Jump to content


Please note that this topic has not had any new posts for the last 3774 days.

If you are trying to post a different story then you should start your own new thread. Posting on this thread is likely to mean that you won't get the help and advice that you need.

If you are trying to post information which is relevant to the story in this thread then please flag it up to the site team and they will allow you to post.

Thank you

Recommended Posts

Hello all

 

I am new to the forum and hope that someone can lend me a shoulder to snivel on for a few minutes. I am truly getting to the end of my will to live and I will explain why. I must stress that I am NOT suicidal, just at the point where I think a weaker person could end it all.

 

I am a married man of 48. I have been married for 21 years this year. I have one child, a son of 17. I have varuous diabilities, mainly arthritis of my back but I also have had surgery on my right arm last year, am partially deaf in one ear, now have siatica in my right leg and I also have Aspergers syndrome. And yes, this is genuine.

 

I receive the higher rate of mobility componnet DLA and have done for the past 9 years. I am a blue badge holder and again have been for 9 years. I am in constant pain and haven't had a proper job in 10 years. I have tried self employment for the past 8 as various things, none of which has succeeded and I must say that in no small part is due to the complete lack of support I received from my wife. She is the sort of person that you could spend 6 months making an beautiful masterpiece painting and she would say 'Mmm, thats nice dear'. Or more realsitically she would ask where we are going to keep it!

 

My son, is a very bright lad and has just finished his A levels at college. He has decided to take a gap year before going to univesity on the premise that he gets a job and saves up for some travelling later this year or early next. The job hunting is non existent! He is lazy beyond belief. At his age I had been working for 2 years. he has never even had a paper round and my wife gives him £20 a week, no matter what. He does absolutely nothing to earn it and doesn't think at all.

 

Now, I hate waving the 'I am an invalid' flag, but I have to here. I have to do everything. He won't even take the bins out for the dustman or walk the dog. He has never cleaned the car, cut the grass, washed the windows. He cannot even clean his room or wash the dishes.

 

Tonight this all came to a head when I told him to wash up after we had dinner. I found him 5 mintes later in his room. I asked why he had not washed the dishes and his reply was that 'I will do them later'. I have heard this enough in the past, so I put my foot down and said 'you will do them now'. He argued back that he is busy and will do them later, claiming that he is online looking for a job - the irony of it all.

 

My wife then told me to 'stop commanding' him. Talk about undermine, and then washed the dishes herself.

 

I am really fed up with it. I love my wife and son with all my heart, but I am genuinely at boiling point. My wife is not helping me or my son by interfering. She undermines me at every oportunity and never supports my ambitions for anything at all.

 

I think that is all I want to say. I am not after sympathy. I am the sort that will drag myself around by one fingernail if that is all I have, and will still manage to do everything. I am only after the sort of help that any dad would expect, I think contribution is the word here. I am truly disgusted that my 17 year old son would defy me in every way and not think about his struggling dad one bit.

 

I am in tears writing this and would be grateful for any replies no matter how they may see me. If it makes me laugh at the end, the better. But as I said at the start, I can genuinely see how some would literally have given up wanting to live. I am desperately unhappy and I do mean desperately.

 

Thanks for reading

DD

Link to post
Share on other sites

DD - you are not alone - so many others are going through the same thing.

 

That is important - you are not odd, or bad, or anything else that you may be beating yourself up with.

 

You are depressed and feel your wife and son are not seeing you as you really are.

 

First up, have you talked to your doc? I mean book an appointment and really let it all out. AND - get them to do a revision of your painkillers and other meds.

 

Ask for advice and where to go for support.

 

As for the household / garden stuff, leave it if you can - but make sure you equally don't lift a finger so that will leave your wife to take stock of what is going on.

 

How brave are you? Fancy some radical approaches?

 

Before tomorrow's meal, put a contract in front of your son that he agrees to xxx, yyy, zzz there and then and he has to sign it.

 

He refuses to sign - take his meal and tip it in the bin!

 

Awful? Yep! Get the point across? Definitely - no help given around the house, no free-wheeling.

 

OK - so that is really too radical and awful, but the thought may hopefully have brought a wry evil grin for a few minutes.

 

More seriiously, try to stop controlling the situation - and find a way to get out - even if only for a few hours a day. Do you have anyone you could go out with so you have someone else to chat about 'ordinary things'? What about any voluntary work, are you allowed to do that? If so, you must have so much you can offer with all your experiences.

