Daughter's university dilemma.... what would you do?

[PriorityOne]

My daughter is in the process of choosing university courses through UCAS and even though one of the degree courses she's interested in is offered at a local university within commuting distance (25 minutes away).... ... and she's currently doing a foundation course there anyway.... she's attracted by the experience of living away from home and wants more independence.

 

I'm far too worried about the costs involved to be able to say much at the moment.... She'd have to apply for a student loan for every year she's there.... which means that she'd be saddled with debts of over £20K at the end of it all (incl. fees), but I don't want to come across as a wet blanket by seeming to deprive her of the experience of away-from-home university life either.

 

I'm a lone parent in full-time work (ironically, in a school )... but can't make a decision on this one... so I'm throwing it open to you lovely people.

 

What would you do?

[Bookworm]

Let her make her choices herself and pay for them if she so chooses. If you try to interfere, you'll be the one to blame for whatever goes wrong thereafter. Mind you, you'll also be to blame if it goes t*ts up for not stopping her, lol.

 

But in the end, you have to let her make her own choices and be supportive outwardly, even if inwardly your toes are curling and your stomach knotting. ;-)

[PriorityOne]

Let her make her choices herself and pay for them if she so chooses. If you try to interfere, you'll be the one to blame for whatever goes wrong thereafter. Mind you, you'll also be to blame if it goes t*ts up for not stopping her, lol.

 

But in the end, you have to let her make her own choices and be supportive outwardly, even if inwardly your toes are curling and your stomach knotting. ;-)

 

Thanks Bookie...

 

You've put into words what I'm trying to do.... but the thought of all that student debt is awful! I know that she won't have to pay any back until she leaves and starts earning over a certain threshold, but still.... It's taken me years to straighten myself out financially.... and to watch while someone you love walks down a debt-ridden road is very difficult.

[locutus]

One thing I wish I knew before leaving home... how much of my wages would go on bills!

 

Does your daughter think 7k a year is gonna be constant parties and dining out nightly?

 

Let her make her own choice, but make sure it is an informed decision.

[SOD'EM]

This may sound childish but let her know that you will support her decision whatever she chooses. Then tell her to write a list of Pros and Cons of moving away, and staying here. She may think that it is a bit futile doing that but if she puts her mind to it, it will put everything into perspective before it's too late to change her mind.

[PriorityOne]

I do think she's chasing the fun element of university life, yes ...

 

I've worked out that with the maintenance grant, she'd have a lot more in her purse each week by staying at home than going away because I'd be providing the food and shelter. The course fees would still come to around 10K.... but that seems a d*mn sight less than what she'd have to repay with 3 years worth of maintenance loans on top of this figure as well

 

The other worry I have is that although I can continue to support her financially at home... if she goes off and then can't find a part-time job for some reason to support herself, then it will make things extremely tight for me... 'coz I'll be the one she turns to. I've spent the best part of my life as a pauper and have no wish to return after fighting so hard to get on my feet. Is that selfish of me? I can't help it... sorry.

 

It will have to be her choice, I know.... but I will need to place all the cards on the table and see what she does. She is a very sensible young lady, but....

 

I'll let you know how our conversations go....

[empowered]

Why not talk her into staying the first year at home.... she's so near to uni that she can still join in the social life. Once she's had that first year, she will be that much more mature and can make an informed decision on whether to move out. My son who is still living at home, spent the first 2 years at uni in London living with us and has only just now applied for a grant.... he knows he can't afford to live in London but is now responsible for repaying the grant and I think this makes him much more aware of the importance of money. A hard call I know but ultimately, it is up to them... we've supported both kids financially through private education and uni, now its up to them to grow up both mentally and financially. It also concentrates the mind into getting part time jobs and planning carefully. Unless you are stinking rich, no one is going to get through life without having to get some kind of loan or mortgage and this is a good lesson.

[PriorityOne]

Why not talk her into staying the first year at home.... she's so near to uni that she can still join in the social life. Once she's had that first year, she will be that much more mature and can make an informed decision on whether to move out. My son who is still living at home, spent the first 2 years at uni in London living with us and has only just now applied for a grant.... he knows he can't afford to live in London but is now responsible for repaying the grant and I think this makes him much more aware of the importance of money. A hard call I know but ultimately, it is up to them... we've supported both kids financially through private education and uni, now its up to them to grow up both mentally and financially. It also concentrates the mind into getting part time jobs and planning carefully. Unless you are stinking rich, no one is going to get through life without having to get some kind of loan or mortgage and this is a good lesson.

