Wanting to do the right thing

[eskimoman]

Hi. Firstly thanks to the Cag team & people involved, you guys/gals do a great job.

 

I am a single father with MS (multiple sclelrosis) on DLA and living at home.

 

My ex, her mum is also on benefit (ESA) & receives child benefit for both my daughter & her stepsister. I have no idea how much the child benefit give her (any idea's on that?)

 

We have both been separated a good long time, time in which I've always tried to provide nice things for my daughter (I'll just say Bec from here out, its easier) whom I see on a fairly regular basis.

 

With her starting high school this year (she's 11) I got a visit from my mum (becs nan) saying that Becs mum had been stressed at the cost of school clothing & that I should step in and do the right thing.

 

Now here, I made a point of stating what seems to me to be wholly logical by explaining to my mum that child benefit is for these things & what, for examples sake, if in same situation I had four kids by her mum, would myself as a single Dad on benefits be expected to cover this cost four times over?

 

Anyway, we had quite an argument about this though I since went and told Becs mum that rather than haranguing my mum for these things that I would simply offer up 100 pounds a month towards my daughters upkeep (anything for a quiet life plus my daughters happiness) I had been actually putting money aside into savings for my daughter for when she reaches certain age, which I will still try to do though I am not certain if I can keep that up so well in the face of this new 'situation'.

 

So what I would like to know please is am I doing the right thing?

 

I ask this because I do not think her mum would use this money wisely and solely for my daughter, in fact I would rather take Bec out (difficult with my health probs) & sort the things personally.

 

Also, am I right in saying that her child benefit money should cover the school clothes costs?

 

Whether child benefit covers it or not, as her father I will do the right thing one way or the other, I am just seeking some much needed intel on the situation.

 

Look forward to some clarification on these things, thank you.

 

Oh, and for the record, Becs mum never put me or anyone on the birth certificate as Becs father though I do not want to start getting into a big legal thing about that, she's my daughter, I'm her Dad, we already know this.

 

I just want to do the right thing with the money.

[eskimoman]

I should correct the mistake above i think.

 

She is receiving child benefit (I thought CSA was child benefit).

 

So replace CSA>CB in the above. Thank you.

 

[edited the posts myself so ignore this reply]

 

Also sorry for the double posting of thread, was by accident when first amending.

I've notified the cag team=)

 

Please all replys, perhaps to the other thread, thank you.

[reallymadwoman]

The last time I checked (my own children are now grown up) child benefit was about £20 a week, though your ex is also undoubtedly receiving child tax credits as well. Even so, no one with any sense would think that benefits alone are sufficient for any more than basic living costs and an entire school uniform can be a huge expense, way beyond the means of the average claimant.

 

The majority of 'absent parents' would already be paying child maintenance to the 'parent with care', even for someone on benefits that (at least used to be, could have gone up) would be £5 a week - not much, but a token acceptance that they have some responsibility to support their children. I'm surprised the DWP/CSA haven't already been chasing after you, even if you don't appear on the birth certificate.

 

How you approach this is of course entirely up to you, but so far as I can see the options are that:-

1. You pay something toward Bec's upkeep on a regular basis. Your ex will be obliged to declare this to DWP as income and they may or may not allow her to keep some or all of it without it affecting her benefits. You will have no control over what the money is actually spent on, be it uniform, food, the gas bill or going down the pub.

2. You take Bec out and buy the stuff she needs when she needs it - not just uniform, but clothing in general as well as all the stuff all her friends will have and she will desperately need in the next 5 years, ranging from stupidly expensive trainers to the latest mobile. This latter, as well as being potentially very expensive, has the disadvantage that Bec's mum may stop buying her anything if she thinks you will pay for it instead, plus if Bec has siblings there could be considerable friction at home if they don't get the latest mobile or whatever.

 

You might also consider trying to sort out the legal situation with regard to parental responsibility. If you're not legally Bec's father, what would happen if (heaven forbid) something happened to her Mum? You would have no rights at all.

[Ros1609]

The DWP would not get involved. They won't chase you for maintenance and whilst your ex would have to declare any money you give her for Bec it won't affect her benefits.

 

Child benefit for two children is about £130 a month. It is to be spent on the child/children but it would not cover food, clothing, school uniform, shoes etc throughout each month. She should be getting Tax Credits as well (wouldn't like to guess at how much) but again it won't fully cover the expenses of the children. The absent parent (mum or dad) should be paying an amount each month towards the upkeep of their child. How you do it is up to you. To me your offer of £100 a month seems reasonable but you would have to accept you have no control on how it is spent which is the same for all absent parents. Again taking Bec out to buy what she needs also sounds reasonable but could get very expensive unless you agree a limit beforehand. There is also the potential problem of Bec's mum then assuming you will buy what she needs etc

 

I am a single mum with two children. Both my children are disabled so I do not work as I am classed as their Carer. I have a CSA case with my ex husband and he pays his money each month. Even with getting Child Benefit, Tax Credits and CSA with my daughter starting school this year so two lots of uniform to buy etc I had to ask him for a contribution towards the cost of their uniform and shoes. Benefits just does not cover it

[renegadeimp]

Both parents should be covering the cost. Not just one.

[citizenB]

Child benefit is a tax-free payment that is aimed at helping parents cope with the cost of bringing up children.

 

The information on the link below should help you work out what your ex is entitled to.

 

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/overview

 

The information is on several pages, so you have to keep hitting the "Next" button at the end of each page.

 

I am assuming that you have no financial responsibility for the step sister ?

 

If you are contributing a fair sum, then I think your Mum, IMHO, should keep her nose out of this - it will only end in grief.

 

If your ex requires extra funding for your daughter, perhaps she could let you know what is required and you can then come to a mutually acceptable arrangement. School uniforms can be expensive, especially the shoes - kids also have a wicked habit of growing fairly quickly

[citizenB]

you had two threads on the same issue - these have now been merged into just one

[eskimoman]

Thanks for merging those citizen B, not quite sure how I managed to create two of the same topic, I think perhaps was when editing my initial first post.

 

Cheers for the very sound advice all.

 

reallymadwoman:-

 

Yup, the trend for electric gadgets I know well! She is into computers big time now, always on it at home and when she comes to stay, takes after her old man! Anything like that she knows I got it covered for her.

 

RE the birth certificate, yes she should have put me on it from the word go & this is something that will be put right at somepoint and if something did happen to Becs mum then I would clarify it with a dna test anyway though trying to be in the right place at the right time with her mum to sort this with the legal people is another matter entirely, but if the need was to arise say of urgency like you mentioned then it would be sorted immediately for any legalistic purposes, I'd stop at nothing till that was indeed clarified.

 

I have read through all the replys & it has helped tremendously with how I should manage this. I appreciate you all taking the time out to reply and the advice given, thank you.

 

I'll be talking to her mum hopefully later today and we'll get this in motion so Bec has what she needs covered for her school equip/clothes and pocket money.

 

Cheers for all your help!