My wife's spending secret - Help needed

[angel_1]

I am too very sorry to have seen your thread and can understand your hurt and mistrust.

 

I seen all the posts and especially boston3603 - understanding is huge to expect you to do at this moment in time, but perhaps your wife is suffering from depression - lots of people do and hide it well until they admit it to themselves first which is the first step to recovery.

 

Pls dont think im trying to make excuses for her, im not i totally understand what you are saying and how this has affected you.

 

if any of the debts are in her sole name then she should take responsibility for those and like boston says cab can help, im on a dmp myself for my sole debts and national debtline have been wonderful to me. (my husband aware of my debts i just didnt want him to be affected by the process of the dmp) - their site is informative too .

The debts she has raised jointly then yes you are both legally responsible and unfortunately the only out is to admit the fraud and that would cause more damage especially to your daughter.

 

I do hope that you can resolve this in the long term, its not fun being unhappy and once the financial implications are resolved and the emotional thoughts and feelings are put aside, for the sake of yourself and your marriage, you need to talk perhaps with a mediator, get yourselves back to a point where you can live your lives happily with your daughter.

 

I really hope you can work through this - trust is very hard to repair once broken i do understand that. You seem a caring guy and reading between the lines i think you are in shock and disbelief that this has happened to you.

 

I hope i have not offended you with anything ive said, never my intention, just wanted to say a little on behalf of your wife too, she may need help too and if she is suffering from depression - let me assure you its not a nice thing to go through because it does affect the family in the end too.

 

For your clarity and your understanding you do need to ask her to be honest with you and explain why she did what she did, she hopefully will tell you the truth and then you both can move on in the right direction.

 

I wish you both the best of luck and just remember amongst all the fog, you have a fab daughter together, who is a blessing and a joy to you both.

A true precious gift that you both care for and who deserves you both to be happy.

 

God bless and keep happy

 

Ciao MAZ

[MARTIN3030]

A sad story.Only you can decide where you go from here.Its possible to love someone even when they hurt you-if your Love is stronger for them than theirs for you.I think its right to say if you really love someone then you dont do anything to hurt that person.

When you live with someone for so long you think you know them and then things like this happen.I agree that you cant say because you have a 9 year old daughter that you have to stay together.It will put a strain on things anyway because things have happened which has breached trust...its good that you came here to share it I guess the opinions voiced here will give you some support-whatever you decide lets hope its ok.

Your judgements either way for the moment will reflect on your feelings now,it will take time to forgive but much longer to forget.

[Bona]

it seems to me , and i not condoning the situation that your wifes probems may well be much more than getting into debt perhaps this was way out for here ( wrongley concieved) for your Daughters sake as if you say she is sensative she well know somethings wrong make an appoitment with a marriage councelor/ doctor im sure you can work through this im sure you feel betrayed but it seems to me that you feel your priorities are to your daughter and punishing your wife for the next 9 years isnt going to help here you know are aware of the problem and should be able to have safe gaurds leave the debt in her name but make sure yu have access to all her finances with her permission take it day by day and in a few months things may start to mend

[boston3603]

Hello again. I have been thinking about your situation all day and I do hope you are all right. Your anger is quite justifiable as it comes from feeling betrayed, used and unimportant. You WILL get through this....although it will test you both. Your wife has to go through this process and when she does, she will sit your daughter down and explain the error of her ways. She will be able to tell her there are better ways of dealing with negative emotions because lessons will have been learned.

I do believe, no-matter what age we are, when things go wrong, we use the same coping skills we used when we were young and for many, they are not good ones. You are going to find this tough, but you will regain control over your hard earned money. Your wife, should feel relieved that her problems have been discovered ,despite her shame. I will be thinking about you and hope all goes well.

Take care

Hazel

[johnwalker]

Thanks for all your posts

 

Well the loan has now been canceled. I must say YB are lousy and we had to hassle them to cancel it.

 

We'd booked a holiday months ago and after we've taken that in 3 weeks time she has to call CAB to make an appointment with a debt advisor.

 

I'll let you know what happens.

[yourbank]

Good Luck and keep the chin up. The above posters that also gave some good advice even though it may be tough to read it.

[NitrousOxide]

There's been some good advice here.

Don't be afraid to ask us anything else either.

You mentioned insurance on the loan. I would possibly post in the PPI section to see if it was mis-sold. It would at least ease the pressure a bit.

Also ask her what her payment history was like, you may be able to recover at least a little bit.

These situations are never nice, I feel for you and hope you get to sort it out. Like I said though we are always here if you need us.

Edited July 27, 2008 by NitrousOxide

[johnwalker]

My wife has started to receive replies from the credit card companies after she wrote to them (as per CAB instructions).

 

Halifax look like they will be nasty

Evans look the same

Tesco are ok

M & S are ok

 

The person at the YB, the guy who was supposed to cancel the new loan and didn't, did not put a stop on the existing loan as he said he would do in a letter to my wife. This means the Bank has taken £170 from her own account taking her into the red by the same amount. This was Monday. Despite calls to this prat and the Bank's HO this has yet to be sorted.

