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DEPRESSED MAN DIAGNOSED AS "SCOTTISH"

Alistair McGregor, an expatriate Scottish man living in America, was

recently diagnosed as clinically depressed,

tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock

Therapy when doctors realized he wasn't depressed at all

.............only Scottish.

Mr. McGregor, a Scottish man whose characteristic pessimism and gloom

perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression,

was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.

Doctors described McGregor as suffering from Pervasive Negative

Anticipation -

a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains

arriving late, Scotland's chances at winning any international sports event

,

or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

"The satisfaction Mr. McGregor got from his pessimism seemed particularly

pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort,Ginseng", said

Mr. McGregor."

They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd

become suicidal.

I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was

exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of "weapons

grade MDMA"(Ecstasy),

the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of

the phrases

"mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really".

It was then that Mr. McGregor was referred to a psychotherapist.

"Suicidal?"

Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr.McGregor's family history and couldn't believe

his ears.

"His story of a childhood growing up in the drab back streets of a

windswept grey town with treeless streets of identical

run-down houses where it rained every day, passionately backing a football

team who never won,

seemed to be an idealized depressive memory--I thought all that was a

myth..."

Mr. McGregor had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk

about the weather -

how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and wet it

was in summer.

I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all, and so I recommended drastic

action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber

bit in my mouth

when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr.McGregor.

"I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible

mistake'.

" Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of Scottish comedy, giving her an

understanding of the Scottish psyche.

"Classic comedy characters like Chic Murray, Will Fife, and The Crankies,

all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their

circumstances,"

she explained to the baffled US medics. "In Scotland, being depressed to

the point of suicidal is considered the norm

and is not seen as pathological at all.

" Identifying Mr. McGregor as Scottish changed his diagnosis from 'clinical

depression' to 'rather quaint and charming',

and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of

brightly colored leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

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