Hi Happyhippy. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, and I hope that there might be something in it that will help you in some way.
I struggle with the never ending rollercoaster ride that has been this on/off threat of repossession and some people have said to me that they don't understand why I don't just let it go. They are the people who have never faced this sort of situation. Truth be told, if I was in a situation where I could CHOOSE to move because I could afford to then I would probably have gone a while ago, however repossession is different altogether and is out of your control due to lack of money. It isn't like moving house to somewhere else that you look forward to making your home and getting on with your life, it is being kicked out when you are at your most vulnerable, and not having any idea what the future holds.
That said though, I have come to realise that I am no longer holding onto the memories, and if I am hanging onto anything at all then it is my own space. Once we are at my relatives we won't have the luxury of much space and my chances of being alone at any point in the day is about zero! I have cleared this house to the point that it looks like we have almost gone already and I have been really surprised at how little I have missed from belongings that I once thought meant so much. If nothing else, what this somewhat ridiculous situation has bought home to me is what is really important to my life. Being together is important and being family is important. Owning the latest 3D tv might be nice, but it isn't necessary. And anyway, they are far too expensive at the moment - another couple of years and they will be giving them away!!
Obviously I have kept anything that means anything, but when you realise that you have reduced the contents of the house and loft to about 30 boxes that fit very neatly into the garage then you realise that you have only hoarded lots of dust collecting things for too long. In some ways I have found it very satisfying to get rid of so much junk, it has cleared my head and makes me feel better. Taking your unwanted things to the local charity shop, or getting rid of something on eBay is very theraputic.
I was gutted when Mr B left, although I didn't feel it immediately. All I felt really was relief that we weren't going to have to put up with one another anymore, I didn't give much thought to how I would manage financially. Mr B has made himself very scarce, no forwarding address and only a mobile phone number for contact, but he does put maintainance money into my bank account to help when he has some to give, so I am not going to be overly critical of him. Yes, I could get it all written down by a court that I want x amount every month, but if he doesn't have it to give then chasing him through the courts is only going to cost me more money and make him even more miserable. I think he is a very scared man for many reasons and despite my sometimes cynical outlook on life, I have no intentions of kicking a man when he is down. I have no desire to be vindictive - the marriage did have some happy times and the boys are a real blessing - I want to look forwards and not back. It certainly can feel like you're not having much of a life, so if you can live under the assumption that things can only get better, maybe that is a start to looking for something more positive.
When the house does go, and it will sooner rather than later, I will try to look on it as a positive thing. That doesn't mean that I won't be scared of what lies ahead, of whether there will be debt and hassle from a less than perfect mortgage company (I am truly sick of their patronising attitude when you call them. Most of their representatives are probably about 25 and still live at home with ma & pa, yet they are talking down to you as if you are the lowest of the low!), of whether or not I can manage financially, but it does mean moving on and away from what has been at times an unhappy past.
I hope this hasn't sounded too depressing:oops:, I have tried to let you see how I am trying to get my head around moving on from the things that I thought were important and perhaps the secret to it is being 'grown up', if you know what I mean. I have a friend who is going through divorce at the moment and it is going to be a difficult one. There is so much name calling and mud slinging and letters flying backwards and forwards between solicitors arguing over the tiniest of things, and children caught in the middle of it. I think it is all so sad, and I am grateful that I have not fallen into the same trap. Personally, I would rather spend my money on my children's food and clothing than give it all to a solicitor just so that I can insist that I want to keep the bl**dy juicer!! If I can help you in anyway then you only have to ask. People who have contributed to this thread have kept me going and I can't thank them enough. When someone has been there, seen it and done and are prepared to talk about their experiences, it is a tremendous help and you really don't feel so alone.
Oh, by the way, you are allowed to cry. For a while I couldn't cry, it just wouldn't happen, but once I did I felt like it would never stop. It did me the world of good and now I consider it all part of my therapy. I give you permission to do the same