Kids! Who in their right mind would have them?

[MONX]

My darling daughter who has already had a DCA letter at the tender age of 18 has now gone against my wishes and got a Dorothy Perkins store card.

 

When she first mentioned it we discussed it like adults, I explained that the interest charged on them was astronomical and that using the cards could become a habit that grows and she could find herself spiralling out of control because its is to easy to aquire/use the cards.

 

I explained that although a lot of people are in debt, to be in debt is still a social stigma and poeple tend to be judgemental. I reminded her of my problems with debt and asked her if she really wanted to be in the position I found myself in over a year ago when I recieved a SD from a DCA. I reminded her of the time we had the electricity cut off because i didnt have enough money to pay the bill because i was paying off a despicable DCA who was demanding more and more money each month. Despite all of my words and what I hoped was a little bit of wisdom and alot of experience she went out and got one!

 

I found the statement when I went into her room to sort her washing out, I didnt snoop it was open on her bed. When she came home from college I sat her down and asked her about it and her answer to what I had to say were along these lines:

 

"so"

"and"

"and this has what to do with you"

"I am not you and I wont make the same mistakes as you"

"let me live my life and make my own mistakes"

 

Suffice it to say we ended up having a right ol barney and she left home and is staying with my mother at the moment!

 

Kids....who'd have em?

[Mungypup]

Oh no, hope you are ok Monx. I don't have kids so have no experience or advice to offer, just hopes that you're ok and the bust up hasn't left you too bruised. You can only do your best, and kids don't usually realise that until they mature. I didn't anyway. And come to think of it I still prob have my moments when it comes to my parents. The poor things. Hope you're ok anyhow.

[MONX]

Oh I am fine thanks Mungypup...just worried for her and I guess missing her although to be honest I am enjoying the peace and quiet lol...I just wish she would listen to reason but I suppose you cant put an old head on a young body ... all you can do is give them the information and be there to pick up the peices when it all goes wrong!

 

The little mare has some cheek tho...i found her nipping home for a bath the other day because my mother is having her bathroom re-modeled!!!!

[Mungypup]

The little mare has some cheek tho...i found her nipping home for a bath the other day because my mother is having her bathroom re-modeled!!!!

 

[locutus]

My darling daughter who has already had a DCA letter at the tender age of 18 has now gone against my wishes and got a Dorothy Perkins store card.

 

When she first mentioned it we discussed it like adults, I explained that the interest charged on them was astronomical and that using the cards could become a habit that grows and she could find herself spiralling out of control because its is to easy to aquire/use the cards.

 

I explained that although a lot of people are in debt, to be in debt is still a social stigma and poeple tend to be judgemental. I reminded her of my problems with debt and asked her if she really wanted to be in the position I found myself in over a year ago when I recieved a SD from a DCA. I reminded her of the time we had the electricity cut off because i didnt have enough money to pay the bill because i was paying off a despicable DCA who was demanding more and more money each month. Despite all of my words and what I hoped was a little bit of wisdom and alot of experience she went out and got one!

 

I found the statement when I went into her room to sort her washing out, I didnt snoop it was open on her bed. When she came home from college I sat her down and asked her about it and her answer to what I had to say were along these lines:

 

"so"

"and"

"and this has what to do with you"

"I am not you and I wont make the same mistakes as you"

"let me live my life and make my own mistakes"

 

Suffice it to say we ended up having a right ol barney and she left home and is staying with my mother at the moment!

 

Kids....who'd have em?

Count your blessings... I have similar arguments with my 9 year old! (and she thretens to go up the road to stay with a neighbour )

[Guest wino]

I wish my eldest would hurry up and leave home! He can do what he likes in his own house. I'm really angry at the things he does that effect us and our neighbours.

[Spamalot]

Aw MONX... Some kids listen and some kids don't...

 

My two are totally different... the eldest wouldn't touch a credit card with a barge pole and is being offered them left right and centre but she shreds the 'applications as soon as they drop on the doormat...

 

The youngest keeps applying for them but gets turned down cos she hasn't got a credit record yet... she only does it (she says) to help a friend out who works for a store and is under pressure to submit so many applications a week....