 

I know what it's like with arthritis in the spine, hip and knees, the pain can be horrendous. But I'm damned if that's going to stop me walking, even when I end up like something out of Hammer House of Horrors, dragging my manky leg behind because the effin thing won't move forward as normal.

 

 

Next, try to have a talk with your wife - I mean a really good, no finger-pointing talk - and be prepared to listen but be firm in that she needs to listen to you too and not make excuses for your son or for herself.

 

and be prepared to listen.

 

 

and be prepared to listen.

 

 

Your wife may be trying to act as the buffer between your son and you to keep the peace. Maybe she can see that it's no fun for your son either - it's a very demoralising situation out there for everyone who has no job. You say you love him, but you're also disgusted that he defies you.

 

That's kids - what were you like at that age? There is a rite of passage that means they become truly awful at some point and just seem to get worse.

 

BUT - when did you two last have a chat about shared interests?

 

Could you put aside your anger for long enough to ask him what he feels like and then ask him to listen to you about how you feel?

 

How you handle this time can make a huge difference to how long it goes on for and how it eventually transforms.

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh - and - join some forums for people with Asperger's - get connected with people who understand what it's like to be you.

 

Here are a couple of websites that may help just to take your mind of stuff that's bogging you down:

 

Asperger and ASD UK Online Forum (Powered by Invision Power Board)

 

Asperger's Syndrome Forum

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Funny old world - just picked this up from thoughtful emails I receive:

 

Trying to change someone is a waste of time. The very thought of changing someone is saying that they are not good enough as they are, and it is soaked with judgment and disapproval. That is not a thought of appreciation or love, and those thoughts will only bring separation between you and that person.

 

You must look for the good in people to have more of it appear. As you look only for the good things in a person, you will be amazed at what your new focus reveals.

 

byRhonda Byrne

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear DesperateDad,

 

Welcome to life with a teenager! :-)

 

It may be that because of your AS, you see things so in black and white, there are no shades of grey, but let me reassure you that whatever you are going through is nothing unusual and what pretty much most parents nowadays would describe.

 

My soon to be 19 yo is exactly the same, and if I started listing the number of people who would tell you the same, we would be here all night.

 

I know it is the hardest thing not to obsess about, but truthfully, all you can do is hope that he grows out of it, sooner or later. Accept that he's not going to change his ways now for you, but maybe he will when he's out and living by himself. My daughter was an absolute nightmare, but now she's moved out and is living abroad, she has really picked herself up, it's quite amazing really. :-)

 

As for your wife, maybe she doesn't even see it as a problem... And I wouldn't think she is doing this to undermine you deliberately, maybe she's doing it to avoid tensions in the house and would have peace before everything else. The thing is, maybe she has been living with you for so long that she has forgotten that you can't read her mind and that she needs to communicate with you more so there can be no misunderstanding.

 

I suggest that you choose a moment where it's only the 2 of you in the house, when you are both relaxed and that you have a conversation, that you tell her how belittled you feel when she -apparently- undermines you, and ask her she would feel if you were to do something like that to her.

Communication in a couple is key, but with an AS 1/2 of the couple, it tends to be even more fraught, and it's probably difficult for her to "read" you properly, as it probably is for you to "read" her, and that's why an open, non-hostile dialogue would be a good idea. :-)

 

Take care. :-)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the input both of you.

 

Having a quiet chat with my wife is not an option. I don't think you understand the level of underming I am talking about. Yesterdays incident, as far as she is concerned, is because my son is being lazy 'like you', in her eyes I should be the breadwinner. A little difficult if you are self employed and get no support at all from your wife. Even to the point of when the phone did ring, she will not answer it. It is also difficult as most in this section will know, to get jobs elsewhere as most companies - whether we like it or not - do not want to employ disabled people. Some do and will, but most don't and won't.

 

The choice of having a chat or not bothering is an easy one. I will take the second option. Believe me, it is the most peaceful option there is. You are correct in that I do see things as right or wrong, black or white, yes or no. My son seems to almost enjoy prodding me by anchoring his behaviour around that very point. He is very indecisive, very cavalier. He is thoughtless though, the last two years he hasn't even remembered my his mum's birthday!

 

This is not all about my son, clearly. It is about my wife and probably mostly about me. I find it so depressing when I build myself up to trying a new direction. I see hope, possibilities, future. My wife will then knock me down flat with 'you never try anything long enough' or 'why don't you stick to.....' She may well be right, but it doesn't help me at all.

 

The AS is something I have obviously always had although I didn't know until recently. It made a whole load of things make sense suddenly. Almost like finding something I din't know I had lost. But the other physical problems are newish and for someone who was so physically active all my life I find them difficult to deal with. My pain is not immense most the time, just constant and I do mean constant.