 

I have posted the following question in another thread but no one has yet answered.

 

When my wife goes and sees the Debt Counsellor w/c 18th Aug, and when she has to complete a Budget report, will my income be taken into consideration when completing the form? I ask this because they debt is in her name. By taking my wage into account then I will be paying for a debt not in my name?

[johnwalker]

Just found out that when the bank canceled the loan they did not allow her to go back to the original loan but started a new one!

 

This means they have completely disregarded her requests. This is becoming a bloody nightmare!

[yourbank]

She needs to complain to the Customer Relations Unit of the bank it is concerned with. They cannot do that as you have cancelled the loan within the cooling off period.

[johnwalker]

YB HO were supposed to call her back today and they did not.

 

So she called the branch around 1pm and spoke with the Asst Manager who said she would look into things and call back. She did not!

 

Now it seems they have totally screwed up - they started her old loan afresh - took £200 payment out of my wife's account causing her to go £200 overdrawn. This is not the new loan in my name - it's the one she's been paying for 2 yrs using the bloody cash she took from ATMs using credit cards.

 

She's been passed from person to person and it absolutely sucks. They say they cant sort out the cock up as they have followed the Credit Laws - Yes, and I'm the Prince of England!

[boston3603]

I know and understand your anger. The brutal facts however are no-matter who caused the debt or how, the debt is in your name also as a married couple. Its that simple. You and your wife have to get a financial statement put together by the cab and signed by you BOTH to say it is an accurate account of your in and outgoings. This is then sent to the creditors by the CAB. NOT your wife by herself... I thought I could keep my husband out of it and was informed the debts are now jointly owned by us both. It dosn't matter if you stay together or not, how angry you are or how the debts came about. I certainly wouldn't be going on a holiday before having an emergency meeting with the CAB. My conscience wouldn't allow it, after all, it is money accrued from debt paying for it I assume. As far as the new loan is concerned, YOU may need to get onto her online account or write a letter and make her sign it saying you are forced to cancel the d.d. Then ring up and cancel it. Don't worry about the fall out. Once you have a payment plan in place, you WILL feel better and more in control, but she has to be made to understand she is spend NO more on anything other than essentials. The Halifax are rsoles and will bother you but the CAB will write to tell them harrassment is against the law so they will probably accept a non official payment plan. Once more creditors accept your payment plan, then you can inform the rest so they will follow suit. Anyhow, if you are taken to court, they still wont get more money if there is none. Income support states how much your family needs to live on comfortably BEFORE anything else is shared proportionately amongst the creditors. You could declare yourself bankrupt, either way you will still have money and the monthly payments will remain the same for one year, then the bankruptcy will automatically end. YOU CANNOT BE FORCED TO SELL YOUR HOME. Take care of yourself.

[angel_1]

hiya all

 

just updated myself on the latest posts, - im sorry that this is now becoming such a hellish situation for you johnwalker.

 

just to clarify with you on your post no 36 - you say the loan which was the latest one with your name on it was actually cancelled but then yb have gone back to the loan she had originally - was that only in her sole name then? thats how ive understood it.

 

if so then am i under the mis understanding like boston3603 says in post 37 that as a married couple both are liable???????

 

boston could you pls clarify for me as im now worried, whether im misunderstanding this clearly

 

only reason i ask is that ive set up my payment plan to my creditors i have in my sole name and only sent them my income and my expenses - ive not included my husband wages or his sole or even joint overdrafts as he is paying for those.

 

So in theory im responsible for my own sole debts. but of course understand would also be liable for any joint ie our overdraft - but as my husband is clearing that overdraft once cleared will be closed, only other joint account we have is the mortgage.

 

so to help johnwalker, his wife surely could just do a sole income and expenditure and include only her sole creditors and possibly any other joint creditors and pay a part to that joint debt for example if a overdraft was in joint names.

 

But im still understanding that the original loan was only in the wifes name?

 

so this bit about the debt is in your name also as a married couple - pls boston would you explain. thanks very much.

 

i guess what im trying to establish is that if it would be better for the wife to go bankrupt if she has only sole creditors - ?

 

thanks have a good weekend ciao for now maz

[boston3603]

My hubby and I were told back in May by (romsey area) that the loan he took out originally in his name years ago which had been added on to over the years to cover my debts, caused by me taking out loans in my and his name along with credit cards , has become my debt also as we both have money coming into the house and are married. Catalogues, credit cards, store cards in my name alone are my husbands problem also. Poor bloke.If we had seperate accounts, we are still both liable. My husband asked about bankruptcy and was told as we are a married couple, we had to both go bankrupt at a cost of 300 quid each, only payable in cash. We are not at that stage yet. We were told that we were living in debt together, and increasing debt whether one or the other knew or not,therefore in the eyes of the law we are both responsible for the consequences.

