A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Michael Winner. What do you do? Shoot Michael Winner – twice.

Sitting round a small coffee table in a room of an international insurance company, a group of 4 people waited for a job interview. There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an awful looking fat lady. After 15 minutes in complete silence, and avoiding each other's eye contact, there was a power cut. The unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. Two minutes later the power came on again and the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake must have put his hand on the fat lady who slapped his face" The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". The Frenchman thought - "That damned Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me". The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another power cut soon so I can smack that French git again".

>>She married and had 13 children. >>Her husband died. >>She married again and had 7 more children. >>Again, her husband died >>But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. >>Alas, she finally died. >>Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. >>He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're >>finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, >>Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" The friend >>replied, "I think he means her legs."

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job working on the dodgems. He's suing them for funfair dismissal.

I was in a pub yesterday and the cigarette machine said "You smell and you're ugly" Then I heard a voice coming from a nearby plate of peanuts saying "You're a very handsome young man" Turns out the cigarette machine was out of order and the nuts were complimentary.

Rule of 78 aside from the info given it looks to me like the PPI was mis-sold!!! Personally I would press for a full refund. If im wrong then someone please shoot me down in flames skb

>Things to say when drunk > > >Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk: > >Cinnamon > >Indubitably > >Innovative > >Preliminary > >Proliferation > > > >Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk: > >British Constitution > >Loquacious > >Transubstantiate > >Passive-aggressive disorder > >Specificity > > > >Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk: > >Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. > >Nope, no more booze for me. > >Sorry, but you're not really my type. > >Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? > >Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. > >You're right; I can't jump over that table.

>> > > A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items: > > > > > 1 Bar of Soap > > > > > 1 Toothbrush > > > > > 1 Tube of toothpaste > > > > > 1 loaf of bread > > > > > 1 pint of milk > > > > > 1 apple > > > > > 1 banana > > > > > 1 orange > > > > > 1 plum > > > > > 1 grapefruit > > > > > 1 tomato > > > > > 1 lettuce > > > > > 1 cabbage > > > > > 1 baking potato > > > > > 1 kraft single > > > > > 1 samosa > > > > > 1 vegetable pakora > > > > > 1 muesli bar > > > > > 1 pie > > > > > 1 frozen pizza > > > > > 1 single frozen dinner The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?" The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?" He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says "Because you're minging"

Slinibucks indeed Hi Lindyhop Have just skimmed through your thread would seem Lloyds are being arsey with your, im surprised as they usually bend over backwads to sort out complaints . Im about to kick off a third PPI claim with them so will be watching with interest Couple if things I noticed on skimming through, I apologize if they already been answered but my brain refuses to concentrate for more than 30 seconds at a time today If its any consolation it took me 7 months and several letters to get full compliance with my original SAR. The folks in the DPA dept are a bit dim so sometimes it helps to send a letter in very basic English in a nice large bold font. With barclaycard I found this slightly patronising letter helped. Keep fighting they will pay up in the end whether they like it or not skb