 

Oh well, another day. I know how it will go now for a couple of weeks, with an 'atmosphere' in the house which is something I most dislike.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the input both of you.

 

Having a quiet chat with my wife is not an option. I don't think you understand the level of underming I am talking about. Yesterdays incident, as far as she is concerned, is because my son is being lazy 'like you', in her eyes I should be the breadwinner. A little difficult if you are self employed and get no support at all from your wife. Even to the point of when the phone did ring, she will not answer it. It is also difficult as most in this section will know, to get jobs elsewhere as most companies - whether we like it or not - do not want to employ disabled people. Some do and will, but most don't and won't.

 

The choice of having a chat or not bothering is an easy one. I will take the second option. Believe me, it is the most peaceful option there is. You are correct in that I do see things as right or wrong, black or white, yes or no. My son seems to almost enjoy prodding me by anchoring his behaviour around that very point. He is very indecisive, very cavalier. He is thoughtless though, the last two years he hasn't even remembered my his mum's birthday!

 

This is not all about my son, clearly. It is about my wife and probably mostly about me. I find it so depressing when I build myself up to trying a new direction. I see hope, possibilities, future. My wife will then knock me down flat with 'you never try anything long enough' or 'why don't you stick to.....' She may well be right, but it doesn't help me at all.

 

The AS is something I have obviously always had although I didn't know until recently. It made a whole load of things make sense suddenly. Almost like finding something I din't know I had lost. But the other physical problems are newish and for someone who was so physically active all my life I find them difficult to deal with. My pain is not immense most the time, just constant and I do mean constant.

 

Oh well, another day. I know how it will go now for a couple of weeks, with an 'atmosphere' in the house which is something I most dislike.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If it was me, I would threaten to move out and actually do it..

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi desperatedad

 

I understand your situation. O.K. how about a cunning plan.

Is it possible to send your wife on a holiday, to relatives, so shes away for a week or two. All you need to say to her is 'Darling we'll be fine'.

You and your son will be alone, left to cope. For the period your wife is away, do nothing. For your son it will be swim or sink time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi desperatedad

 

I understand your situation. O.K. how about a cunning plan.

Is it possible to send your wife on a holiday, to relatives, so shes away for a week or two. All you need to say to her is 'Darling we'll be fine'.

You and your son will be alone, left to cope. For the period your wife is away, do nothing. For your son it will be swim or sink time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I like that idea..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Oddly enough, that is exactly what I said last night. I really have had enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well there you go, I would just have it out once and for all, beause if your not getting any respect then your better off on your own and with your various conditions ironically you could be offered more help from the government..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi desperatedad

 

I understand your situation. O.K. how about a cunning plan.

Is it possible to send your wife on a holiday, to relatives, so shes away for a week or two. All you need to say to her is 'Darling we'll be fine'.

You and your son will be alone, left to cope. For the period your wife is away, do nothing. For your son it will be swim or sink time.

 

Well, we have been there and done that. Last year my wife had to go abroad for a funeral. She stayed for two weeks with family and so I tried just that. My son made his own meals (pot noodles basically) and by the end of the week there was a huge pile of his dishes and glasses. Having run out of dishes etc, he would then rince one for immediate use and then put it back in the 'pending' pile until the next time.

 

When his clothes ran out, he would either wear them dirty or just moap around in a towel or dressing gown.

 

I know I come from a different generation, but I am not asking for something ridiculous. I don't command respect, although i do expect a degree of civility. He gets up in the morning and doesn't even bother saying 'good morning or anything'. If I try to break the ice with 'morning' I will get an 'Ugh' if I am lucky.

 

Young, dumb and living off Mum is a programme I only recently discovered and I watched it thinking 'yep, that is the same as my son'. Lazy, lazy and lazy.

 

Hopefully he will grow out of it. My Father joined the merchant navy at 13. I started my apprenticeship at 15 and worked hard for teh first 25 years of my working life. I do realise jobs are not 10 to the dozen these days, but heck there is no effort on his part at all.

