I can't sleep with everything going around my head... I feel like I'm going crazy... so I thought I'd write it down here to see what other people thought.
I recently lost a family member to cancer, such a horrible illness that took the life of a beautiful innocent child.
For years we were going back and to, to the children's hospital, seeing them go through surgeries, chemo and radiotherapy
for it to just come back and then start attacking other parts of their body.
Then to see them die, just like that.
Its taking me a long time to write this as I just keep crying and can't see the screen.
I just can't get why they had to get it in the first place, then all the years of fighting it, just for it kill them.
I am not coping well and I just keep to myself. I hate anything to do with cancer.. the word, hearing it, seeing it.
I am unemployed on JSA and I was told to go to Seetec to do a community work placement.
I go in to be told I'm being sent to a cancer centre!
I said no not there can't you find me somewhere else.
They replied you do realise this is mandatory.
Which I said yes but I've recently lost someone to cancer and I don't want to go somewhere were I'm surrounded by it.
What do you mean they said.
I reply what do I mean? I hate anything to do with cancer and your going to send me to a cancer centre at which stage I'm crying.
You wont be dealing with people having treatments they said.
But its a centre for that, there's going to be posters and leaflets everywhere I say trying to get them to understand.
What do you mean they say again why would there be posters up.
At which stage I couldn't cope and said I'd be back in a minute.
I had to go outside for some air and to get away.
I go back in to be told he doesn't like my tone and they don't see the problem in me going there.
Really I said, you don't understand why I don't want to go .
No they said they don't understand why I don't want to go and waived their hands saying lots of people have had someone die of cancer.
I can't get that out of my head. I keep replaying it over and over in my mind and its making my angry and upset.
They finish with I have to go to a interview with the place. I said and what if I get upset there.
They said this is a interview you have to conduct it in a professional manner just like any other interview.
I say buts its at a cancer place, bit different isn't it.
To which they said again what do you mean.
What do I mean?
Why do they keep saying what do you mean all the time?
How can they be that daft or heartless to not know what I mean.
It ended with them telling me I will get sanctioned if I get upset or go there with a negative attitude.
So that's it, I'm just supposed to forget about this, all the years of fighting, watching them die.
The nightmares I have.
The days I feel terrible and upset because something reminds me and everything comes flooding back like it happened yesterday.
Since this happened I feel sick, headache, upset and crying all the time.
I feel like I'm walking around in a dream / nightmare and I can't take it anymore.
I thought things are supposed to get easier with time, well its not, It seems to be getting harder