Hi Legalities forum I have had two select loans from Lloyds, one of them is paid off and the second is still active with 2 ½ years to go. Select loan 1 start date: Jan 2004 Select loan 1 end date: April 2005 Select loan 2 start date: April 2005 Select loan 2 end date: Ongoing (Select loan 2 used to pay off Select loan 1) The first loan had PPI on it which im about to start reclaiming on the basis it was mis-sold, that however is a story that will be told elsewhere. When taking out the first select loan I was a classic current account holder. With this account the best loan they could offer me had an APR of around 20 % or so. However I was informed that if I upgraded to a Select account I would become eligible to apply for a Select loan which would have a greatly reduced interest rate of 14.9%. I of course accepted this lower rate of interest, the down side being that the Select account came with a monthly fee of £5 for the privilege. I was told categorically at the time that I had to have a Select account in order to have a Select loan and that this account had to be maintained throughout the period of the loan. So as you can see the account fee of £5 over the course of the loans soon adds up to a tidy some. To add insult to injury this £5 increased to £7 in April 2005. Total spent on account fees to date (Nov 2007): £294 My initial question is this: As it is a requirement to hold a Select account of which the fees are part and parcel then should these fees be included in the loan agreement in calculating the total charge for credit? The following is taken from the loan T&C’s Before the loan is made, you will nominate a current account either with us or with another financial institution which accepts direct debits. If you already have a current account with us this must be the nominated account. When we make the loan the cash loan will be made into the nominated account. You will then maintain this account until the loan has been repaid in full. Note there is no mention of having to have a Select account for the loan, in fact the T&C’s are identical to those for a graduate loan. I have as of yet to find any corroborating evidence that indeed a Select account is a requirement for a Select loan but I am still looking. What I do have is evidence that I upgraded to the Select account at the time of taking out the loan but that doesn’t really prove anything. In the event that a Select account is not a requirement then I believe the Account was mis-sold to me and I should be entitled to a refund of all fees paid to date. In the event that indeed it is a requirement then I believe the loan agreement does not include all the required terms and I should be entitled to a rebate of all fees paid. Does anyone else have any experience of LloydsTSB select loans/accounts and the reclaiming of the account fees? cheers SKB

Hi Chris As a very rough calculation and based on 276 payments of £267 its about £9600. Additionally again based on the above your going to be repaying a minimum of £73000 on a £30000 loan; with the way interest rates are going this can only increase. If there is any way you can afford to pay more in order to reduce the loan period I would seriously consider refinancing without PPI over a shorter timescale. If you believe you really need PPI it can be obtained much cheaper if obtained separately from an independent source skb

A word of advice, never ever ever use kwik fit. I know of no-one who has a good story to tell about them, myself included. The warranty for life on brakes and pads might sound tempting but the constant hassle and brazen attempts to rip you off certainly arnt For advice for properly bedding-in your brakes see here. Note that if you dont do it right your brakes are more likely to squeak and brake unevenly skb

deleted cos im an idiot

Not sure if its the right one but a quick look on ISO website gives: Horology -- Water-resistant watches ISO 2281:1990 was released in 1990 (ISO 6425:1996 for divers watches) Abstract: Specifies the designation, requirements, test methods and marking for such watches with or without an additional indication of an overpressure. Watertight means intended for ordinary daily use during exercises under water for a short period under conditions where water pressure and temperature vary. Does not apply to diver's watches (on this see ISO 6425). Im sure i've bought watches much more recent than this that said waterproof so it may well be that its not been that well enforced. First looked into it bought 2 years ago when I bought a watch for snorkelling in Oz that was 50m water resistant - it leaked at about 2m which is about as deep as my smoke ravaged lungs can take me before I come gasping up for air Darkangel, exactly what kind of misuse are they claiming the watch has been subjected to?? If your mum has been scuba diving down to 200m and its only rated to 50m then fair play, but somehow I doubt this as any scuba diver worth his/her salt, ie is still alive, would use a proper diving watch. Other than that it is I believe upto them to prove that its been misused i.e visible signs of damage by being knocked, banged, trop upon or hit with a hammer etc. If they cant do that they're going to have to fix it IMHO. Question is, is it worth the hassle? skb