 

The problem is in my eyes my wife spoiling him. That is my own tunnel vision of course and I am sure living with me isn't easy either. I love my wife and my son with all my heart, but if things don't change I have to do something for me now. I have given all I can for 17 years for him. We even moved twice to get him into a good(ish) primary school and secondary school. I don't regret that for a second as it has given him the start in life I didn't get. But whilst I realise that one day he will change and be responsible, at the moment I find it so hard. This comes back to the 'black and white' thing with AS. All he had to do was wash the sodding dishes. itv would have taken 5 minutes at most. Instead I get confronted by him when I ask why he hasn't done it with 'First of all......' and ' I said I will do........' or ' Stop nagging me.......'. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr:-x

 

ps... I can see the funny side I think, but it still doesn't make me laugh.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi I haven't got any children so I will leave that problem to the experts! To get some self esteem back have you tried doing voluntary work? Is there a local disability organisation near you? I'm not talking about the 'lets help the disabled' type charities but the more robust campaigning organisations. Is there a local access group who campaign for better access for disabled people. If you become a volunteer this might lead to paid employment within that organisation but it also looks good if you go for other jobs outside that organisation. I'm sure by meeting other people and becoming a valued colleague this will help your self esteem etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Again,

 

Have you got any hobbies or crafts that you could maybe start a small business and fully emerse yourself in 100%. I think the problem is that your having to focus in on the negatives.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi desperatedad... :)

 

Your son's behaviour is very normal "Kevin & Perry" type stuff for his age unfortunately... and your description of him fits in very nicely with with my friend's boy and with my nephews as well. My sister has brought up 4 boys and been through some right scenarios with hers but the bottom line seems to be taking a tough stand if you want things to change.

 

It sounds as if your son is taking his life at home for granted.... and your wife is supporting this in her own way. So, the option you both need to put in front of him is that if he continues the way he is, then he needs to find somewhere else to live. Without support from your wife however, this won't work.

 

So, this brings us to the 2nd issue; your marriage. You have three choices with this; either work to sort things out between you, carry on as you are with things staying as they are, or make plans to leave. You need to decide which path you want to go down before taking advice because the foundations are important to any advice working. If you take no decision, then you will stay in option 2 anyway. A difficult decision for you but one that's important to face so that you can all move forward; either seperately or as a family.

 

As an aside from all of this for a moment, a (male) friend of mine once dished his sons' dinner up on the table itself and when his wife and 2 sons all recoiled in horror.... said that until they started washing the plates up, they'd have to get used to eating dinner without plates or cutlery!!

 

:)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hi Again,

 

Have you got any hobbies or crafts that you could maybe start a small business and fully emerse yourself in 100%. I think the problem is that your having to focus in on the negatives.

 

I did have. I had all the enthusiam in me killed off by my wife's lack of support, encouragement and her actual obstruction over the last 10 years.

 

I mentiond above that she wouldn't answer the business phone which meant I missed calls as I was unable to reach it in time - people don't leave messages these days, they just shop elsewhere. I started a small ebay company and had couriers bringing m,y supplies to the house as well as others collecting. deliveries were frequently not completed because again she would not answer the door, meaning a card left and no goods, which meant I couldn't sell the stuff.

 

This is all starting to make me look at my marriage being over. I find that the hardest part to take in. I am so used to my surroundings, I feel enormous fear and worry over leaving it. But I think deep down I know I have no real choice. It is almost like battered wives who say they still love their violent husbands. I am not suggesting that is the case here, but it is that same attachment.

 

My son will grow up. Probably quicker than ever once I go. I noticed this morning that neither my wife nor my son is speaking with me. They are all chatty with each other, almost as if to say 'see, we get along just fine'. And of course my son is being very helpful towards her today.

 

Well, I need to move on and make the most of the rest of my life I think now.

 

Thanks to all who offered support. I think i probably knew the answer all along. It doesn't make the next step any easier or even possible for me right now though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

:cool:i knew a couple just like that, the wife was very insecure because of things that had happened in her past, and an inferiority complex, so whatever husband did, would down him on everything and ridicule, instead of praise or encourage, trouble is they are negative in their thinking, you are positive in yours, seems the very same picture they were in, son spoilt, very clever, but now it is all too late for them, he passed away looking after her, as she was ill for many years, she then passed away a few years later, and the son moved away after his father passed away, he was only 16 at the time.

life is so precious and so short, if you were my spouse i would only praise and help you, but then i am a positive person, the answer, a wise man said once to someone i knew very well, things have a way of sorting themselves out, trouble is while they do your precious life is ticking away unhappily, the other thing you might like to try is a marriage guidance councillor, i was going to be one, but the fee to set up was £6,000

for the course, it depends on how you feel, but the talking is paramount

and does your son have any hobbies, maybe get him involved in a hobby ask him what is he interested in, that would give him motivation, and an interest in life, and more time for you and your spouse to sort things out, also a good place to get away and get peace is the library, some spend all day there, either on a computer there, or just reading, very peaceful,

give you at least chance to think, hope this helps, god bless, you can do anything you want, and keep the confidence in yourself, you have done nothing wrong.:lol:

