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am here to sound off if you don't mind, if anyone has any experience or advice i'd be most grateful. (sorry its long!) My husband has a son of 12 with ex wife and up until recently everything had been going fine, hubby picking him up every other weekend and we would have him here, take him away every year for a 2 week holiday and have him during school hols etc... we went away in june to france and took hubbys son, he decided to pay one weeks less maintenance as we had him for 2 weeks (I don't take maintenance from my ex hubby if he has them when he or I takes our kids away).

 

Since then she has contacted the csa and he now has to pay through them, although she has lied about the amount of time hubby sees son so he has to pay more. Since then hubby has phoned his son arranging to pick him up and spoke to him and then his mum came on phone to say he was upset and doesn't want to see him.

 

My hubby is naturally upset, he wants to see his son and it seems his mum is poisoining him. Don't know where to go from here, solicitor seems the next step though we don't have endless mountains of money and also not sure if his son will want to see his dad after the lies his mother has said.

 

I'm so annoyed as my hubby is a good dad, he picks up and drops off his son when he has him, a total of 300 miles round trip, he's part of this family and included in everything with us and now it seems she has turned him against us.

 

Sorry for the long rant but if anyone has any advice I would so appreciate it.

 

Tigger x

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Hi tigger..... it was not that long a rant, there are bigger ones as I am sure you know!!

 

What a tricky situation. I am at a loss as to what to suggest as all roads will lead to confrontation. Perhaps your husband should be thinking the long view with his son. I am assuming he wants at some stage to have a ongoing relationship with him and this is being hampered by his ex. Perhaps there is nothing much he can do at this stage but to take the punches. Children are inevitably the punch bag and my brother in law has had a similar situation to deal with (although his son is now 20)

 

His son may not understand the to aand fro of the parental battle now, at the tender age of 12, but when he goes out into the world at 18 or 20 and understands the problems of adulthood he may be more amenable to understanding the current (and past) problems.

 

What I am suggesting is a diary, a catalogue of evidence, tapes, photos, legal papers, (your get the idea) of the battle your husband has had to secure the relationship. he could and should only present iot when the son is of an age to appreciate what Dad did to try and keep his son close to him.

 

It is going to be an uphill struggle but maybe the situation can be retrieved in the years to come.

 

send him my regards and hope it works out.

 

hey you might want to post ocassionally on this thread to keep us all updated on events and of course to sound off to willing ears!!

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Contact your local Children Schools and Families Department (CSF) explain the situation and they should give you helpful guidance even hands on help. Google the title with your area.

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Kids are very intelligent at 12. His son will be aware of the efforts his dad is making and a good time to discuss the situation will be the next visit. To be honest if the paying one week less maintanence was discussed prior to him not paying it I could understand, it seems the problem is more it was just done that way without informing his ex. She having the main residence the children live at could be relying on this regular income and not prepared on that occassion or month to cope with one week less, after all the only savings the mum would have made would have been a little food. She still would have had to pay all normal bills, you see.

 

You have a good relationshipe understanding not to pay said maintanence with your ex when have kids on holidays, did you discuss that in advance, or if not, it works for you good. Trouble is involving kids its always better to make sure all know where they stand in advance then the children do not pick up on any upset either end.

 

ps. I am assuming he didnt warn her of course, if he did then it would be very sneaky to agree and then march to csa xx

Edited by loopinlouie

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With all respect, you are adding 2 + 2 and possibly coming up with 5. You are assuming the maintenance issues/CSA/son's reluctance to see dad are all related.

 

The lad is 12. Puberty is approaching fast, if not already setting in. There could be dozens of reasons why he doesn't want to see his dad right now, many of them which would have nothing to do with his mum's supposed interference.

 

All your hubby can do is say to him: "look it's up to you. If you want to see me and spend time with us, that's great and we would like that very much. If you don't and would rather be doing things with your mates instead, I'll be disappointed, but I understand too, and hope you will change your mind soon and want to enjoy seeing us the way we always enjoy having you", and that's about it, as anything else is likely to be highly counter-productive.

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I am not suggesting that the 12 year old is not intelligent, only that he develops the emotional maturity to be objective in a highly charged and potentially no win situation for him. It is difficult steering a neutral path when their are children involved.

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I am in no way linking the child not wanting to see father with the money issue, make that clear. Stating kiddy intelligent was a compliment based on my own two children and their dealings with their dad now back on scene and myself. I made it quite clear i was assuming the mother was not informed of the reduction in maintanence and that is why went to csa and that if was informed a little sneaky to go down that route.

 

There are many of us dealing with similar situations and my son also is going through puberty, he made a statement to his dad jokingly and dad said thats your mothers humour sarcastically, my son knew to take it with pinch of salt and best not say anything, after all not worth it and he was right, therefore I say intelligent an in no way have implied your children are anything other than that.

 

Did you and partner inform her in advance there was any alteration to amount of money she would get? I am no way digging at you and you will get full support here.

 

I have had to deal with attempting to introduce my children back to dad after ten years of him not caring less. My ex asked me to lie to csa and say didnt know who dad was and when I said you are on birth certificates and it would be lying he turned adn called me a bi***, You see at that time csa if lone parent and on income support required you to give the details to extent they turned up at house to get them. My ex then decided to be nasty and say they wernt his and I said unless imacculate conception they would be no one elses as I was housebound for a start. You see it only got nasty when he had to start paying and then his new partner became abusive to extent of police involvement and tapped phone line etc......It turned out the new partner was also supposedly not well mentally and destressed she couldnt have her own kids and apparnatly she had got the picture due to my illness she would become dear old mummy and I would end up wherever I suppose, she was wrong and obviously in her case had a screw lose and had to be warned off officially.

