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catastrophic relationship event

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hi it's me again. I posted about smoking but I just realized it is a bigger issue behind it.

 

In the last 3 weeks my 20 year old son has become homeless. I got majorly stressed about that. In addition to the intenseness of quitting smoking, this made me a bit depressed and worried as to how to help my son.

 

What was further alarming was that my husband/partner didn't seem to care at all and didn't once ask me how I was feeling or why was I so down. The day came when my son called to let me know he was okay and staying at a friend's place that night and wanted to come by and get different clothes as we let him store some of his gear in our garage.

 

When he came I wanted to feed him after hearing he hadn't eaten in a few days and had no money.

 

My husband became very ignorant and left in the middle of the visit. So of course we argued when he returned later and we haven't been on good terms since. But the thing is, he won't let me open the door to my son.

 

His opinion of him is that he's lazy and deserves what he gets. The fact is he's young and he admits that he put himself in his predicament but I cannot believe that it's not okay to give the guy a meal; and let him take a shower once a week and get clean clothes?

 

So, my partner's relentless reminders that this is his house and not mine have made me very depressed at this point and I can't help wondering how he would react in the future if something else catastrophic happens like with my daughter or granddaughter. I cannot stop thinking that even though I love this man I just can't seem to go further.

 

 

So, I have come to the conclusion to end our relationship and move out. I am probably not thinking clearly, but i can't come to any other end.

 

At 46, I am forced to start over with nothing yet again, not because it isn't going my way, but rather because it doesn't seem to be the right way. I can't believe his compassion is gone. I am not the kind of person to open my door to strangers but always to my children in need. But this week I was forced to tell my son no at a time of great need.

 

This apparently is deal breaker for me.

 

I really need a wave of advice and opinion on this one if anyone wants to share any. Thank you so much. Because maybe I am the one who is wrong here and can't see it.

Edited by citizenB
formatted for easier reading

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Hi lots

 

Welcome to CAG

 

The guys will be happy to advise as soon as they are available.

 

Thread has been moved to the correct forum.


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This is a difficult one but you do say that you love your husband still so i would just ask do you think you could be slightly depressed? going through the change etc and maybe everything is just getting a bit much. Have you asked your husband how he feels about you?

Dont just walk away if there is still arelationship there, but if you do go you will need to see a solicitor about what rights you may have regarding the marital home etc.

No one can really advise on relationship problems without hearing from both parties.

Why did your son become homeless, is he working? has your husband got a point about him being lazy? can you not meet your son away from the house for now?

Is your husbands behaviour out of character? has he got work financial problems?

There are so many questions that seem to need answers, but dont just walk prehapes a few days away might help you, have you seen yor doctor about the depression, and if trying to give up smoking is making it all worse stop trying to give up at the moment

Dont beat yourself up about things look at the positive things as well as the negative.

finally a mum will always worry and want to help her children its natural but if your husband isnt the childrens father he may find it harder to see how you feel.

Sit back take a deep breath and make a list of all the good things as well as the bad things in your life and see what you come up with, your son is an adult prehaps he does need to stand on his own feet for a bit, but i am sure if it was serious your husband wouldnt refuse hom help if he has been ok with him in the past.

Good luck


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Thank you to assisted blonde for replying. Some of what you mention is food for thought. I posted for the reason of getting a second opinion.

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Hey we all have down times and things can so easily get out of hand if you want to just sound off do it here at least we can listen, may not be able to advise sometimes but all I am really saying is dont rush into anything while you are feeling so down, try and find someone to talk to, if you dont know anyone personally call the samaritans they listen, dont advise or judge and they are always there foer anyone who needs to talk.

Glad some of what I said helped a bit, hope it all works out.


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I would put my son first no matter what. I know people will not agree with me and say he is an adult but in times of need if you havent got your parents' support then where do you go?

 

My sons will never go without as long as I am alive and from what you say , in your heart you feel the same. I have turned to my parents for help in my 30s, and they have always been there. I would do the same for my teenage sons. I would definitelty move out and satrt again if I was you and never turn my son away, no man is worth losing your own kids over. ever.

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Never feel guilty for helping your son. Having one is not a contract that ends when the guy/girls turns 18 and like magic our love and responsibility for them has to end. I am a mother and 37 years old and just right now would not be here if it wasn't for my mum's help and support. And she's far far away...assistedblonde is right: the hardest things in life are relationships so probably your husband doesn't know exactly how you feel? follow her advice to try and be objective, but never fail to your instinct.

 

Good luck and I hope your son gets better soon

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