laws although you might have opened yourself up to a small civil liability depending on what the items were, the notice that you gave him, and their value.

 

Maybe you could tell us more about the items.

Also, if you get any threats about action in respect of these items then I hope that you understand that we will help you all the way.

 

I also think that you should be discussing these debt with my site team colleague because you may well find that you don't own nearly as much as you think you do or there may be better ways to deal with them.

 

 

 

 

 

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the items were clothes mainly :

work suits, DJ, ties, belt, coat, day jacket, jumpers, shorts, t-shirts, trainers, football socks shin pads, ski jacket and walking boots  etc etc  - the stuff that he didnt take while he was packing to leave.  (albeit i did pack alot of stuff the day i threw him out and there was not as much as hes claiming)  

 

the TV wasnt working and it had glass in the screen and i was told it wasnt worth repairing so i took it to te rcycling centre, there was a sound bar that i broke be stepping back onto the glass on it and the sub woofer.  

 

there were some pictures as well, some glazed, some canvas, 

 

i text him (and i have this message and proof it was delivered) and asked him to collect his stuff and i gave him a weeks notice, or I would assume that he didnt want it.  he called me to say he wanted it - but he wouldnt agree to collect it.  he just went silent.   i just couldn't cope with it anymore.  his step mother said she didnt want it - that it was nothing to do with them. 

 

 i am now being threatened that i have broke the law, and that he is going to have me dealt with....

 

womens aid are now on board, as much as i love him, i just cant deal with this. 

 

hes accused me of selling his stuff to furnish my house.  which is a lie. 

 

i work full time. and i have my own money - what little of it i have left.  i am knee deep in debt and he is making no offer to reimburse the money that he 'borrowed' from me year after year.  

 

i need help 

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please do not do an IVA!!

no need for that on consumer credit debts.

 

if he is not signed up as joint on these debts theres little you can get our of him.

as for his possessions, not alot he can do really, just a ruse to get out of paying you all the free money you probably gave him..

 

 

please don't hit Quote...just type we know what we said earlier..

DCA's view debtors as suckers, marks and mugs

NO DCA has ANY legal powers whatsoever on ANY debt no matter what it's Type

and they

are NOT and can NEVER  be BAILIFFS. even if a debt has been to court..

If everyone stopped blindly paying DCA's Tomorrow, their industry would collapse overnight... 

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are any of the consumer credit debts joint with him or all only in your name..

 

dx

 

please don't hit Quote...just type we know what we said earlier..

DCA's view debtors as suckers, marks and mugs

NO DCA has ANY legal powers whatsoever on ANY debt no matter what it's Type

and they

are NOT and can NEVER  be BAILIFFS. even if a debt has been to court..

If everyone stopped blindly paying DCA's Tomorrow, their industry would collapse overnight... 

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27 minutes ago, Feelingdownandout said:

Hi DX100uk

 

So what do i do about the debt and that he wants money from me for his stuff?

 

 

How much is he asking for?

 

HB

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Illegitimi non carborundum

 

 

 

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he wants 10's £1,000's

 

the fact of the matter is that he likely owes me £52k..... i kept him for years and he didnt work, and he just sucked money out of me and credit cards and loans etc 

 

was really awful 

 

and yes - he blamed me - said i had a bad attitude to money - and in fact has said that to me today!

 

he wants a full finacial disclosure from me as he thinks i have ,money!!!

45 minutes ago, dx100uk said:

are any of the consumer credit debts joint with him or all only in your name..

 

dx

 

no - he was clever - its all in my name :-( 

1 hour ago, dx100uk said:

please do not do an IVA!!

no need for that on consumer credit debts.

 

if he is not signed up as joint on these debts theres little you can get our of him.

as for his possessions, not alot he can do really, just a ruse to get out of paying you all the free money you probably gave him..

 

 

ok - i wont 

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But also, I think it will be good idea if you put together a list of the items so far as you can remember them.

 

Also, you said that you gave them a week to collect the items and he didn't – he just went silent. How long did you wait before you eventually disposed of the items?

Has he contacted you in writing about this?

Have you contacted him in writing?

Have the police been involved at all?

