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Tommy Cooper Jokes


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I know they are old, but who cares?

 

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

 

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

 

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

 

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

 

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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'

 

'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'

 

'Is it common?'

 

'It's not unusual.'

 

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

 

'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

 

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'

 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

 

Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

 

'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '

 

'No, because he's really heavy'

 

 

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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's'.

 

'Well you can't say fairer than that then'

 

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

 

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So I went to the dentist.

 

He said 'Say Aaah.'

 

I said 'Why?'

 

He said 'My dog's died.

 

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'

 

And a voice said 'You are.'

 

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

 

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

 

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

 

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

 

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

 

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

 

It's either my mum or my dad.

 

Or my older brother Colin

.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

 

But I think it's Colin.

 

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'

 

And I swerved.

 

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

 

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

 

And I went into a tree.

 

And a policeman came up and said

 

'What happened to you?'

 

And I said 'I careered off the road

 

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?

 

The one I was in went back and forwards.

 

I thought 'This is unusual'.

 

And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

 

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'

 

I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 

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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

 

'Does this taste funny to you?

 

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

 

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

 

So that was nice.

 

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A man walked into the doctors,

 

The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

 

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

 

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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

 

The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'

 

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

 

He wasn't very happy.

 

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

 

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

 

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Two blondes walk into a building.........

 

You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

 

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Phone answering machine message -

 

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

 

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

 

He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

 

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

 

A strong currant pulled him in.

 

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

 

He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!.

 

The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

 

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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

 

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

 

They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'

 

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  • Haha 1

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The old ones are still.....................

 

 

..................................................Old! :D.

If this has been useful to you, please click on the scales at bottom left of post. Thanks.

 

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It has been a while since i heard them myself. Glad you are all enjoying a laugh.

WARNING TO ALL

Please be aware of acting on advice given by PM .Anyone can make mistakes and if advice is given on the main forum people can see it to correct it ,if given privately then no one can see it to correct it. Please also be aware of giving your personal details to strangers

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Fair enough Jon, I remember reading on the internet that loads of Tim's jokes were sent around via e-mail stating they were Tommy's (I'm a huge Tim Vine fan, if you like this sort of humour you should check Tim's youtube clips!)

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Man has both ears ripped off in accident. Doc says "only got these two animal ears 'ere so I'll put them on" "Do what you must Doc" man replies. So Man has Pig's ear and Dog's ear grafted in place. Few weeks later Man goes for check up. "How's the ears?" Doc asks "This Dog's ear is great. I can hear a whistle from 500 yards away, but I've got a bit of crackling in the other ear"

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Man walks into a bar

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It was an Iron bar

Just remember to keep smiling and ask if you need help. :-)

 

I can't read and I can't write, but that don't really matter, cos I come from Lincolnshire, and I can drive a tractor.

CCA sent to robinson way Halifax cc. 22/02/07~Sold on to Aktiv Kapital~How can you take them seriously when they can't spell properly

Data Protection Act sent to HBOS Current Account 22/02/07~All quiet

Over 2 yaers I've been a member~Doesn`t time fly when your having fun~or beating DCA's at their own game

 

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