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Tim noise 99

regaining access to my child help

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Hello

 

Dont really know where to start here but a little back story:

 

I had a little girl in 2003 with an ex partner, she didnt work and literally sat at home all day from morning to night in her pyjamas (and so did my little girl!) while i was out working.I was always the one doing the bottles, changing her and playing with her while a mountain of mess filled the house! (she literally didnt do anything)

One day I came home and her bags were packed, her mum and dad arrived and they all left (she took my little girl away).

After that happened she made it very difficult to see my daughter she said I could only have supervised visits, when I saw my little girl I wasnt allowed to hold her and speak to her.

 

It got to a stage where I just wanted to give up and instead had to move away for my own health which meant leaving my little one behind

 

Now in the last few days the mother and her friends have been spamming my facebook and business page with comments saying my girl wants to see me.

 

I have agreed to this and started talking with her which I have been very happy about. We arranged a meeting for Sunday (but her auntie HAS to be present I am not allowed to see her on my own) - now her mother is again making things difficult accusing me of this and that and they are trying to force me to meet somewhere else further away (I live 100 miles away from where they live and we agreed a location around half way)

 

She is trying to make it difficult to see me again rather than helping her daughter see her dad. It really shouldnt be this difficult.

 

I know there have been lots of lies told about me (to my knowledge she has always been in council accomodation and I believe this was the reason she wanted a baby and took her away from me as it was a fast way to a free house etc)

 

I really want to see my daughter , it has been ripping my heart out for 14 years and I have never spoken about it to anyone. Now when I speak to my daughter on facebook I dont believe its her theres lots of nasty comments and i believe its her mum talking on there. I know my daughter was so excited to be finally seeing me now its seems like its all gone

 

I would really appreciate any help. I want to see my daughter I dont want it to be a group activity or supervised (i understand she may want someone there the first time as I am someone new and thats fine with me)

 

It all seems to be their way or no way and I really dont want to get involved in these games again. It took me many years to recover and get my life on track. I have a little boy now whos 2 1/2 and I love him very much and he deserves to know and see his sister

 

 

FYI my name was on the Birth Certificate which gives me 50% parental responsibility. She is using her mothers name, not sure if my name has been removed from the cert without my permission (I have ordered a copy to check!)

 

Would really appreciate any help you can give me in getting the access i am entitled to and not on her unfair terms but equal terms

Edited by honeybee13
Removing unwanted remark.

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2 different routes available to you.

 

The most striking feature of what your are saying is the requirement for 'supervised access only' : have there been accusations that the health and wellbeing of your daughter have been at risk/ would be at risk otherwise?.

 

1) You can go to court, and secure an order setting out the terms of your access (the court would be interested in the needs of the child above all else, but would bear in mind / order an investigation of the risks if there were accusations that your access would need to be supervised).

 

2) You can expect the 'games' ('changing the rules', changing the date / time / place / duration of your access, and the 'supervised access only'), and rise above them, without going to court.

 

Your daughter is 14. Don't involve her in the 'games.

Let her know (can you speak to her? or when you see her) that you want to see her, you and her mother fell out and may still argue, but that doesn't mean you want her (your daughter) 'caught in the middle'.

Let your daughter know when / where / how long for it has been agreed you'll see her, and say "if these plans change, you can always speak to me and we can discuss what has changed".

DON'"T say "your Mum is playing games". DON'T paint her Mum as the 'bad one'.

Your daughter will work it out if her Mum is playing games, but she'll also know if you are joining in the 'game playing'....... so, rise above it, and let her see you want to see her (even if there are games being played), and that you care for her enough that you don't want to use her as a pawn in a game .....

 

Then, when she is 18, your daughter can choose her own terms for her relationship with you.

(Actually, she can probably choose them at 14, but just can't enforce them on her Mum!).

If she has worked out that her Mum was playing games, and that you didn't (in order to protect her) .... who is she likely to view more favourably?

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When I met my ex she was 16 turning 17 I was 21 or 22 at the time so not a huge age difference, but she is implying my daughter is 14 and would be unsafe with me

 

Now I have a young son who is 2 1/2 and my job involves being around children (I am a photographer) so this could have serious implications for both me and my business

 

Obviously I need to take some sort of action to stop these accusations (is this even possible?)

 

There is no history of abuse or neglect or anything like that, she is very bitter and twisted and is trying anything she can think of to be obstructive :(

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Hello there.

 

I'm very sorry that your daughter's mother is playing games and using her own child like this. I agree with Bazza, don't get involved in the games and try to talk to your daughter directly.

 

There are some very manipulative people int this world, sadly. I know another man who wanted to see his daughter after he split with her mum and this lady also played games about the child seeing her father. It's not fair.

 

I hope it works out for Sunday. :)

 

HB


Illegitimi non carborundum

 

 

 

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Hello there.

 

I'm very sorry that your daughter's mother is playing games and using her own child like this. I agree with Bazza, don't get involved in the games and try to talk to your daughter directly.

 

There are some very manipulative people int this world, sadly. I know another man who wanted to see his daughter after he split with her mum and this lady also played games about the child seeing her father. It's not fair.

 

I hope it works out for Sunday. :)

 

HB

 

im not sure how to speak with my daughter though, I have her on facebook but strongly suspect most of the time its her mum on there talking and not her :( (her mums dyslexic so easy to spot, also her tone is very angry where my daughters is nice!)

