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Partner decided to go


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I'm after some advice.

 

 

My partner of 12 years walked out on me and our 3 children last Friday evening saying she was no longer happy with me.

Didn't elaborate on the reason as to why she was not happy.

 

 

I explained that if we were no longer together then we couldn't live together she immediatley offered to go.

And did..... first few nights she would go out and come back early hours and sleep on the couch.

Now she's gone all nights.

 

 

She does come back everyday to see the children but prefers to spend most of the time with the kids out the way and us talking but going round in circles.

I left them alone this evening while I went out for a short time so they could spend time together. I dropped her off at her friends house this evening.

 

 

  • She wants to go out alot more of late to friends drinking
  • Texting another man but swears on kids lives they are just talking and he's offering support
  • I come in the house she's been going out
  • Saying yes to children. Anything for an easy life
  • No house tidying

 

I have asked her again today where all this is going and she claims she does not know what she wants from life. At a work meeting yesterday she was instantly dismissed for Gross Misconduct.

 

Although the hurt has been done I guess i'd take her back.

 

She now has no fixed address and is staying with random friends on random nights, no job and no money. I worry for her.

 

 

I've agreed to allow her to take children out despite no fixed address on the condition she brings them back to me

at the end of the visit until she gets settled with a new place then we can discuss more permanent arrangements.

 

 

I've also kindly requested that as I know my children have been with this man to play with his kids also from a broken relationship

that whilst she still doesnt know what she wants from life could she refrain from meeting up with him

and his children as I don't my children to become confused.

 

Clearly as she's gone I've started a new tax credits claim and as tenancy agreement is due on 1st September 2015

the landlord has agreed to put it just in my name.

 

 

Has anyone got any good advice for me as I still believe the reason why she's willingingly become detached from the family home

is because perhaps she has done something with this new man whilst still together

and now she is struggling knowing that.

 

 

I've encouraged her to talk to her father whose wife walked out on them many years ago too

leaving 6 children behind but she is very wary of doing this.

 

 

I really don't want to lose my children because since last Friday we've got a really good daily routine going

and the children are happy.

 

 

Any advice would be welcome

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Hmmm, that's a really tough question to answer Morphster. It depends I guess on her side of the story.

 

From what you've written this isn't really a "benefits" question, more a life-style choice question. Your partner has decided to move out and leave you with the kids suddenly. She has also just lost her job due to gross misconduct.

 

As a neutral observer that suggests to me she is having some sort of mental crisis. So I think you are totally correct that she should speak to her family - dad or mum. Is it possible for you to speak to either as well, couching it in genuine concern for her sudden impulsive behavior to get a sense of the real deal here?

 

If she has been having an affair for a while and has now decided rationally to dump her children on you and go off with this new bloke, then unfortunately you will have to respect that - and saying things like "I'd guess I'd take her back", will just see you as a sucker and make her disrespect you in the long term if she knows she can do anything she wants and you'll just roll over and take it. (I don't mean that nastily, I'm just saying it based on the information you've given).

 

Do you own a house together? Do you have shared assets? Can you ask her to go to see a Relate councilor together? A lot more information is needed to give a helpful answer...

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The correct procedure is to inform the DWP/others that there has been a change of circumstances if you are on benefits, including CT. With the CT issue you must let them know asap so you may get the single persons discount. This is a legal requirement as is for any other benefits you maybe receiving at this time...

 

 

With this in mind all future claims should now be in your name alone as you seem to be the carer of the children. You should remove her from all claims and make sure you get this in writing on this has been done then keep these responses from these depts. safe for future use should it be needed,, this will stop any possible misinterpretation that you are still a "couple".

 

 

The advice you should take is to make sure there are no financial ties with her including bank accounts and the like. This will show the relevant departments that you are not living together as a married couple (LTAAMC) the less you have financial ties with her the better, but if you do reconcile then you may consider ties again....

 

 

As for personal relationship advice relate is/would be best that could be given and talk as much as possible to her...

 

 

For a side note it may pay you to check your credit report to see if you have any bad debts that you may not know anything about, money could get tight for a while and that you may want to consider asking your creditors for a little extra time to pay your debts (if any) Noddle is free to use...

If I have been of any help, please click on my star and leave a note to let me know, thank you.