In terms of financial disclosure I don't think you need to disclose anything.

What is his professional background? What is yours?

Has he incurred any expenses such as insurance, mobile phone contracts, hire purchase agreements et cetera using your name?



 

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And also, do you own your own home?

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But also, I think it will be good idea if you put together a list of the item so far as you can remember them. - what is it you would like me to item out 

Has he contacted you in writing about this? - his belongings or the money he owes me

Have you contacted him in writing? yes and I have seen him 

Have the police been involved at all? he was arrested in Dec 2019 for Section 47 Assault 

In terms of financial disclosure I don't think you need to disclose anything.

What is his professional background? - he has barely worked in 12 years - he was working in a warehouse, but he doesnt like working long hard hours for minimum wage - he claims he's mentally incapable etc - hes a narssacist basically.  so he is now claiming benefts in the 4 years of our relationship he worked for 6 months in 2017 and 9 months in 2020

 

What is yours? i am a senior secretary and working 

Has he incurred any expenses such as insurance, mobile phone contracts, hire purchase agreements et cetera using your name? - No 

11 minutes ago, BankFodder said:

And also, do you own your own home?

yes i do 

 

help to buy mortgage 

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Well the list that you should make is a list/inventory of all the items which you threw out.

If this can be any accountability going, you may as well have your list and paperwork sorted out.

In terms of writing, – any writing. What is a written.

In terms of the arrest, with this related to an assault on you or something completely different.

Have the police been involved since then? If you are receiving new threats and so forth and you haven't called the police then why not?

Does he have keys or any access to the property? Are there any children involved – either yours together or your own?

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Well the list that you should make is a list/inventory of all the items which you threw out. - ok - i will try - i was in a poor mental state at the time 

If this can be any accountability going, you may as well have your list and paperwork sorted out.

In terms of writing, – any writing. What is a written.i have a message that can prove was delivered and he called me asking him to collect his stuff 

In terms of the arrest, with this related to an assault on you or something completely different.this was an assault on me 

Have the police been involved since then? If you are receiving new threats and so forth and you haven't called the police then why not? no the police are not involved at the moment, i am working with womens aid on a safety plan.  yes i have received new threats, but suspect that was more flannel and hot air as he is angry about the situtain 

Does he have keys or any access to the property? no - i changed the locks months ago while he was still living here, couldnt take anymore 

 

Are there any children involved – either yours together or your own? my 18 year old daughter lives with me (and lived with me while he did too)

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Okay I would suggest that you start taking an inventory and generally speaking producing a file on all of this.
I think it will make you feel much more in control then you seem to feel at the moment.

I think you should assemble all documentation, copies of any correspondence, texts et cetera and also start putting together a diary of things that happened in the past and keeping up-to-date with any new contact made from now on.

This means that you will be ready to react or respond very quickly and also with confidence if anything else happens.

I think you should keep the police completely up to date. This means that I think that you should contact the police and tell them about the most recent incidents in the most recent threats.

You may think it simply flannel – and maybe it is – but it's important that the police are kept up-to-date so that if something more serious happens, they will not think that it is an isolated incident but they will see that it is a new pattern of intimidation.

Of course it's a matter for you personally but it seems to me this extremely bad for your emotional health and also possibly dangerous for you to start giving any signs that you are happy to try again and see how it works out. If you are in contact with any safeguarding organisations and if you are involved in a woman's aid group then you should know this already.

If he contact you again then I suggest that you tell him to put everything in writing – not text but proper emails or letters and that you won't respond to anything until he does. If you give them a message like that then also you must send it by email or by letter.

You must put in distance and that means that all exchanges must be by correspondence – and not by text message and certainly not by telephone.

If he says that he is going to deal with you in respect of items thrown away then tell them to go ahead but to put it in writing. If he tells you that he wants money from you for disposed items, then tell him to put it in writing.

Build up the inventory of items which have been disposed of. Do not share this with him. This is your own secret list. Put down what you can remember now and every time something else occurs to you keep the list up to date.
 

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Ok - I will start to make the list.

 

what can he do to me? can he take me to court? try to get yet more money out of me?  I have none.  

