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There's this great girl I know, a really good friend. We get on really well.... BUT I don't fancy her at all. She's really fat, and I just don't find her attractive. Shame, but there it is...

 

Anyway, she's recently begun dropping hints, without saying anything directly, and I suspect she's started to think of me as a potential boyfriend. I like her a lot as a friend, and have a lot of respect for her, so I really don't want to hurt her feelings or spoil our friendship. How can I let her know I'm not interested in her in that way? I don't want to tell her that I don't find her attractive because she's so fat, because even though that's the truth, it would upset her.

 

What I'd really like is some subtle way of letting her know that I would prefer we remain friends, without having to tell her directly.

 

Anyone got any suggestions?

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You have no need to mention her size at all. Simply tell her that you value her friendship but are not interested in taking things further.

 

I would hope that her size is not the only reason that you don't "fancy" her. Look beneath the outer packaging, please :)

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Hmmm.... well, a) that's precisely the thing I didn't want; to tell her directly. It announces that I'm aware of the issue, and would cause awkwardness. I want her to form the idea, or realise, that I'm not boyfriend material, all by herself.

 

And b) I knew someone would come up with that platitude.:) Unfortunately, we can't help what we like and what our preferences are. And so yes, I'm afraid it is her size that I find off-putting. Sorry if that makes me appear shallow, but if you don't fancy someone no amount of logic or persuasion can make your feelings change.

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Hello there.

 

So maybe it isn't this lady's size, it could just be that the chemistry isn't there and wouldn't be whatever size she was. If chemistry isn't there, you can't magic it up.

 

If you don't want to tell her directly, I'm not sure how you can get out of this one. Unless you wait until she makes more than hints and then you may need to have 'the chat'. :(

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You're right about the chemistry not being there, and that it can't be forced to appear, but I'm afraid it is her size. If she lost the weight, I might actually find her attractive. But that's a really awful thing to say to someone!

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't like stick-thin girls, I prefer women with a bit of meat on them. But my friend is really too big. It's just that we get on like a house on fire in every other way, and I don't want to damage that.

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Drop a hint that there is someone else, even if there isn't. When something is said, you can say 'my girlfriend said that as well'.

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Tricky: this girl is a good friend and knows many details of my personal life, including that I'm currently single. She would wonder eventually why I haven't introduced my friends to my "new girlfriend"; she's not stupid. Also it risks getting very complicated!

 

Of course, a REAL girlfriend would be the ideal solution, but they're not that easy to find at short notice LOL.

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Just be upfront but in a friendly way. Be her friend, but give her hints that you dont want to be her boyfriend.

 

From your info, we cant be sure that you arent misreading the 'signs'. She may have latched on to you as a very close friend who she can rely on. Unless she starts taking you out on dates, or tells you outright, i wouldnt read too far into it.

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Oh, I'm not misreading the signs, trust me! Lately, she's been getting more physical, and touching me way more than a mere friend would. She's making it very plain, but at the same time, creating an opening for me to make the real first move if I wanted to. So far, I've just been ignoring all the hints, but it's getting a bit awkward and uncomfortable now.

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Just be upfront but in a friendly way. Be her friend, but give her hints that you dont want to be her boyfriend.

 

Agreed. Someone did this to me (I wasn't that surprised by what he said) and it's better than just being strung along.

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Of course, a REAL girlfriend would be the ideal solution, but they're not that easy to find at short notice LOL.

 

...well maybe send a SAR to the next bird who posts?!?!

 

Tbh, I'm not sure this is the place to ask for relationship advice... if CAGgers worked for the Samaritans, you wouldn't be able to get a barge under Chelsea Bridge for all the bodies jumping off it :D;)

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Yeah, I know, but it's not really a relationship thing is it? More of a friendship problem.... and this particular forum is supposed to be for off-main-topic chat.... so I just thought I'd ask.

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You reckon she's waiting for you to make the first move.... Kinda simple really.... You're not gonna make the first move.

 

Maybe she will pluck up the courage and open up her heart to you in a text or a Facebook message.... If that happens, then it's your queue to tell her how out of the blue her declaration of lust/love has come.

 

Be gentle....

 

Don't tell her "I don't fancy you because you're fat/overweight/chunky/obese/seasonally plump (or whatever else)" and wanting her to change so she may become girlfriend material is not fair on her.

 

She will be the same girl inside without the layer of excess fat.

 

I hope she finds somebody who will respect her regardless of her size.

 

Gonna sound like my parents now.... Beauty is only skin deep and beauty is in the eye of the beholder:

 

I should imagine this will hit her fairly hard, but you're right. You can't turn on feelings for people and respect is due that you're not simply stringing her along.

 

I hope your friendship survives this.

 

Regards

It never rains but it pours...

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If you really like her as a friend then you should care enough to be honest, without being offensive. Tell her you aren't the man she thinks you are and she deserves better, but you're really glad you have her as a friend.

 

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Has she got a sister :)

 
 

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Tricky: this girl is a good friend and knows many details of my personal life, including that I'm currently single. She would wonder eventually why I haven't introduced my friends to my "new girlfriend"; she's not stupid. Also it risks getting very complicated!

 

Of course, a REAL girlfriend would be the ideal solution, but they're not that easy to find at short notice LOL.

 

Then you will have to be a man and tell her. "I love having you as a friend", or, "I'm not interested in us getting any closer". If she is interested and it's not just you fantasising, she might be disappointed but at least she can get on with her life and not live in hope.

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...well maybe send a SAR to the next bird who posts?!?!

 

Tbh, I'm not sure this is the place to ask for relationship advice... if CAGgers worked for the Samaritans, you wouldn't be able to get a barge under Chelsea Bridge for all the bodies jumping off it :D;)

 

CAG can be used for all sorts of advice and help! Plenty of us have loads of life experience - and I like to think that we can be quite objective here on CAG!

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I honestly feel that telling her straight is going to destroy our friendship. Of course, she's going to be upset when she realises anyway, but at least if she thinks I don't know she fancied me, she can maintain some dignity. Think about it: would YOU want to hang around someone who'd just turned you down? I'm trying to avoid getting to that point, so we can stay as friends.

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Nice tightrope you have there!!

 

Women don't take rejection well.

There friends take it even less, once they are aware.

And any women, within a mile, who's business it isn't will also, hate you, for ever!!

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Yeah dammit LOL.

 

And as I'm not the kind of guy women throw themselves at on a regular basis, i don't have much experience in rejecting them. I'm usually grateful for the attention LOL. I did think about having a quiet word with one of her female friends, but as you point out, the first thing they're likely to do is tell every other woman they know what a bastard I am.

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