The Man Rules.

[SOD'EM]

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.

( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear 'the rules'

From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us..

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we...

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings..

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear..

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY.

 

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports.

 

 

 

 

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1 .. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

 

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh...

 

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!

[locutus]

Reminds me of a couple of things that have got me in A LOT of trouble.

 

(please note: I supported all her efforts in losing weight, I baught only healthy foods to eat at home, but she buys chocolate bars etc when she is at work. Then complains that she is overweight, and tells me to stop her eating chocolate, then she bites my head off when I suggest she doesn't buy chocolate in the first place. She used to buy size 18 clothes when she was a size 22, then complain that they don't fit right... so here are a couple of replies that have got me in the dog house.

 

Wife asked if the dress made her bum look big. I replied it's the chocky bars that make your bum look big.

Wife asked how she looked in her new (too small) swimsuit. I replied, if greenpeace are there, and you try climbing out, they'll just keep rolling you back in.

 

 

Since then I've pursuaded her to let me take more control of her diet and stopped her buying chocolate, I buy one green and blacks 70% cocoa a week, and she has a couple of pieces every day or every other day and she no longer buys chocolates, and she eats a packup (that I prepair) rather than at the canteen (where the food is really fatty) she's now down to a size 14

[SOD'EM]

I' will be sending my wife to live with you for a while then Loccy. I will have her back a nice size 10-12 please.

[locutus]

What kick started my missus losing weight was not nice. She had gallstones. If she ate any fat other than extra virgin olive oil, she would immediately be in intense pain. If she ate any meat other than skinless chicken or turkey, she would be writhing in pain within 10 mins, so her diet became 90% fresh veg dishes and 10% chicken / turkey / fish. After the waiting list for the surgery she had lost 3 stone. After the surgery she went back to being able to eat whatever she wanted, and put a stone straight back on. We're both in our mid 30s and in seriousness (which is unlike me) I said that being overweight is linked to all the big killers... cancer, heart attacks and strokes, and NOW was the time to do something. So, by counting calories and controlling portion sizes to put her slightly under her recommended calorific intake, having 2 vegetarian dishes a week (and if it has cheese, using a white crumbly "strong" cheese so I can use less) and her going to exercise classes 2 or 3 times a week, she now loses 1.5 pounds to 3 pounds a week.

 

It is simple maths, less calories in, and more calories burned = weight loss. Once you hit this balance, keep at it

 

 

Another time I got into the dog house. One evening my sister in law was visiting and we don't really get on... she is self centered, always asking for favors and if ever we need anything she is "too busy" and my wife knows I will only tolerate her in small doses. So, After being pleasant for 20 mins, I went off to make a cup of tea for everyone, returned to the living room with theirs and took mine to my computer room. At this point, my wife and sister in law decided to follow me, and trying to engage me in absurd "Jeremy Kyle" style conversations. So, the question they fired at me was "What would upset you more, If my wife left me for another man, or if she left me for another woman?" To which I instantly replied "Well, it all depends, Am I aloud to come along with my video camera?" I was in the dog house, but at least my missus leaves me in peace when I make myself scares when she visits now

[woody1066]

My wife insisted that I take her out to somewhere expensive for our anniversary.

 

 

I took her to a petrol station

[lexis200]

So, the question they fired at me was "What would upset you more, If my wife left me for another man, or if she left me for another woman?" To which I instantly replied "Well, it all depends, Am I aloud to come along with my video camera?" I was in the dog house, but at least my missus leaves me in peace when I make myself scares when she visits now

 

I would have expected that from my hubby, and I'd have thought he was ill if it wasn't an answer along those lines

 

My wife insisted that I take her out to somewhere expensive for our anniversary.

 

 

I took her to a petrol station

 

Love it

 

And Sod'em - the reason we complain about the frickin' loo seat is that you are grown men and should be able to aim in a hole even if it's half an inch in diameter smaller than you're used to! All us ladies know the real reason is that men feel less need to clean the rim than the seat if (when) they miss!

[SOD'EM]

That's my point Lexi. We are very considerate when using the loo, so we lift the seat to avoid ladies getting wet when they go afterwards Iif we have missed).

What consideration do ladies have??????? None. They just sit down, and leave the seat where it is so we then have to lift it up to be considerate again.

[lexis200]

Well clearly I've had it all wrong sod'em, I'm very sorry, and on behalf of all women I should apologise for our complete disregard for your 'consideration' to all us ladies

[Nystagmite]

1 .. You have too many shoes.

 

I had to laugh at this. A male friend of mine owns 50 pairs of running shoes. I own 3 pairs, including a pair for off road. (used for places where it's muddy and more grip is required) The man I get my shoes from, once said I have enough shoes. My friend replied with how as a woman, could I have enough shoes?