 

The trouble is, there's only one uni. that's near enough to commute to.... if she picks any of the others, then she'll have to live away from home. Our "local" uni. is only 25 minutes away from home as it is and a further 30 minutes away from London..... so unless there's a course that fulfils some specific study requirement, I can't see the point of her taking on all that further expense. She already drives there 4 days a week as it is to do her Foundation course...

 

That's a good idea that your son did though.... to have the first 2 years at home. They do a lot of growing up in a short space of time... If she chose to do the same as your son, I'd be happy.

 

 

[Bona]

Living away from home is part of uni life my daughter worked her way through ran up debts but paid every penny back she also learnt the value of money and how eventually budget

she could have lived at home but chose a uni miles away

[sequenci]

University is as much about living away and growing up as it is the academic part. I appreciate that it may be a cheaper option to live at home but I firmly believe that the benefits of your daughter living in halls etc far outweigh the drawbacks. I think writing a pros/cons list is a fantastic idea. I appreciate the debt element but remember that student loans are only repaid once your daughter is earning above a certain amount (and only a percentage would be taken of of that - I think it is 8 or 9% of anything above £15k).

[charleyfarley]

I tend to agree with sequenci, that you can't put a monetary value on the independence and self-confidence it brings. A friend of my son is doing a daily commute to uni and says he doesn't feel part of what's going on and is thinking of moving there.

[hilaryfrances]

We got ourselves into dreadful debt when our daughter went to a unversity away from home instead of studying in Leeds. With hindsight I would have insisted she went to the local university

[MilkTrayMan]

The choice has always got to be with the student...

Choice of course.

Choice of type of educational establishment.

Choice of where to study.

Choice of accomondation...

Choice of means/ability to finance themselves whilst studying etc etc.

It is THEIR education.

It is THEIR debt.

It is THEIR choice.

At the age of 18 they become adults......allegedly.

[PriorityOne]

Ok.... the pros and cons have been explained.... and the options have been chosen. The local uni is one of those options, but if she gets an interview to the others.... we'll go together to have a look.

 

My feeling is that she'll probably move away. The one she's more likely to go to is not a million miles away, but she'll need to stay there. She already has friends in the area, which could influence that choice.... but hey ho....

 

I'm trying to keep out of it.....

[sequenci]

I'm trying to keep out of it.....

 

As difficult, frustrating and annoying it is I think that's the best thing you can do. I don't envy your position at all! Hope you're OK!

[PriorityOne]

As difficult, frustrating and annoying it is I think that's the best thing you can do. I don't envy your position at all! Hope you're OK!

 

 

I'm ok thanks Sequenci... . S'pose I should be thankful this is all she's stressing me out about really....

[boswell]

Well i understand how you feel and sympathise fully.

I went through a similar situation over 7 years ago when my daughter wanted to go away to Uni, 2 hours drive away, not that far away really but too far for my little girl.

During her first year she struggled terribly with homesickness as much as we missed her but she wouldnt give in.

She completed her course Sport and Ex Science at a red brick Uni and got a First. Damm i was so proud on her Grad Day, and when i saw her with all her friends i saw that she had changed into a strong beautiful young woman

She had a year out and then went and did another degree in Physio and got a First in that, and during her third year she told us she was getting married. I spent about £15k on her Uni support and now a wedding.

No wonder i found this group.

But i went through similar with my Son as well, but you dont think the same with lads. Dad's say get in there son and enjoy yourself, and on the other hand im petrified about other Dad's sons and my daughter, lol such is life

But honestly, if she wants to go, let her go with your blessing because if as Bookworm says if it all goes ti**s up, you will be there with open arms like any dad would be.

 

B

[foolishgirl]

Having been through it Priority, I agree wholeheatedly with Bookie - you'll be damned in later years if you prevent her going & damned if you encourage it. It's called parenting! And sometimes you have to use tough love to save them from their own foolishness & preserve your own sanity.

 

If the pennies are going to be a real issue for you, I suggest you sit her down, show her your budget & explain that if she lives on her own, no matter how desperate she might be for that £1.00 for the meter she will have to find it herself. Live on your own & the responsibilites that come with it are the penalty you pay for the freedom. And then stick to your word! Much harder said than done but in the end she will thank you for the financial lesson you taught her early in life & she will probably learn nothing more valuable at uni.