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***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***

 

My ex partner has decided to show up again today to see the children. Sat on phone all afternoon whilst kids out playing with friends. Not interested in coming in to spend time with mum. Now tonight's come and she's no where else to go. Apparently I can't make her leave. Her name is still on the tenancy agreement. I just need to know what my rights are. I'm currently lying in bed with our 3 children whilst she's downstairs on the couch. It's my intention to meet with the landlord tomorrow to sign a new tenancy agreement in just my name. I take it then I have a right to have her removed.

 

The reason why I suggest I want to remove her from the house is that she disrupted the house last week by accepting my request to leave the house. She's been gone since last Sunday and has been making daily visits to see the children. Even when she's here she doesn't spend time with the children she's on the phone texting all the time. She's arrived tonight saying she's no where else to go and she needs to be with her kids. My points are:

 

  • When together she rarely put children to bed. I did when came home from work
  • No paitence for children. Always glued on phone
  • Now she's decided it's over she's trying to nice but making sly gestures to goad a reaction

 

Whilst you all will say that doesn't make a bad mother she's conceeded the way she's done all this is totally unacceptable but insists she wants to be close to her kids. I did say should of thought about that before going.

 

I would like her to leave sooner rather than later however I've a feeling she would go to her fathers who has a large but crowded house. Would I be within my rights to deny her that? I've had the children since last Sunday on my own day and night and we've constructed a really effective routine and I don't want this disrupted like I feel it is already and it's only Night #1

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Can we just be clear on the advice you're seeking here. You mentioned in post 1 that the LL has agreed to you having a sole tenancy from 1st September. Is that all sorted now?

 

 

Are you saying that you don't want her to go to her father's house? Is it her that you don't want there or your children visiting there?

 

 

I'm going to move your thread to the general legal forum as the issues you have now seem to be in that area.

 

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I would suggest seeking legal advice asap. I have been in a very similar situation too you a few years ago.

In short, my ex (2 children's mum) had an affair and then walked out because of the guilt, so she says. Anyway, she then decided she wanted too come back after a few weeks once the realisation set in that she was effectively homeless. We were joint tenants so I could not stop her. But she went one step further, she went to a solicitors who are known for going straight for court orders- she obtained 3 orders against me and I was removed from my home, from my children and was not allowed too contact them or go near them for over two weeks until I got it back in front of a judge !

These orders (residency, non-molestation and occupation I think) are given without your knowledge as the court are told the person will be at 'risk' if the partner had been informed.

Now, the risk part can be something as vague as psychological harm/abuse which was used by my ex ! This was completely made up and proven too be a lie months later, but that did not prevent it being used too begin with.

If your partner is willing to give you custody/residency of the children then get it official

 

If you need any more advise regarding any of the procedures let me know.

 

Good luck.

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Morphster

 

Just something to think about and possibly to save future regrets. Are your Wifes behaviours symptons of mental health issues ? If this is a possibility, you should do some reading up on it and seek further advice. Charities such as Mind have websites containing a lot of advice and if in doubt, it may be worth encouraging her to book an appointment with her GP.

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Hi Guys, Thanks for the messages back. Just an update as to what is going on now:

 

She did come back last Thursday and refused to leave.

She stayed the thursday night and friday night then went again

and has been back daily to visit the children for no more than 2 hours per day and happily leaves again.

 

 

Since last Saturday she's promised the children all four nights she would ring at 7:30 to say good night.

Twice this hasn't happened.

 

 

Not wanting to be bitter towards there mother I've just said they would have to ask her why she didn't call.

She was paid child benefit today to which she took 2 of our 3 children out and spent around £40 on both of them.

 

 

She came back constantly texting on the phone whilst here and not wanting to interact with the children.

The 2 eldest prefer to be out playing on the front garden despite me encouraging them to spend time with their mother.

 

She will text every morning anytime between 9am and 11am requesting to see our children.

I've always maintained she can see the children whenever she would like to.

I have today made it clear that I've plans for our children tomorrow afternoon

so I would prefer her to come earlier tomorrow so we can carry out our plans.

when she called them this evening it sounded like she was in a pub.

 

Tenancy agreement now soley in my name and not hers.

Child tax credits changed to my name in a single claim

and awaiting a child benefit claim form to come through.

 

 

My concern is that she may realise the error of her actions

or new boyfriend will kick in her into touch

and then she will come back and try to take children from me.

