Nursery Rhymes Re Written

[ukaviator]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

 

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

 

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its feet

and turned its wool to nylon

 

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

 

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her a.s

Now two of his teeth are missing.

 

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

[**Tilly**]

Mary had a little lamb

it,s fleece was white as snow

she took him to the slaughter house

and ordered chops to go

[jowalshy]

Mary had a little Lamb,

She tied it to a pylon.

10,000 volts went up it's a***,

and turned it's wool to nylon

[jowalshy]

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Dozy Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

[Kevboy_telford]

Mary had a little Lamb

Its fleece as white as snow

a Frenchman got a match to it

and now its all a-glow

[Guest wino]

Mary had a little lamb

She also had a bear

I've often seen her little lamb

But I've never seen her bear!

[Guest wino]

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Stupid Jill forgot her pill

And now they have a daughter

[pinkduchess]

Old mother Hubbard

Went to the Cupboard

To get her poor dog a bone.

When she leaned over

Rover took over

And gave her a bone of his own

 

:o ....lol

[ukaviator]

PD really. . .

[pinkduchess]

lol.....sorry - trust me to lower the tone

[bazak1]

ha ha ha !

little miss muffet,

sat on a tuffet,

eating her curds and whey,

along came a copper,

who took it all off her,

and gave her a £50 on the spot fine for eating in a public place.

[Castlebest]

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,

the sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.

Where's the little boy who looks after the sheep?

Under the haystack, humping Bo Peep!

[Castlebest]

one for the celebs

 

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star

How you wonder where you are

In back alleys getting high

Until you choke and then you die :o

[Castlebest]

and one that hasnt been re-written :o

 

 

I love little pussy,

Her coat is so warm,

And if I don’t hurt her,

She’ll do me no harm.

So I’ll not pull her tail,

Nor drive her away,

But pussy and I,

Very gently will play.

[**Tilly**]

Hey diddle diddle

The cat had a piddle

All over the bedroom clock

the little dog laughed to see

such fun

then died of an electric shock

[Mr Blue Sky]

Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?

Listen you prat i live in a flat so how the hell do i know?

[**Tilly**]

There was a little girl

who had alittle curl

right in the middle of her forhead

when she was good

she was very very good

but when she was bad

she got a fur coat

jewels a waterfront condo

and a sports car

[Brassed off]

Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn,

the sheep's in the meadow, the cow's in the corn.

Where's the little boy who looks after the sheep?

Under the haystack, humping Bo Peep!

 

I assume you mean my "naughty" sister CB?

[sillygirl1]

Baa baa Black sheep got turned into

 

Baa baa roast lamb, have you any spuds?

[setmefree]

jack be nimble jack be quick

jack jump over the candlestick

silly boy jack should have jumped higher

oh my god great balls of fire

[setmefree]

Oops removed got carried away lol

[clutchingatstraws]

What was the original nursery rhyme for that one?

[**Tilly**]

Mary had a little lamb

it had a touch of colic

she gave it brandy everyday

and now it alcoholic

[moggieb]

Little Jack Horner

Sat in the corner

Eating his Christmas pie

The pie had been fixed

With weed it was mixed

And now little Jack's flyin high

[Rooster-UK]

Ding-Dong bell,

Pussy's down the well.

We had to pour Jeyes Fluid down

To try and kill the smell.