 

The pros & cons list is an excellent idea & I found it worked with mine on most topics particularly if you put a score out of 10 against each one & then add the total up on both sides - it puts it into a cold perspective. If she then lets her heart rule her head & goes ahead when the odds are against her, she only has herself to blame but remember to keep a copy of that list for the arguments in later years.

 

Good luck...

[Undercover-Elsa]

hi Priority,

I agree with the above.

I put two through Uni as a widowed mum and they both knew the score before they went to uni 200 miles away.

Sure they had problems, but learned to deal with them and it was a valuable lesson in how to cope and not expecting someone else to bail them out.

My friend's son, on the otherhand, went to uni from a well off family who bailed him out whenever he had problems. The result?

Flunked his course before finishing as he knew Mummy would understand, still no job 3 years later, just has to ring Mum if the electric goes off and knows she'll grumble, but sort it. He's learned that someone else will always pick up the tab.

I'm proud of my kids-both with degrees, both working hard cos they know it's their life and their responsibility. I advise and slip in the odd food parcel or Tesco shop when I can...but they don't ask for it or expect it.

As long as your daughter knows the score, she'll be a better person for learning to cope

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

Elsa xx

[PriorityOne]

Ah... bless you all for your input on this....

 

It will be her own decision... and I will support whatever she decides. In all honesty, if I'd gone to uni at her age instead of being a mature student, I would probably have wanted the experience of living away from home as well. Having said that, our relationship is very close and she may decide to remain where she is.

 

Whatever she decides, I'm proud of all she's overcome in her life so far and all she's achieved....

 

It may take a while, but I'll post up her decision when she's had all the interviews....

 

[danielr]

I'd echo what's said above...

 

sure, going to the local university means that she'll be able to stay home, but that might also mean that she'll miss out on the university life, and all of the growing up associated with it...

 

and helping out doesn't necessarily mean sending money. when I went to university my parents often still cooked as if I were home and got some foil takeaway trays. then every so often they'd visit and re-stock my freezer with a load of good home cooked meals. (sometimes this made the difference between me eating and not eating)

 

Don't necessarily assume that you'll have to sit down with your daughter to explain that she won't be getting handouts from you either. chances are she already knows that life is tough, money doesn't grow on trees and that she'll have to work as well as study to get through...

 

That's what I did, because I already 'knew the score' before going. and I did all kinds of jobs, -finding a job at university isn't too difficult, a lot of universities have 'work banks' basically a temping agency that has offices within the uni campus and supply students to local businesses.

 

Also, with the debt, it pains me every month that I loose money to repay that loan, I always feel that I should be getting more money, but the truth of it is that without the degree that I got, I wouldn't have the job that I've got now. (well I might have, but there is a chance that I wouldn't). but even taking away the money that the loan company takes in repayments I'm still earning more that I likely would have without going to university!

[PriorityOne]

Just updating....

 

My daughter had her 1st interview yesterday.... and was offered a place on the spot on the strength of her portfolio (art/textiles). It looks like a brilliant uni, was one of her top choices and, after driving up with her and seeing it all for myself; chatting to students and seeing the facilities there, I'm happy for her to go now

 

She won't receive proper confirmation for a while yet and she's still waiting for an interview at one other place before accepting anyway. Interestingly though, she was offered the place on the strength of her A-level work and not the course she's doing now.... which has since made us both realise that the local option just doesn't have the experience to teach her in the best way. Although the local degree course may have been different.... it's taught in the same college where she's at now, which is known for its riff-raff students. The tutors have given her little support with her UCAS application and advised her not to take any of her A-Level work with her on this interview

 

It was me who told her she should take it anyway.... and she also thought she should take it because it said more about her capabilities than this current course.

 

Glad we did.... they loved it!!

 

Happy!!

[foolishgirl]

Wonderful Priority - you & DD must be delighted.

 

Hope it all works out & when you're old & grey, she can keep you in the manner in which you'd like to be accustomed on the mega bucks she'll be making ...

[PriorityOne]

Wonderful Priority - you & DD must be delighted.

 

Hope it all works out & when you're old & grey, she can keep you in the manner in which you'd like to be accustomed on the mega bucks she'll be making ...

 

I think I'll start my wish list now.... lol :grin:

[sequenci]

Superb news.