 

 

I've worked damn hard these last few weeks whilst she's decided to leave

and worked just as hard for months previous to this

when she was clearly doing things behind my back to which she has confessed.

 

 

She has conceeded to me already verbally that she will leave the children in the family home until she gets a new job

and home but this was followed up by a text stating

"I feel you will use anything against me to take the kids off me

if/when I get myself sorted"

I've never suggested anything of the sort.

 

Depressed.........

........ She had nothing to feel depressed about.

3 Beautiful children,

nice home, car, job, partner who doted on her (me)

 

 

told her how much she meant to me daily and even till the bitter end

I was always getting texts saying how much she loved me.

 

 

Just don't know which path to take from here as if I'm honest bringing up three children on my own is difficult

but at the same time I'm loving every minute of it I dont have the money to pay out for solicitors

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It would be advisable to keep all of the texts both sent an received. As long as your sent texts show no animosity it will help at a later date.you may wish to consider recording your calls with her as well, just to be on the safe side they too could help..

 

As a father of 3 myself the only path available to you is the protection of the children. Their welfare is paramount. Have family members interact with them so they can see that you are doing all you can to protect their welfare.

 

They then can be called for your defence should it come to that..

If I have been of any help, please click on my star and leave a note to let me know, thank you.

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I have been though the same for the last 1 1/2, so I can understand where you are coming from.

Just remember the children come first what ever you do,

Always keep thing on a calm setting in fount of the children.

It is hard work looking after the kids especially with what ever else is going on.

Keep a diary of her comings and goings, and all the arrangements made and broken.

If you want to keep the children once she is settled this will be good evidences.

 

You will need to be firm but fair to your wife, do not be pushed about.

weather you have your wife back or not it will be hard for you, The trust has gone.

 

Good luck I will follow thread

 

Leakie

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Thanks for the feedback so far an support. Am I right to assume as she has no fixed abode an her recent erratic behaviour I'm entitled to insist one of the three children stay with me until we get things arranged legally. Your right about the diary which I will do tonight. I'm now getting one word texts now saying okay. Weather she has plans up her sleeve or she knows the way she's done things has been wrong.

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Keep all the children with yourself as she has no fixed abode.

That is the responsible thing to do

 

If she had one of the children should have a better chance with help for housing from the council,

but it would not be right splitting the children up

they need a stable environment as possible

It is quite traumatic for them at first, split loyalties etc

but thing will settle down after a while in my experience,

Children are quite hardy

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Leakie - The issue at the minute is not around taking the children away from myself and the family home but its about taking them out when she visits. Hence why i've said she can take two and leave one to which i have a take with her agreeing.

 

The concern I have is her new found love pulling her strings. When she comes to visit here she is really polite and sincere and full of apologies for what she has done. When she leaves here she is really short and cold towards me and making plans and changing them. For example we'd arranged to go to a friends birthday party today to which we did and I requested she come early this morning. Due to the weather she backed away and said she would come around bedtime which was no good as I'm getting the children into a routine.

 

The children don't ask for her probably because towards the end she was always out anyway and they understand that I want to readjust to routine. She has promised to call the children to say good night and failed twice. I don't try and defend I simply state they should ask mum when they see her.

 

Is there any way of getting a temporary order to state the children reside at the family home with me given the circumstances as she has no fixed address, no job and no money. She had been meeting up with the new man with our children unbeknown to me throughout the last few weeks and they were hurt to learn mum has left dad to be with him so I'm sure you can understand why I'm asking these questions.

 

I've always maintained to her that she can see the children whenever she would like to and she has always agreed the children reside with me.

 

I've spoke with the health visitor today regarding my 16 month old son to have his 9-12 month review as I found letters hidden in the drawer requesting to see him. I've also rearranged his immunisations as again letters were hidden.

 

As far as i'm concerned I'm trying my best to rearrange child tax credits, child benefit and housing benefit. I just believe the children would be better with me as I can provide for them when she clearly hasn't when she was suspended from work and off sick and maternity leave. I just want what's best for my children and the fact that mummy is very rarely mentioned in the house stands to reason that they are used to having dad around more than mum. Visiation has not and will never be an issue its the fact of taking all 3 out at once which concerns me given the circumstances. Thanks for all the advice so far.

