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help with mum

racy tracy

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Hello friends, Im looking for some help and advice regarding the possibility of my lovely mum going in a nursing home, not sure if im posting this in the right place so if not im sorry.


My mum's memory is failing her and it seems to be getting that bit worse every day. She has deteriorated quite quickly over the past 6 months. I would say it started shortly after my dad died in Dec 2014, up until that point she was very much 'on the ball'.......my dad used to call her a walking diary because she could remember things so quickly.


Anyway, as I say, she seems to have got worse in the past 6 months. She has become increasingly confused about where she is. She doesn't seem to understand that she is in her own home, and often rings me asking when can she go home. She moves things in her house and then doesn't remember doing it. As an example of this, she rang me the other day saying she couldn't find her purse and as expected she was very upset and distressed on the phone.


So I drove down to her house with my 13yr old son. We spent an hour looking for this purse, until my son found it......it was under a foot stool in the front room, but when I asked her why she had put it there, she said she didn't :???:........another example is, she keeps putting things in her handbag and purse that I take out. The other day she had my dads birth certificate in her handbag.


I took it out and said "you shouldn't be carrying this around in your bag mum because if it goes missing you will be upset"....so I took it out and put it on her dressing table in her bedroom (she was with me while I did this).....then when I went down again the following day, it was back in her purse, but when I asked her why has she put it back in her bag, she looks at me with a confused expression and says she hasn't, she says 'its always been in there', then when I try to explain to her that I took it out the other day and put it in her bedroom and she watched me while I did this, she has no memory of me doing it.


I have had her at the doctors (much to her anger) and they did a memory test. She was very abrupt with the doctor whilst this was going on, and kept asking why does she need to do this.....at the end the doctor looked at me and said he was going to refer her to the memory clinic at the hospital.....at which point my mum hit the roof and said "oh no!!! your not getting me in not bloody hospital".......she also had her blood pressure checked and his was very high (191/98)......I am supposed to be taking her back tomorrow to have some bloods taken, but she is refusing to go :-(.........


Anyway what I want to know is, if it comes to the day that she is no longing safe to be in her own home on her own, and she has to go into a nursing home, can she be made to sell her house to fund her care? She doesn't have much in savings, definitely less than £10,000.........her only income is her state pension and a small amount that is paid into her bank every month from my late fathers works pension.......I have Power of Attorney for her for both Property & Finance and Health & Welfare........and she has already made a will, which I have a copy of, stating that everything of hers will come to me on her passing.......I just dont want her to lose her house.


Its the only home she has ever had.......I had looked into putting my mum's house into my name now before anything happens, but apparently if I do that and then she does end up going into a nursing home a few months later, they will think that it has been done for that reason, and apparently it isn't that simple to just change the name on the deeds from hers to mine......so, if anyone knows anything that I can do, I would be very very grateful

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tracy, people who advise in this forum will most likely look in later in the day.


Very sorry to hear that your Mum has deteriorated so swiftly after the loss of your Father :(

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I had to go through some of this a few years back. A few points that might help:


Memory tests can be done at home and there is no prodding or poking involved. The ones I've seen are just a series of light hearted questions and chats.


If your mother does need to go in to residential care, then unfortunately the house will probably have to be sold. Gifting or transferring it will be seen as deprivation of assets and the local authority would use what ever means at their disposal to recover the asset. One option to avoid this is to move her in with you, but it will be a stressful and ultimately painful experience providing the required level of care.





No... you can't eat my brain just yet. I need it a little while longer.

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Hello Tracy.


I'm so sorry you're going through this, you're obviously a very caring daughter.


I had the same thing with my mother and memory problems. She was in Somerset and there were very good support co-ordinators. If your mother is likely to be 'self-funding' then social services may not be interested. I rang AgeUK who are great, and they put me in touch with the local co-ordinators who worked for the council.


We also had support from a specialist mental health team. Mother wasn't safe on her own and these people assessed her and found a place in a home. Without them, I don't like to think what might have happened.


We didn't need to sell the house in the end, but I wonder if the local authority would take a charge on the house rather than forcing a sale. I don't want to disagree with Mr.P and my information could be old, but I've heard of this happening.


Hugs, HB

Illegitimi non carborundum




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We had this with an Aunt, who had her own flat. She started to have problems and became really angry with people when a care home was mentioned. It became unsafe for her to live in the flat, as she was doing dangerous things like putting a mains electric kettle onto an electric cooker burning out the bottom. Putting food on to cook and forgetting about it, until the flat was filled with smoke. The crux came when she left her flat to go shopping and could not remember the way home. She had lived at the flat for over 20 years and it was a 5 minute walk from the high street. The Police got involved and the local council arranged respite care for about a month so she could be assessed.


Check with your local councils department that deals with elderly and vulnerable. She might be able to get a place in a respite care home, which you can sell to her as a hotel, offering full board with all meals provided, so she can have a nice rest.


My aunt was assessed in this respite care home and on the basis of this, went straight to a nice care home, which was organised by the council. It was a private home specialising in dementia care and cost about £30k a year. She had saved a lot of money and did not have to sell her flat. But if her savings had dropped below the threshold, the council would have had to fund after application accepted, on the basis that the flat was sold to pay them back.

We could do with some help from you.



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We didn't need to sell the house in the end, but I wonder if the local authority would take a charge on the house rather than forcing a sale. I don't want to disagree with Mr.P and my information could be old, but I've heard of this happening.


Depending on circumstances, the council could place a charge on the house rather than press for immediate sale. However, if the property remained unoccupied for any length of time, they might class the house as a second home and charge a higher rate of council tax. If the mother is currently occupying the property with someone else, then it is possible that the house may be ignored when it comes to doing a financial assessment.


One thing that I would say: An assessment of her clinical needs must be conducted before any financial assessment. It could be that as the condition worsens, NHS funded care may be required.





No... you can't eat my brain just yet. I need it a little while longer.

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First things first It may not be alzheimars (sp???) get her checked out for a urinary infection, my dad in law had a catheter he has a bad UTI which did cause memory problems and confusion Be aware that GPs do get money for diagnosing alzhiemers (sp) will try and find a link about UTIs



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I agree with Madamffluff and can see where the op is coming from but please make sure it is not as simple as she may have an infection of some sort (the op does mention a high blood pressure).


Does she take any medication?, if so is it taken as prescribed?, has there been any change in her medication?.

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Have you also thought about a care package? Or a personal assistant?


Contacting adult social services could be a great start. They too can make an assessment.


When combined with other reports other offers of help can be forthcoming too.


Have you checked her credit file recently to make sure ant and all bills are up to date.


As you have the LPA in place you can always ask a certified person to complete a test to see if she lacks capacity... If she does you need to take over if she has capacity you need to offer your help by whatever means you can.

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