 

he said that he can 'prove' the items that were left here in my 'safe' care.  yet when i asked him to collect them he wouldn't...... i am not a storage facility..... 

 

he would send me emails in the middle of the night from an encrytped email account - i mean, what is that about?   i had to block him in the end as it was derailing me at work.  so he was unable to email me, and I put an automated reply on my email account to say that this account is no longer active.  

 

in all that time he never wrote to me at home - not once

 

if i go to the police he will be rearresred for the previous offence as he was only released without charge and if anything came to light to substantiate the charge he would be rearrested.  

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Well if he takes you to court, it would have to be a County Court claim for something like conversion – which means the you have treated his property as your own and thrown it away.

It is most unlikely that he will be able to do this. It's reasonably easy for us – but for him it wouldn't be straightforward and he wouldn't understand the principles I expect.

If you do get anything from him then don't worry we will help you with it. This is part of the reason why you must compile a detailed file of everything that has happened going back for as long as you can remember – including assaults, property, police reports, loans, every piece of detail you can remember about financial arrangements.

Also, you say that you have lent money. Assemble all the evidence you have of this. Presumably it wasn't all in cash so there must have been payments made which are recorded on your bank statements et cetera.

Pull it all together. You may need to get statements or evidence from your bank. Do it.

Very importantly – informed the police. Stop treating everything as flannel. This is how domestic abuse takes hold and then gets out of hand. Treating it as flannel basically means that the behaviour has become normalised. It's up to you to change the culture not only of his treatment of you but also of the way you view his treatment of you and your own sense of self-esteem and self-respect.

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Send Lloyds bank an SAR. You can send off this weekend. Send SARs to any other company which has close your accounts and in relation to which debts have been incurred as a result of this man.

Be prepared for a lot of paperwork to life in 30 days time – but it will be worth putting together a complete picture.

Apart from anything else, although it is vanishingly unlikely that he will challenge you in court over this, if you have got a full file of the money that he owes you, you will soon have an excellent defence and any judge will quickly understand what is going on and will decline to get involved.

 

I suspect also that going through all the records of the money which you have made available to him over the years will have a sobering effect on you and maybe put the abusive relationship that you have had even more starkly into perspective – and I expect that that will be very helpful

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1 hour ago, Feelingdownandout said:

But also, I think it will be good idea if you put together a list of the item so far as you can remember them. - what is it you would like me to item out 

Has he contacted you in writing about this? - his belongings or the money he owes me

Have you contacted him in writing? yes and I have seen him 

Have the police been involved at all? he was arrested in Dec 2019 for Section 47 Assault 

In terms of financial disclosure I don't think you need to disclose anything.

What is his professional background? - he has barely worked in 12 years - he was working in a warehouse, but he doesnt like working long hard hours for minimum wage - he claims he's mentally incapable etc - hes a narssacist basically.  so he is now claiming benefts in the 4 years of our relationship he worked for 6 months in 2017 and 9 months in 2020

 

What is yours? i am a senior secretary and working 

Has he incurred any expenses such as insurance, mobile phone contracts, hire purchase agreements et cetera using your name? - No 

yes i do 

 

help to buy mortgage 

 

start a new thread in the debt self help forum when you want help with debts.

p'haps be better to get this current issue sorted 1st.

 

dx

 

please don't hit Quote...just type we know what we said earlier..

DCA's view debtors as suckers, marks and mugs

NO DCA has ANY legal powers whatsoever on ANY debt no matter what it's Type

and they

are NOT and can NEVER  be BAILIFFS. even if a debt has been to court..

If everyone stopped blindly paying DCA's Tomorrow, their industry would collapse overnight... 

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21 minutes ago, Feelingdownandout said:

do i pay for a SAR?

 

no free

read it carefully.

 

dx

please don't hit Quote...just type we know what we said earlier..

DCA's view debtors as suckers, marks and mugs

NO DCA has ANY legal powers whatsoever on ANY debt no matter what it's Type

and they

are NOT and can NEVER  be BAILIFFS. even if a debt has been to court..

If everyone stopped blindly paying DCA's Tomorrow, their industry would collapse overnight... 

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