 

Neither of them have left home yet though... I suspect it'll be me that leaves first anyway...

 

Hope things work out well for you though and she comes back when the dust settles..

[Maggie_moo]

I had the same problem with my eldest daughter, got herself into a godawful mess with her finances - managed to get herself a £5000 loan at 18 from NW :eek:, and now up to her neck in debt at 21

 

I can't do anything, we have a really good relationship but we've had a few hair-raising rows over her attitude towards money, but it's her life and her debt, and although I give my opinion and help with advice if I'm asked, I've had to stop bailing her out, she'll learn the hard way

 

She's still my girl though, love her to bits even though I could cheerfully throttle her at times

[Tezcatlipoca]

It is a factor of every generation to rationalise the mistakes of their elders as based on ignorance, and then to embark on making the same mistakes themselves.

 

However, to play Devil's Advocate for a moment, your daughter does rather have a point.

She's 18; old enough to obtain credit and old enough to suffer the consequences of her actions, be they idiotic or otherwise.

 

Of course you're concerned about her, but trying to warn her of the potential dangers, even motivated as they are by both the best intentions and personal experience, isn't going to work; indeed, it's only likely to make her more determined to give you bowfingers and go out and get more cards.

 

I don't speak from personal experience, having had what I personally believe to be the good sense not to spawn carbon copies of myself into the world, but my own view would be to let her go ahead and run up debt if she wants. Ensure you first explain you won't - and later steadfastedly refuse to - provide any financial support when and if the DCA comes knocking.

[hilaryfrances]

my sister and my brotherinlaw are well in their seventys, they never learn either, always spending moeny they have not got and then blaming others. It is not an age thing it is an attitude thing. Some of us learn some of us dont

[Jan4a]

I despair over my 24 year old niece. She was frantically trying to borrow money off all the family to pay a DCA one week (don't know what happened, we didn't give it her as she already owes us £2k), the next week she'd got a new TV from Brighthouse (despite already having one that was only 6 months old) and the week after that, posted on Facebook "does anyone have an apple i phone for sale?" and "I've found a pup for £400 that I can pick up in January".

 

We've just given up now.

 

 

I think HF has a point though - not everyone does learn with age!

 

Jan

[90DC]

I despair over my 24 year old niece. She was frantically trying to borrow money off all the family to pay a DCA one week (don't know what happened, we didn't give it her as she already owes us £2k), the next week she'd got a new TV from Brighthouse (despite already having one that was only 6 months old) and the week after that, posted on Facebook "does anyone have an apple i phone for sale?" and "I've found a pup for £400 that I can pick up in January".

 

We've just given up now.

 

 

I think HF has a point though - not everyone does learn with age!

 

Jan

 

 

I'd recommend somebody close to her to have a wee word with her, sounds quite serious. She's getting involved with BrightHouse and DCA's and seems to think everything in life has to be material. Does she have a job?

[Jan4a]

I'd recommend somebody close to her to have a wee word with her, sounds quite serious. She's getting involved with BrightHouse and DCA's and seems to think everything in life has to be material. Does she have a job?

 

Believe me we've tried. But "she's 24 not a kid and its her life". She does have a job, she's in the forces ....... until they kick her out cos of debt that is!

[90DC]

I'm sorry to hear this, if there's nothing that nobody can do then that is a shame.

 

I do hope she manages to sort the problem out, because it sounds like in other aspects of her life, she is getting on fine. You and your family have done as much as you can, and nobody should expect any more than that.

 

If she's "24 and not a kid" i do hope she is doing all she can, and wish her luck with it. I don't know her, but it would be such a shame to lose her job as a result of debt.

[MONX]

Thanks for all your words of encouragement and my sincere sympathy for those going through the same things with kids and other rellies determined to "experience debt" for themselves.