Hi DA Sorry BW but Waterproof is now an illegal term since The International Organization for Standardization issued a standard for water resistant watches which prohibits the term waterproof to be used. Basically because nothing can be guaranteed to be 100% waterproof as the term would imply. The watch is made water resistant by use of a gasket and a sealant applied to the case which forms a water tight seal. When a watch is dismantled for repair ideally a new gasket should be fitted and a fresh coating of sealant applied, if this has not been done then it is likely the watch will leak. Additionally as BW pointed out shocks or bangs to the watch can effect its water resistance or using it in conditions it is not designed for. Given the number of times its been in for repair im more inclined to think its to do with the gasket and sealant. It may therefore be worth asking WH Samuel what a ‘full service’ entails and if the gasket has been replaced The water resistance ratings on watches can be quite deceiving, for example a watch with a 50m rating can only be used while showering, bathing, dishwashing, and swimming in shallow water and not diving down to 50m as the rating would suggest. This is because watches are pressure rated in STILL water, so if you could dive down to 50m without moving you would be ok, but as soon as you moved you would be subjecting the watch to higher pressure and thus causing it to leak. The different water resistance ratings and what they actually mean are: Water resistant - Will withstand splashes of water or rain but should not be worn while swimming or diving. 50 meter - Suitable while showering, bathing, dishwashing, and swimming in shallow water 100 meter - Suitable while swimming and snorkelling 150 meter - Suitable for general water sports and snorkelling 200 meter - Suitable for general water sports, including skin diving Diver's 150 meter – Meets ISO standards for scuba diving Diver’s 200 meter - Meets ISO standards for scuba diving skb

Hi Ali Ian is right you only need one SAR and one cheque for £10 to get all the info you need on all the loans you've had with BH. I used a SAR against Lloyds which got me everything they had on me which you may find useful. Can be found here. Feel free to use it but add in about that you want info from previous company good luck skb

Death by ebilling?? Im concerned that this has happened enough times for them to actually write it into their T&Cs?

Hi Only a court can mark a CCJ as satisfied (not that it will make any difference as far as obtaining credit goes) so you need to send proof of settlement of the debt to the court that issued the CCJ together with a fee (£10 i think) and they will inform the CRAs. skb

Do these fees apply to cases that have already been filed? For instance if my GF manages to get the stay lifted on her case will she then have to pay the £300 hearing fee?? Its absolutely disgusting imho if that is the case skb

Hi Detemind If you start by having a read through this which contains guidance and templates on your first moves. If you then start a thread detailing which financial bandits your up against, how much the loan was for, interests rates etc then you get answers to any questions/problems that arise skb

Hi All Its been a long battle but have finally won. Cash is now in my account and well on the way to being spent http://www.consumeractiongroup.co.uk/forum/ppi/46496-hhmmmm-very-interesting.html well happy skb

Thankyou for your support Kenny. Time for a joyous little update. Recieved a letter about a week ago from complaints dept stating that as 8 weeks had passed since my initial complaint i was now elligible to take the issue to the FOS. In the meantime they would continue to look into the issues raised but needed more time owing age of some of the loans. I had just started preparing my LBA and getting things together for filing at the county court earlier this week when I received a msg on my answer phone (I was in a meeting at work at the time) asking me to call them back to discuss a settlement offer. I dutifully called them back and spoke to a nice man, whom I shall refer to as Mr C to spare him his blushes, who basically said that without any admission of wrong doing etc on their part they were willing to make me an offer. There was however a discrepancy between my calculations and theirs to the effect that the offer was £6 more than what I asked for. I of course have accepted and eagerly await their formal written offer which Mr C has sent to me first class. It should hopefully be on my doormat when I get home from work today. I cheekily asked him what he thought of the spreadsheets I had submitted and he said he had passed them onto their account dept who had been very impressed with them. To tell the truth to be within £6 of their calculated amount when spread over 3 loans and several yeaers, with missed payments, additional payments, early settlements, early settlement fees, partial rebates due to early settlement and erroneous additional payments on already settled loans is nothing short of amazing, especially considering I failed A level maths. So once I have signed and returned their offer of settlement the money should be in my account within between 5 and 21 working days. Total claimed comes to £2601 Woohooooooooo. :-) skb:-)

bump..

Ok, sent off a request to remove the stay together with an application for remission of the £35 costs and a covering letter explaining the situation to sheffield court. Yesterday received this reply: Im confused because they have made no mention of the application to remove the stay or of the application for remission from fees. What exactly is a listing and why do we have to pay £65 for the privilege? Can we get around having to pay the fee because that is £65 we cant afford to pay?? skb