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I suggest you contact a family law solicitor and speak about a residency order, and possibly a prohibited steps order to be honest.

The residency order is self explanatory, states where the children will live.

The prohibited steps order can put into place restrictions such as, preventing the children from being taken out the country, stopping them going too certain places that could be detrimental too their health/mental health.

 

Failing a solicitor taking this on, as I found... If your male the majority won't help !

You can do it yourself at county court, you should get help with the fees as your in receipt of benefits or No income.

You need too file a statement of fact/truth stating the reasons why you want it, and what could happen if it is not granted.

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Sorry if I mis understood you

 

But the advise I gave in general, is good for the future if you are to bring up the children

 

Child Tax credits- A bit of info you may not be asked

,

They wanted proof that the children were with me, eg letter from the children's doctor with your address on it

This was because of a delay with child benefit so anything that has the above info keep to one side in case.

 

I was not prepared for this and was only give less than 3 weeks to sort, but had no idea what to get.

 

2ltr16valve has given good advise

 

Leakie

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Leakie - I dont follow what you mean around the child benefit and doctors bit.

 

Bit more of development. She has now rocked up requesting I borrow her money to take our two girls out at the weekend with her new man and his kids. She tells me she will explain to the children that they are friends. I did contact her stating I think she was being unreasonable and she should show more respect for our children given the way she ended the relationship to not ask to take them to meet up with them together so soon. The children are adjusting to my routine I've laid out and I don't want that broken.

 

Still has no money and no fixed address living with new lovers parents I'm told. The children are sceptical to go with her because they want to spend time with her and not him or his children. I dont believe I'm being unreasonable

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Leakie - I dont follow what you mean around the child benefit and doctors bit.

 

Bit more of development. She has now rocked up requesting I borrow her money to take our two girls out at the weekend with her new man and his kids. She tells me she will explain to the children that they are friends. I did contact her stating I think she was being unreasonable and she should show more respect for our children given the way she ended the relationship to not ask to take them to meet up with them together so soon. The children are adjusting to my routine I've laid out and I don't want that broken.

 

Still has no money and no fixed address living with new lovers parents I'm told. The children are sceptical to go with her because they want to spend time with her and not him or his children. I dont believe I'm being unreasonable

 

I think they are saying for child tax credits to be allocated to you, then you need something to prove the children live with you, so Doctors letters to you at your address about the children would be helpful.

 

At some point you may wish to get proper legal advice, so you don't end up with the children forced by the courts to live with their mother. You will read of cases highlighted by fathers for justice and others, where the mother has been totally unreasonable, but seems to know how to play the system to achieve what they want.

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Ref Tax credits

 

It happened to me as there was a change from the mothers Name was on the Child Benefit

The computer picked up on it so they investigated and had to find proof.

I was just trying to forewarn you just in case this happened to you, it may not.

When I questioned this with the Tax credit department it happens a lot as it is normaly the mother who has the children.

I suppose just checkig in case of fraud?

 

Leakie

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It does seem a bit quick (1 week ) out of the home New boy friend and meet up with the other children

If it were me I would have said no as it was too soon and the children need to adjust first

 

You know you children it's your judgement call,

 

Leakie

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Just heads up with child benefit, they won't transfer it straight to you if your wife is the named person claiming at the min.

 

When I took over CB with my children after a similar situation, even tho I had a court order saying children live with me from X date .... CB still paid the mother for 8 weeks (might be 6) from when they got the claim.

I'm my opinion allowing fruad !! Before they would pay be.

Something to do with the regulations

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Hi and thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread so far. I've got myself a little confused. I'm hoping when I outline in short points what's happened to date someone with experience can help me further

 

  • Told me relationship was over 23/8/2015 - Due to no longer being happy. Explained we couldn't live together any longer she agreed to go
  • Been coming to family home almost every day since to see the three children. Two of them always wanting to be out playing. Little boy not walking yet but she just sits on mobile phone and very little interaction.
  • Desparate for money she's asking every day if tax credits have come through and will i lend her some as she's got nothing
  • Wanting me to lend her money to take our girls to play with new mans kids in the park. I objected but her response was that they've met and played previously (clearly behind my back when they were sleeping together)
  • Came here today and asked to take two girls out tomorrow to local park. Youngest daugther asked if they would be alone mum replied yes.
  • She's today asking to take our girls to the park tomorrow and asked my eldest daughter if she minded if her new man's kids came along to play as they've played before (preassumeably behind my before she ended things and left leaving me with our children)
  • Told children she would call them at a specific time and didn't
  • Tidying up after her departure I found an unopened immunisation letter addressed to both of us reference our son's injections. Failed appointment. Got a call from Health Visitor as he's now 16 months and hasn't had his 12 month review