They wont even tell me where they live , just a basic area (although I did find them on an electoral search!)

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im not sure how to speak with my daughter though, I have her on facebook but strongly suspect most of the time its her mum on there talking and not her :( (her mums dyslexic so easy to spot, also her tone is very angry where my daughters is nice!)

They wont even tell me where they live , just a basic area (although I did find them on an electoral search!)

 

How to talk to your daughter? I'm not sure there is a manual for talking to teenagers, as what is right one minute can be wrong the next .......

 

So, stick to a "basic plan". Answer her questions, tell her the truth, but don't try and make her 'take sides'.

 

Her Mum has probably told her not to say where they live, so don't ask. That doesn't mean you can't say "How is living in ?" ... let her know you are interested in her wellbeing, but if she starts to give details say "I'm not asking for details unless YOU want to tell me, it needs to be up to you".

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How to talk to your daughter? I'm not sure there is a manual for talking to teenagers, as what is right one minute can be wrong the next .......

 

So, stick to a "basic plan". Answer her questions, tell her the truth, but don't try and make her 'take sides'.

 

Her Mum has probably told her not to say where they live, so don't ask. That doesn't mean you can't say "How is living in ?" ... let her know you are interested in her wellbeing, but if she starts to give details say "I'm not asking for details unless YOU want to tell me, it needs to be up to you".

 

 

I mean how as in how can i contact her? I only have her facebook details and I dont believe its always her on there if at all.

 

Thats literally the only way I have of speaking with my daughter :(

 

I havnt even been given a phone number I can call or text

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There are some very manipulative people int this world, sadly. I know another man who wanted to see his daughter after he split with her mum and this lady also played games about the child seeing her father. It's not fair.

 

 

It's absolutely not fair, but it is very common :(

 

Even if it doesn't go to court, it is a form of abuse. The thing is, even if it doesn't go to court the children will often recognise it for themselves ... and when they grow up it informs their choices for their relationships with their parents.

It isn't a guarantee ... sometimes the children are so poisoned by one parent that things can never be repaired with the other ..... but since the OP's daughter wants to see him, hopefully this isn't the case.

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I mean how as in how can i contact her? I only have her facebook details and I dont believe its always her on there if at all.

 

Thats literally the only way I have of speaking with my daughter :(

 

I havnt even been given a phone number I can call or text

 

When you see her, ask: "Do you want to speak other than through Facebook? and if so, do you think your Mum will agree?.

I don't want to ask if it'll make you and your Mum argue ......."

 

Most 14 year-olds will have a phone. If she doesn't, see if her Mum will let her have one ; offer to pay for it, but only on PAYG or a 'capped' contract!.

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doesnt look like sundays going to happen

 

it looks like her mum has had her claws in to her for so long

 

I saw her mums facebook page and all of her friends were slagging me off

 

only her anutie told them to stop , shes the one thats trying to sort it all out

 

 

I think too much time has passed and her mums stories are too well spread around everyone.I am always going to be this nasty

person shes portrayed me to be

 

:(

 

On another note, I also saw her mum encouraging everyone on her friends list to spam my business page which I screen shotted.

This is something that can cause my business financial loss and something she shouldnt really be encouraging

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ok a final update for now

 

my daughter was extremely excited to arrange to meet me.

 

after a few days everything changed (her mum didnt realise she wanted to see me so bad so she made up lots of lies about me in the following days) She now doesnt want to see me and the meeting didnt happen

 

I have seen what they have both written about me on facebook and everything has been screen shotted, which was lucky because facebook took it all down due to the nature of what was said on there

 

The lies have been told for far too long and unfortunately right now it doesnt look like theres anyway to get through to her. So right now I have made the decision to block them both and stop all contact. I have kept her auntie on my list who was trying to mediate and help for my daughters sake, so when shes older and hopefully a bit wiser she will be able to get in touch again through her, right now theres absolutely no point in taking it further which is a horrible thing to say but when you love someone so much and stories get made up and reality twisted this is how it has to be

 

My ex partner openly stated on her facebook that she doesnt want our daughter to have anything to do with me and hoped it would never happen (all screen shotted again for future reference)

 

My ex even fell out with one of her friends on facebook (a child pyscologist) because she realised what was happening and accused my ex of being the problem rather than me, I am sure more of her friends realised also but unfortunately not the person who was most important, my daughter

 

So it looks like my daughter is going to go another few years, or maybe forever? without me in her life. I hope one day she will realise whats happened and get in touch again. All she needs to ask herself really is why does my dad hate my mum so much, that kind of hate doesnt just come from nowhere. One day "I didnt do anything to him" just wont cut it

 

 

thanks for everyone that tried to help, sometimes people are just too far gone though and lies are too ingrained to be undone!

 

hopefully one day I will get to meet my daughter, but not for now it seems

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I'm so sorry to hear that, Tim. I think you've made a good decision and I hope one day when you're daughter is a bit older and more independent from her mother that she will make contact.

 

Hugs, HB


Illegitimi non carborundum

 

 

 

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After reading this, I remembered seeing something like this in the papers

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/fatherhood/11342027/We-must-stop-turning-children-against-divorced-fathers.html

 

But please, don't go quoting the law or things like that

 

It could escalate things

 

See how you could work things out

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