Okay, I get it

[Guest Cartaphilus]

I've spent my whole life, trying to do the right thing, never going out of my way to upset, hurt anyone but boy have I have it back in triplicate. Whether it's been because how my face has looked at school, years of bullying over that to the point of having no flipping self-esteem left, to the point it completely damaged my education. To the point I withdrew, because I knew I would always get picked on, labelled in a very cruel way, then it carried on into work to the point I have never bothered to try and better myself, because what is the point?

 

So, I get it now. I have spent a whole lifetime of deluding myself, expecting fairness because ... No matter what I do, no matter how I am it's always the same.

 

So, let's put this into perspective. I know whatever happens next in this pathetic life of mine will just be exactly like it has been before. More misery, more cruelty. I hide myself away because of it, because of being judged how I look, not because of who I am as a person.

 

Let's talk about abuse? I've had 43 years of it. From family. others who have seen fit to abuse me purely because they assume because of the above that I am 'that kind of person'. Some have no idea when it comes to this kind of thing, they really don't. I've gone back to education, just to prove to people I am an intelligent person. Wasted years of my life then getting a degree out of it. Nothing changed, things were the same as they were before.

 

I have always been a kind, sensitive person and people who know me, REALLY know me in life, those who have bothered to look beyond how I look and see the person they should be seeing ie a human being. It's not nice getting on the bus, public transport being heckled at and called names to the years I have been. It's deeply cruel.

 

I have tried, I really have to be a nice person throughout life but against the odds, against all that above what hope or chance do I have?

 

So, I know what I am going to do next. I know my life is going to remain how it is, it doesn't matter what and I know it won't matter, because trying to change anything doesn't work. It never has. Proving myself to people is a joke. I have done it over and over again. It has got me nowhere. Getting qualifications, many skills ... none of that has mattered. I am but a joke to many people because they take one look at me and start assumings things.

 

Everyone I have gone to to get help, with everything that has gone on these last few years have all let me down. I recognize that I am alone in this world. I am a very symapahetic person to people's problems, despite everything else.

 

But, no, I accept that whatever has led me here is my own fault. I have been devalued as a person for so many years, I no longer want to try and explain or tell anyone about how it's been.

 

Everything has been taken from me. I now know what is coming next will be the ultimate in that direction. I think I am going to walk away from this silly life of mine, that doesn't make any sense. I have been thinking about it for a while, I tried before but I was dragged back to it.

 

I cannot any longer prevent what I know is coming with my debts, but that's the least of the problem in comparison with the rest. I have made myself a recluse because of the treatment I have faced until now. Hidden away. Then all what comes with that as well. How can anyone live this way?

 

I've got to escape it. I cannot be the person I should be living my life the way it's been lived for so many years, so many decades. Being a good person has led me nowhere, instead it's led to my destruction and own personal imprisonment. Afraid to let people know me, see the good inside me. I feel as if I am in darkness all the time. But I never put myself in it.

 

I can't make sense, I have really taken enough and when I have gone to get justice, gone to get things sorted out it's been me who has been the worst off. I have always been honest throughout life, I don't know any other way to be.

 

What is there left. I know my debt situation is going to get worse, like everything else does. It always does. Can't prevent it, so I must accept that I have driven myself into this silly, stupid place. Regardless whether I know, and others who know me, what's gone on know I have been driven into this place/state because of that.

 

I have to give in to inevitability, and run away again. It's all I can do. I am not worth it. I choose to do this. I choose to run away. I must. Nothing works for this life anymore. It never has. It's been broken for years. I can't mend it. Whatever redemption I am trying to get to, I know it will never be there for me. It seems I have to sacrifice things time and time again. Christmas will be spent on my own again, like before. I have given so much of myself to people, never expected anything back but ... sometimes. Just that once.

 

So, I will follow my own advice and move on. I've go to do this, I will face things on my own, deal with them as always. I know I am not making sense to anyone anymore, but please just allow me this one, self respectful thing. I want to leave everything behind, move on. I can do no more.

 

This is not one of those messages BTW, but a lot of thinking about what I will do with the rest of my life. I can't change it, so I must change the course of it. The only way I know to do that is to remove myself from the present situation like where I am living. It's taken a lot of thought over getting here but I have been subconsciously doing it anyway for months. I have to let go completely of everything to survive what I know is coming in my own future. Tired, sick of paying rent, the grind of things. Of having to live in this way. Things are already nomadic, I guess this is the point where you truly become one.

[dragonkeeper]

 

 

Cartaphilus I only know you by what you said on Cag.

 

All your input has been relavent and useful

 

You even had 'A' "Eureka Moment" a couple of days ago

 

Believe in yourself

 

Be yourself

 

 

regards

Bill

 

dk

[SOD'EM]

Yes (and I hope you don't take this the wrong way), but look at Susan Boyle. She was practically laughed off the stage when she first came on the scene. Who's laughing now?

I have read every thread while you have been feeling like this Cartaphilus with interest. And I will have to say again "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH". It would do you no harm whatsoever to go and talk to your GP. You are a valuable member of the CAG. You seem to have fought this for 43 years, Heavyweight boxers can only last 12 rounds. Keep going. It may not get better, but I can't see it getting any worse. There is only just over a month for a completely brand new year.

[babybear39]

Cart, stop being the victim and start controlling your life...

[Bona]

In this life some people get it rougher than others, NO One nd I mean NO one has a klfe free off traumer unhapiness and stress , every one goes through good patches and bad patches and life is what you can gain from it and ow you can change it . You can always look on the side of being hard done by take control.

Take care