 

I've spoken with a solicitor who advises to let sleeping dogs lie right now as the longer she is away the better chance I will have of residency. She's told my eldest daughter today when I was upstairs and my daughter was asking questions that her and her "friends" are friends and nothing more. She's also told her that she has been sleeping at his house. I feel I'm being more than reasonable to state I don't want my children around him given the nature of the breakdown between us. My daughter has sent mum a text this evening telling her she wants to go out with her tomorrow but she does not want ***** there. Or his kids. Now I know on face value it will annoy her but there my daughters words and she is prepared to tell mum this herself. I've been more than reasonable with visitation. She's been here almost every day and i've never objected this. I've said when she takes the children out she leaves one of them here due to trust issues. Any advice further would be greatly appreciated

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Hi Guys - Unable to delete a previous thread I created which seems to have become stale I've created this fresh one with all relevant details to date:

 

  • Ex-Partner came in from a "night out" early hours 23/8 and said relationship over as just not happy
  • since then little snippets are coming that she's had a new man on the go for 6 months
  • meeting up with our children with him to play at regular intervals
  • Lost her job through gross misconduct 24/8
  • Left family home and now residing between her new man's house and friends house
  • consistantly breaking promises to our 3 children of activities and trips out as well as baking cakes
  • when she arrives her to visit constantly on her mobile phone texting
  • harrassing me daily to lend her money/collect her to bring her to see our children
  • Verbally/Text agreed to taking two children at a time and leaving one in the family home now going back on her word
  • Eldest daugther very critical of her mum's action but won't say anything as she's "scared" Scared she will get cross with her/me
  • Daughter wants me to buy her a phone (she's 9) to take the Zoo on Saturday as she is wary incase mum takes them back to new mans house
  • Daughter expressed wishes for mum to be alone last weekend. Mum arrived last weekend with her new man's kids. Kids very unsettled with arrangements

 

Despite the confession of a new man in her life I've never restricted access or contact with our children. Did stress that every day was becoming too much as kids needed a stable routine. This natuarally didn't go down to well.

 

As she no longer has a job she's rapidly ran out of money and therefore unable to pay for bus fair to come see our children. I I feel I'm now being harrassed yesterday and today to lend her money or collect her to come and see her children. She's 4 miles away. Eldest states "Why can't mummy walk to see us?"

 

I don't discuss Mum in a negative way around the children as I don't believe this is right way. I've changed tenancy agreement to just my name, applied for tax credits, child benefit & housing benefit as well as reducing my working hours to be around for when the children finish school. The children very rarely speak about her and we are just living day to day life normally however they are anxious knowing what Mum's agreed by stating two will go one will stay behind because Mum told them this and now she's "sick of me dictating and she's taking all three and will be back by 7pm"

 

Clearly I want to act within the law but I'm concerned for my childrens welfare being in mum's care on Saturday given her recent erratic behaviour and already breaking promises and agreements. Her new man has children too who don't reside with him so as she's no fixed address my natural assumption is that she would return them back to me by 7pm like she's agreed however given the lies told to me to date the trust isn't there.

 

I've suggested mediation however she said she can't afford it and doesn't want to go down any legal route and wants to agree between us. My concern is that she's already going back on what we've verbally agreed already.

 

9 year old asking me to buy her a mobile phone for Saturday so I can track where she is so if Mum doesn't bring them home I'll know where she is to enable me to collect. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

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You need to make an application to your local Magistrates Family Proceedings Court for a residency order for your children to reside with you; such application should be made with immediate effect, i.e. tomorrow 9 September 2015.

 

 

All family proceedings are dealt with pursuant to Family Procedure Rules (“FPR”).

 

 

Simply state to the Court precisely what you have stated here and the Court will recognise that you are a very good man and extremely responsible parent who is putting his childrens’ well-being and welfare first in circumstances that are incredibly upsetting and distressing, the Court will grant you the order without delay.

