Words of Wisdom.

[Conniff]

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

 

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

 

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

 

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

 

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?'

SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

 

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

 

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

 

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A

HOSTAGE SITUATION?

 

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

 

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

 

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

 

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

 

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

 

15. If A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

 

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

 

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

 

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

 

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

 

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

 

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

 

22. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

 

23. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

 

24. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

 

25. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

 

26. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

 

27. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

 

28. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[Brassed off]

I'll have a pint of whatever you've been on tonight Conniff

[Conniff]

I'll have a pint of whatever you've been on tonight Conniff

 

Ok - it's your round.

 

Nowt on telly tonight that interests me as you can probably tell.

[SOD'EM]

Big Brother's on....What are you talking about:p

[Brassed off]

Ok - it's your round.

 

Nowt on telly tonight that interests me as you can probably tell.

 

You can have a "virtual" pint of whatever takes your fancy Conniff

 

As for the telly, don't get me started We haven't had telly access for about two weeks due to our next door neighbour who cba to chop his bushes/trees back away from our dish

 

Well these worms have turned - the chainsaw is being launched in the morning whether he likes it or not