 

Now due to her behaviour an exes behaviour knowing she was doing it and not stopping her it turned out and nastiness over csa which was not my fault it was best to leave things alone.

 

My kids came to me and started to ask questions and I decided to contact him on proviso his new partner is kept away as in days out or visits to grandparents etc, but no second home etc...I couldnt trust her and in any case social services said they would want to get involved if she came on the scene as they had their own concerns about the prevouse violence of ex and her behaviour.

 

Anyhow to cut a long story short kids now can happily declare they love their dad and cant wait for their visits and he appears to have matured himself, dad that is xx. My son was only a toddler but clearly remembers a woman after me giving birth to his sister on a day out being introduced by my ex to a woman who asked him to call her his mummy. Guess who that was?

 

Anyhow my son has a good memory and knows within limits he can build a good relationship bit by bit with dad and then when old enough to decided for himself wether he wants to tackle or to be nicer meet his dads new partner he can fully armed and wise, but it will be his descision as he will be mature enough to make his own mind up.

 

Me saying kids are intelligent in no way meant yours wernt, I know how you feel, must be awkward with the csa demanding so much money, my ex pays over 500.00 a month to csa, so I at least make the kids know where the money in the house comes from. He had a new bike last week and he was able when met his dad to say thank you so his dad knew he was being appreciated.

 

Best wishes and forgive my long story, but I even being me, see both sides and dont jump to conclusions, your doing the best you can and can always approach and gain visitation by legal means when needed, lets hope she sees sence and it doesnt come to that. Best wishes xx:-)

Edited by loopinlouie

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I also know not all new partners are like the one I have to be wary of, its not a bad thing having two maternal figures when treat as part of the family, so dont think I have a bee with her moving in. She did me a favor xxx:lol:

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Don't suppose you have mixed up me with the OP??

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Could have done knowing me:lol:

 

But in anycase I am on everybodies side and no way meaning to have a digg xx :)

 

Take whatever bit is relavant in any case xxxx

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my husbands second wife is always tryin to talk about maintenance issues with me no offence but to me its not her buisness we had 4 kids before he met her and i wont discuss finances with her.. its him im asking for help not her, there was only him and me in the bed when we concieved our kids so she should butt out i say.. no offence just ranting my own experience

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I think it's up to the ex partners to discuss it with each other. It's up to your ex to discuss it with you, and to discuss it with her. I have seen many times the ex not wanting to discuss things though and it ends up being their current partner who has no choice but to try and discuss things, as many times someone has to. A friend of mine who recently married, her husband has kids from previous relationship. His ex has been taking the p*** for a long time, expecting him to pay for everything, not just his fair do's, but really taking the mick, he is paying for her very nice lifestyle not just the kids. They really cannot afford to do this. He is too soft to say anything, would rather pay and end up in debt than confront her, but as it's now coming out of their joint pot that my friend is also working for, working hard for, she obviously wants the ammounts to be reduced to a reasonable ammount. I hope she doesn't have to get involved, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has to. Regardless of if it is paying too much or not enough, in an ideal world it should be discussed between the ex's.

 

P.S. I was using just one of many examples of why sometimes the new spouse may have to get involved. I acknowledge that you also get some who make it their business to 'stick their nose in' when there is no need, other than to inflame the situation.

Edited by Mungypup

Mungy Pup

 

I want to live in a world where chickens are free to cross the road without their intentions being questioned. :razz:

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my husband had our children way before his new partner came along.. im asking him to pay not her our children are his responsability ive never asked her to get involved.. the children are mine and his and as far as im concerned not hers... he would have to pay for his kids regardless of wether he was with a partner or not and if she chooses to be with a man with children then thats her problem not mine.. sorry to be blunt or hope i dont offend anyone but thats my feelings..

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Thankyou all for your replies, I appreciate it is a very emotive subject and lots of people have their own good and bad experiences as I myself do, my ex husband has been a **** when it's come to our kids when we first split but I persisted because I want my children to have a relationship with their dad which happily they do now.

 

Things are no better with my new hubbys son, he still hasnt heard from him, after the last time he spoke to him on the phone (3 weeks ago) and his mum said he was upset when asked if he wanted to come to our house at the weekend as usual, my husband text him (via his mum) saying he didnt want to upset him and that he wouldnt call again if he would get upset but he knew how to get in touch with his dad if he wanted to see him or talk, he hasnt heard anything from him, not sure if his mum has even shown him the text.

 

Not sure where to go from here, all my hubby wants is to find out from his son if he wants to see his dad, but he cant speak to him without his mum interfering, does he send a letter (but chances are if she doesnt want him to have it then he wont), meet him from school to speak to him or get other parties involved (not sure who)?

 

I'm not being an interfering stepmother......i'm simply trying to help my husband, I agree it is ultimately for him and his ex to sort out.

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How about a letter care of the school?

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We have sent a letter to the headmaster asking if they have any concerns and my husband is thinking of meeting with the headmaster and asking whilst he is there to spend 5 mins with his son, he is thinking of sending a signed for letter to his son at home but not sure how successful that will be. Thanks for replying.

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