 

 

Tell the ex that from now on she is entitled to visit your children, but only on your terms because her behaviour is unreasonable and is upsetting and distressing your children.

 

 

If she wants to visit, then she must give you at least 24 hrs notice and during the week her visits will be limited to 2 hrs at a time and on Saturday her visits will be limited to no more than 5 hrs and that the other man and his children are not permitted to take part in any of her visits because your children cannot cope with that environment and the atmosphere of it is far too distressing for them.

 

 

The foregoing, as regards visits, is simply a suggestion I am making to you and you may wish to seek such from the Court so it (or something similar) is included in the order so as to provide maximum protection for your children and of course for you while you are all trying to come to terms with the family breakup and trying to adapt and cope with the same.

 

 

You are doing a great job in circumstances that can only be described as incredibly traumatic and tragic.

 

 

I note from your other thread on this subject that you said your (ex) wife had a mental breakdown at work and was fired, however, it is more likely to be the case that she has not had a mental breakdown at all, rather it is the case that the other man has put her under pressure, time and time again, to leave you and bring their relationship out in the open.

 

 

Soon though, she will realise what a ****-bag he is because he is not even willing to give her the bus fare or taxi fare to come and see her own children and if he drives, he is clearly not willing to drop her off at your home so she can spend some quality time with her own children and this behaviour is from a man who is without his own children as he clearly has no regard for them!

 

 

The law is on your side, use it to your advantage and to the advantage of your children.

 

 

Further, you ought to instruct a solicitor (or do it yourself) to commence with divorce proceedings against her on grounds of adultery whereby you will seek full and permanent custody of your children and seek a ‘clean break agreement’ as part of the divorce.

 

 

ibberty bibberty

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better to stick to one thread

 

 

dx

please don't hit Quote...just type we know what we said earlier..

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NO DCA has ANY legal powers whatsoever on ANY debt no matter what it's Type

and they

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If everyone stopped blindly paying DCA's Tomorrow, their industry would collapse overnight... 

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You need to make an application to your local Magistrates Family Proceedings Court for a residency order for your children to reside with you; such application should be made with immediate effect, i.e. tomorrow 9 September 2015.

 

 

All family proceedings are dealt with pursuant to Family Procedure Rules (“FPR”).

 

 

Simply state to the Court precisely what you have stated here and the Court will recognise that you are a very good man and extremely responsible parent who is putting his childrens’ well-being and welfare first in circumstances that are incredibly upsetting and distressing, the Court will grant you the order without delay.

 

 

Tell the ex that from now on she is entitled to visit your children, but only on your terms because her behaviour is unreasonable and is upsetting and distressing your children.

 

 

If she wants to visit, then she must give you at least 24 hrs notice and during the week her visits will be limited to 2 hrs at a time and on Saturday her visits will be limited to no more than 5 hrs and that the other man and his children are not permitted to take part in any of her visits because your children cannot cope with that environment and the atmosphere of it is far too distressing for them.

 

 

The foregoing, as regards visits, is simply a suggestion I am making to you and you may wish to seek such from the Court so it (or something similar) is included in the order so as to provide maximum protection for your children and of course for you while you are all trying to come to terms with the family breakup and trying to adapt and cope with the same.

 

 

You are doing a great job in circumstances that can only be described as incredibly traumatic and tragic.

 

 

I note from your other thread on this subject that you said your (ex) wife had a mental breakdown at work and was fired, however, it is more likely to be the case that she has not had a mental breakdown at all, rather it is the case that the other man has put her under pressure, time and time again, to leave you and bring their relationship out in the open.

 

 

Soon though, she will realise what a ****-bag he is because he is not even willing to give her the bus fare or taxi fare to come and see her own children and if he drives, he is clearly not willing to drop her off at your home so she can spend some quality time with her own children and this behaviour is from a man who is without his own children as he clearly has no regard for them!

 

 

The law is on your side, use it to your advantage and to the advantage of your children.

 

 

Further, you ought to instruct a solicitor (or do it yourself) to commence with divorce proceedings against her on grounds of adultery whereby you will seek full and permanent custody of your children and seek a ‘clean break agreement’ as part of the divorce.

 

 

ibberty bibberty

 

 

Wow thanks for the advice. Just on this cam I apply for order without mediation?

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