 

I understand what you are saying Tez its just frustrating that someone I love and care about is standing on a precipice and is determined to throw away her safety net in order to win some kind of battle of the wills. I remember feeling similar when I was her age but the difference was that I did listen to reason most of the time and knowing my daughter as I do, I would be really surprised that she could handle it....for my sins I have always bailed her out and always been there for her and know now that a lot of this is down to me being overprotective and possibly her actions are a reaction to that, it doesnt stop it being really stupid tho!

[Tezcatlipoca]

I understand what you are saying Tez its just frustrating that someone I love and care about is standing on a precipice and is determined to throw away her safety net in order to win some kind of battle of the wills.

 

Of course it is, which is why I qualified my post by stating that I don't speak from personal experience, rather, from a position of cold objectivity.

 

for my sins I have always bailed her out and always been there for her and know now that a lot of this is down to me being overprotective and possibly her actions are a reaction to that, it doesnt stop it being really stupid tho!

 

Indeed. You'll excuse me if I sound a little preachy here, but that enabling behaviour, motivated as it is from the best of intentions, is a contributory factor to your daughter feeling she can, with relative safety, go out and acquire debt; after all, when things get tough - which they almost innevitably will - mum will be there to bail her out. Again.

 

I'm happy to admit that I don't have children, so don't pretend to understand how strong the urge might be to protect your spawn even if it flies in the face of logic and reason, but I'd personally be inclined to let her know that you will not bail her out this time then let her get on with it.

 

It's probably going to be tough for both of you, but that's the reality of the situation. You need to take a step back and take a breather, and she needs to learn that reckless and irresponsible financial behaviour has consequences.

[sequenci]

Indeed. You'll excuse me if I sound a little preachy here, but that enabling behaviour, motivated as it is from the best of intentions, is a contributory factor to your daughter feeling she can, with relative safety, go out and acquire debt; after all, when things get tough - which they almost innevitably will - mum will be there to bail her out. Again..

 

This is absolutely spot on. I'm a debt counsellor by trade (for one of the charities) and the amount of times kids get bailed out by their parents only to do it all over again is unreal, I get cases like this all the time.

 

Let 'em make their own mistakes.

 

TBH a default on their crf at the age of 18 would probably do them the world of good.

[MONX]

"I'm happy to admit that I don't have children, so don't pretend to understand how strong the urge might be to protect your spawn even if it flies in the face of logic and reason, but I'd personally be inclined to let her know that you will not bail her out this time then let her get on with it."

 

 

 

Yes I agree totally, she is under no illusion that I will be neither enabling or bailing her out again. This is partly why she left home in the end. Mum got tough lol!

 

I can't explain why as a parent I have treated her in such an illogical manner....in my youth my mother worried that I ever spawned children of my own as I didnt have a maternal bone in my body and had no time for or saw any point in babies, whether the child would survive, however when the doctor put that tiny, innocent little thing in my arms it was like some kind of epiphany and I can only explain it as instant and unrelenting love and wrapping them in cotton wool to prevent the world hurting them is only natural but can be (as wonderfully demonstrated my my parenting skills) ironically damaging.

 

Its very difficult, you have to balance the love you have with your child with arming them with the coping skills to survive in the big bad world and I seem to have got the balance quite wrong. I am afraid she will have to be knocked around a bit by the world before she will see what I was trying to protect her from.

[Mungypup]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Monx. All you can do as a parent is try your best, it's not like they arrive with a handbook, and it sounds like that's what you have done. I don't know any parent who does not have a single regret of 'what they could have done better', but then again, the same can be said when looking back at most things in ones life. You realise what you need to do and that's what you're doing. That's being a parent.

 

I am not a parent myself and have never desired to have kids but I have many friends who have children of all ages, from babies to adults, and if you can give a child a happy loving upbringing and teach them the difference between right and wrong then you have done your job. You are still teachng her. And she will learn! I think leaving kids to learn on their own two feet can be great for them. I'm sure I've said this before but my parents threw me out aged 17 and then emigrated to the states. I had to stand on my own feet and be accountable for my actions, and I was. I had no other choice! I think it made me mature fast and did me wonders. Must have been scary as hell for my parents, but I didn't turn out so bad. It must be really hard standing back and watching, but it does sound like the best thing to do.