Have you set up a financial plan without the help of CAB? I AM V. CONFUSED!! We have an overdraft debt we we are both liable for and are reducing down each month even though the bank owes US 11 grand in unauthorised bank charges. Another story!!!!

[boston3603]

AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!:confused:

[angel_1]

hiya boston

 

just seen your reply,,,, im shocked for you and the info you have been given and thus for all married people too,

 

im confused so it was cab in romsey area who told you all this then?

 

i dont understand that both in a marriage would need to go bankrupt too, i - im totally confused by that

 

so the law states that as a couple both are liable for each other debts even if taken out in sole names,,,

 

surely that could be contested whats the point of having sole accounts and sole contracts then?

 

i do hope others come along to help us both, but i will look into this further

 

no boston ive come to arrangements with all my sole credit card accounts via my own debt management plan and contacted them myself, was helped by this forum along the way and national debtline site

 

well would be good if you got the charges back , if we ever do in the end

 

keep happy ciao for now maz

[johnwalker]

I really cant see how I am liable for my wife's debts. I looked around on the net to try and clarify this and found two websites with Q's & A's that totally contradict each other:

Living together and marriage: legal differences

You are liable for any debts which are in your own name only, but not for any debts which are just in your partner's name.

Can a debt collector sue my wife or husband for my debt?

I am married but have a credit card that is in my name only, which I have recently defaulted on. Can a creditor or debt collector go after my spouse for repayment of this debt even though his name isn't listed on the credit card?

Yes, marriage is like a partnership with each of you jointly liable for any debts incurred during the marriage. It doesn't matter if your spouse is or isn't listed on the card as a joint accountholder, he or she can still be sued, have his wages garnished, etc., just as if he incurred the debt.

 

 

[johnwalker]

I certainly wouldn't be going on a holiday before having an emergency meeting with the CAB. My conscience wouldn't allow it, after all, it is money accrued from debt paying for it I assume.

 

The holiday is to the coast and was paid for ages ago. The CAB debt counselors are so busy she cant get to see one until after the holiday anyway! She is calling this Monday to make an appointment with them w/c 18th August.

 

To her 'credit' she has been in touch with all the cc companies and the bank sending token payments accompanied with letters, which explain everything. During the appointment a financial plan will be completed.

As far as the new loan is concerned, YOU may need to get onto

her online account or write a letter and make her sign it saying you are forced to cancel the d.d. Then ring up and cancel it. Don't worry about the fall out.

 

It now seems the loan was given a new agreement number only and continues on. A stop has now been placed on payments against it. The Asst Bank Manager more or less apologised for the screw up. Shame we don't record our calls though! My wife is thinking of complaining about the poor service to the Bank and to the Banking Ombudsman.

 

Income support states how much your family needs to live on comfortably BEFORE anything else is shared proportionately amongst the creditors.

 

I have looked at budgeting for everything we have and if this is done properly, and all things are covered i.e. car, then there's not a great deal left at the end of the month.

You could declare yourself bankrupt, either way you will still have money and the monthly payments will remain the same for one year, then the bankruptcy will automatically end. YOU CANNOT BE FORCED TO SELL YOUR HOME.

 

We could remortgage to settle the debts but with 10yrs of manageable mortgage payments left I don't want to do this. It will also greatly effect what we would have available to live on.

Take care of yourself.

 

Thank you for your post and helpful comments

[rippedoffagain]

The advice that has been give to boston by CAB is just plain wrong. There are many married people who live separate financial lives. The only account I share with my wife is the mortgage. I am not responsible for her debts and she is not responsible for mine.

 

The issue regarding both having to file for bankruptcy is nonsense, I have read many threads here and elsewhere, where one partner has become bankrupt.

 

Sorry boston , you have been misinformed, no offence intended.

[johnwalker]

Cant believe it's so long since I created this thread.

 

One interesting thing CAB advised - As one of my wife's creditors was the bank we both held a joint account with, CAB said we should change banks as they might take money from the joint account! How they can do this is beyond me.

 

The update is that the CCCS are going to manage my wife's debt.

 

It will take a considerable amount of time to pay the debt off.

 

Thanks again for all the help

[angel_1]

hiya Johnwalker

 

just seen your update, thanks for informing us what the latest is

 

glad it seems to be working itself out,

 

yes, ive seen that about if there is a sole or joint account at the bank and you owe other creditors of the same group they can take money out to pay the creditors debts, ie creditor being a credit card debt, and take money from a sole/joint account held

 

thats why i was advised and many others to find an alternative bank account where i didnt have any creditors connected ie i opened a co op account and thus none of my creditors are connected to this banking group

 

hope that makes sense

 

For the rest of your journey i do hope all gets sorted and things improve dramatically now for you and your family

 

keep happy its the only thing no - one can take away from us unless we allow them to

 

ciao laters maz

[boston3603]

Stay strong and good luck.:)