Edited by totiesquoties
word adjustment

:p[sIGPIC][/sIGPIC]

totiesquoties

 

MY ADVICE IS BASED ON COMMON SENSE AND KNOWLEDGE FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, I AM NOT LEGALLY TRAINED, AND ALWAYS CHECK LEGAL ISSUES EITHER WITH A LEGAL PERSON, OR

THE APPROPRIATE LEGISLATION. :rolleyes:

IF I HAVE HELPED, PLEASE PRESS MY STAR, THANK YOU.:lol:

Link to post
Share on other sites

DDd - how long have you known about having Aspergers and who assessed you?

 

If nothing else, try talking to the National Autistic Society because they have excellent advisors who may be able to give you more help than you realise.

 

Talk to your local MIND - get support before you take any further steps.

 

Very often, when adults are diagnosed with a disorder or health issue, temporary or permanent, the family do not want to know about it because it means they have to re-evaluate their own behaviour and perceptions.

 

There is no answer to how to tackle this because it's not you that can change them. The support from others however may help them realise they need to change.

 

For example, having a supporter coming to visit you in your home - then it makes the issue more 'real'.

 

Try and ask around first before you do anything else to get support - for whatever your next steps will be - get supported.

  • Haha 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello DD

 

I'm glad you have found us here so that hopefully you no longer feel quite so alone.

 

By the sounds of it you have a bit of a battle on your hands. I'm not sure that anything you say to either your wife or your son will do much good as your wife obviously has no intentions of getting her precious baby to do anything and will, therefore, not back you up. He feels he doesn't have to lift a finger because mum will always be there to do it for him.

 

I wish parents like her could see the damage they are doing to their children by treating them like they don't have to do anything. They become spoilt, lazy and arrogant and lead the rest of their lives genuinely believing that the world revolves around them and that they have no responsibilty for anything. If anything goes wrong then it is always the fault of someone else, and sometimes they will even turn on the parent who has let them grow up like this because that is the last person they have to blame for everything.

 

I work with teenagers and see this so often. Once children are given responsibility and are supported, they grow and become independent, responsible adults. Your son would appear to have no hope of this ever happening to him and I suspect that it is a sub-concious action on behalf of your wife who is probably scared of him growing up and away from her. I know how she feels in many ways as I am on my own and don't really want my children to leave me, but maybe because I am aware of feeling like that, I try to help my children become people who can stand on their own two feet.

 

I think that you now have to look after yourself first, and your wife and son second. That might sound an awful thing to do, but it isn't. Your son is nearly legally an adult and your wife obviously offers no support, other than to her son to allow him to remain a child.

 

Take the lead and make time for yourself. You are right about making the most of your life, and in your current situation neither of the people you are living with are going to let you do that. If you are worried that you will be seen as the one in the wrong if you leave, then maybe you can forge yourself a seperate life from them whilst staying in the family home. If they choose not to talk to you then make no effort to talk to them. If you do something outside of the home, don't tell them anything about it. Once they realise that you are getting on with your own life, I suspect that as with most 'bullies' they will realise you aren't bothered by them (even if you are!)

 

I do appreciate that with Aspergers you may have problems with socialising, but perhaps you could find a club locally that offers the chance to do something a bit different. Where I live, the local college offers free courses to people with mental health problems, such as computer courses, ceramics, tai-chi and even gardening. Some courses are a couple of weeks, others run for a whole term, but they are a positive way of getting out of the house and learning a new skill. I had to have a referal from my doctor, but it was a way of me putting myself in the right direction and I soon got a permanent job.

 

Another option is voluntary work. Charity shops are often on the look out for good workers, so you could volunteer a couple of days a week. Ok, you don't get paid, but it is another step you building up your confidence.

 

I hope I haven't waffled on too much! I wish you all the best in sorting out your life, as you really do seem to want to do it. Despite your disabilities I think you will eventually sort things out. I think you are brave for making the first step by coming on here, and with the ideas people have given and will give you, you will make the right steps.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Very often, when adults are diagnosed with a disorder or health issue, temporary or permanent, the family do not want to know about it because it means they have to re-evaluate their own behaviour and perceptions.

 

 

Absolutely spot on. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Recently Browsing   0 Caggers

    No registered users viewing this page.


  • Have we helped you ...?


×
×
  • Create New...