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THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR (Had it been fought today)

 

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy.”

 

Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir.”

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer. What's the meaning of this?”

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir.”

 

Nelson: (reading aloud): " England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability - What sort of gobbledygook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now and we’ve had the devil's own job getting ‘England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated a smoke-free working environment."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "* it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. A report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness and they said that the rope ladder doesn't meet the Work at Height Regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected.”

 

Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Unfortunately he's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Disability Discrimination Act I’m afraid, sir, we have to provide a barrier-free environment for the those with disabilities."

 

Nelson: "Disabilities? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't get to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without head protection and we’re not supposed to breath in too much salt - haven't you seen the Government’s health information adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It's the rules. It could save your life."

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case ……………. kiss me, Hardy.

Before you criticise another man you should first walk a mile in his shoes. Then, when you criticise him, you'll be a mile away and he won't have any shoes on.

 

Don't get me confused with somebody knowledgeable by all those green blobs. I got most of them by making people laugh.

 

I am not European, I am English.

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:lol::lol::lol:

All help is merely my opinion only - please seek legal advice if you need to as I am only qualified in SEN law.

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Very good! ;)

(Boffin alert: Some say that Nelson actually said "Kismet, Hardy" (meaning "fate") and not "Kiss me, Hardy." However, this isn't supported by any contemporary evidence.

The word 'kismet' isn't recorded as being in use in English to mean fate until as late as 1830, a quarter of a century after Nelson died. That euphemistic version of events is thought to be a later invention that attempted to avoid embarrassment by covering up the supposed homo-erotic imagery of men kissing. That was misguided in more ways than one, not least because platonic kisses between men at times of great emotion weren't viewed in the way in 19th century England.)

End of Boffin alert! ;)

Cheers

Lefty

If the left side of the brain controls your right, and the right side controls your left, then left-handed people are always in their right mind!

 

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Very good! ;)

 

(Boffin alert: Some say that Nelson actually said "Kismet, Hardy" (meaning "fate") and not "Kiss me, Hardy." However, this isn't supported by any contemporary evidence.

 

The word 'kismet' isn't recorded as being in use in English to mean fate until as late as 1830, a quarter of a century after Nelson died. That euphemistic version of events is thought to be a later invention that attempted to avoid embarrassment by covering up the supposed homo-erotic imagery of men kissing. That was misguided in more ways than one, not least because platonic kisses between men at times of great emotion weren't viewed in the way in 19th century England.)

 

End of Boffin alert! ;)

 

 

Cheers

Lefty

 

Blimey!

Before you criticise another man you should first walk a mile in his shoes. Then, when you criticise him, you'll be a mile away and he won't have any shoes on.

 

Don't get me confused with somebody knowledgeable by all those green blobs. I got most of them by making people laugh.

 

I am not European, I am English.

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