Rebecca, lives with her mum about 8 miles down the road from me.

She will turn 13 soon & always, I have seen her as my real Daughter ever since she was born. HOWEVER somethings become apparent to me as I try my level best to do the best I can by her always. I'll outline the situation...

When my ex was carrying (from around Jan 2002) we had recently, amicably broken up but quite possibly there was a conception there with me as the logical Father... buuuuut, also another person was apparently also a strong possibility. Now this had played on my mind a lot during that time right up until Rebecca's birth. From that moment on I felt she was mine & it was generally agreed upon by all concerned that this was so.

My ex however, did not name 'anybody' on the certificate (ive since found out she could have put anybody on the certificate anyway, & if she had know this was ok to, would have named me on the BCert.

The other chap previously a contender as father, was actually someone I'd known for some years, albeit not closely, just from seeing around.

He had already conceived a son (now 20'something) who lived with his mum (my ex).

And he has since had problems of his own, his son Stuart has hardly ever seen him & he has been in prison, had serious drink problem, generally fell on hard times but abandoning any role as father to Rebecca's stepbrother & indeed not making any claim as Rebecca possibly being his. (sorry this is going on a bit but i think the details important).

So for years nothing more is thought about who might be the dna proved correct father but as i'm 99% convinced she's mine, life goes on.

Now... The last coupla years has raised some questions...

I have ms & I am closer to 50 than 40 for my age so the thought of leaving a will had been circling my mind & even suggested at by family (as the sensible thing to do, not due to any impending fatality particularly).

I have some savings to leave to Rebecca & should the worst happen, my Family agreed, in fact it was suggested by them, that anything of monies should go to my Daughter, which quite surprised me at the time.

As I said earlier I was never named initially on BCert way back then, but I have paid (since Sep of 2014) a voluntary stipend of money to my ex to help her out & to give Rebecca (via the same monies) five per week pocket money.

Twenty for Rebecca then & forty also for her care but managed by her mum. Sixty per month all in all.

So with quite a bit already paid out & with Bec heading to an inheritance of any monies saved

all looks pretty good. It is driving me crazy though lately, that a small% chance could exist

whereby she is not actually mine but this other chaps. A small but increasingly an 'I need to know' percentage.

It's got to the point where I have clearly stated, that for the sensible obvious legal reasons & for peace of mind, a swab DNA is needed & that I didn't feel I could pay her the usual monthly money until this was settled, but have assured her of saving it as a 'backpay' for her when we know for sure one way or the other. You see, if the worst came to the worst, I wouldn't, could not, love Bec any less, I'd carry on to do my best at being a 'stepdad' cos it's gone this far & she's a great (albeit very very rebellious girl of late lol) but the fact remains of this one indiscretion at the time of Bec's conception casting a shadow on it all & without DNA confiming I just cant feel at peace about this third party (npi'd) support for which up to now I have constantly provided to her mother.

End of facts as I know them *phew*!

I've talked to Bec's mum about it & said i'd willingly pay for the test as well. Once I knew who to see, where to go etc.

So please, please, anyone... if they can outline next steps to take & reputable source for the tests, or indeed any protocols which would help speed this process up I would be extremely grateful. The mother, is on long term benefit, I am aware that maintenance may be involved once I am placed on the Birth Certificate offically (only it seems, by way of the DNA test I think can this be done this far down the line??)

I just want to help anyway i can but not throw the lot away if this 1% doubt ive in question of who father becomes a proven 100% that she is NOT mine. Thanks in advance any caggers who respond & thanks for your patience, reading through all that!

Rebecca, lives with her mum about 8 miles down the road from me.

She will turn 13 soon & always, I have seen her as my real Daughter ever since she was born. HOWEVER somethings become apparent to me as I try my level best to do the best I can by her always. I'll outline the situation...

 

When my ex was carrying (from around Jan 2002) we had recently, amicably broken up but quite possibly there was a conception there with me as the logical Father... buuuuut, also another person was apparently also a strong possibility. Now this had played on my mind a lot during that time right up until Rebecca's birth. From that moment on I felt she was mine & it was generally agreed upon by all concerned that this was so.

 

My ex however, did not name 'anybody' on the certificate (ive since found out she could have put anybody on the certificate anyway, & if she had know this was ok to, would have named me on the BCert.

 

The other chap previously a contender as father, was actually someone I'd known for some years, albeit not closely, just from seeing around.

He had already conceived a son (now 20'something) who lived with his mum (my ex).

And he has since had problems of his own, his son Stuart has hardly ever seen him & he has been in prison, had serious drink problem, generally fell on hard times but abandoning any role as father to Rebecca's stepbrother & indeed not making any claim as Rebecca possibly being his. (sorry this is going on a bit but i think the details important).

 

So for years nothing more is thought about who might be the dna proved correct father but as i'm 99% convinced she's mine, life goes on.

 

Now... The last coupla years has raised some questions...

 

I have ms & I am closer to 50 than 40 for my age so the thought of leaving a will had been circling my mind & even suggested at by family (as the sensible thing to do, not due to any impending fatality particularly).

 

I have some savings to leave to Rebecca & should the worst happen, my Family agreed, in fact it was suggested by them, that anything of monies should go to my Daughter, which quite surprised me at the time.

 

As I said earlier I was never named initially on BCert way back then, but I have paid (since Sep of 2014) a voluntary stipend of money to my ex to help her out & to give Rebecca (via the same monies) five per month pocket money.

 

So with quite a bit already paid out & with Bec heading to an inheritance of any monies saved

all looks pretty good. It is driving me crazy though lately, that a small% chance could exist

whereby she is not actually mine but this other chaps. A small but increasingly an 'I need to know' percentage.

 

It's got to the point where I have clearly stated, that for the sensible obvious legal reasons & for peace of mind, a swab DNA is needed & that I didn't feel I could pay her the usual monthly money until this was settled, but have assured her of saving it as a 'backpay' for her when we know for sure one way or the other. You see, if the worst came to the worst, I wouldn't, could not, love Bec any less, I'd carry on to do my best at being a 'stepdad' cos it's gone this far & she's a great (albeit very very rebellious girl of late lol) but the fact remains of this one indiscretion at the time of Bec's conception casting a shadow on it all & without DNA confiming I just cant feel at peace about this third party (npi'd) support for which up to now I have constantly provided to her mother.

 

End of facts as I know them *phew*!

 

I've talked to Bec's mum about it & said i'd willingly pay for the test as well. Once I knew who to see, where to go etc.

 

So please, please, anyone... if they can outline next steps to take & reputable source for the tests, or indeed any protocols which would help speed this process up I would be extremely grateful. The mother, is on long term benefit, I am aware that maintenance may be involved once I am placed on the Birth Certificate offically (only it seems, by way of the DNA test I think can this be done this far down the line??)

I just want to help anyway i can but not throw the lot away if this 1% doubt ive in question of who father becomes a proven 100% that she is NOT mine. Thanks in advance any caggers who respond & thanks for your patience, reading through all that!

Are you willing to loose being viewed by her as her "Dad", based on your doubts as to her biological father?.

If you won't love her any less / treat her less favourably if a test shows you didn't father her : why get the test?.

If you would love her less / treat her less favourably if the test shows you didn't father her : she'll know that if she tests "not yours". But, even if she tests "yours" :she'll know your "love" for her was conditional.

So, get the test if it is that important to you.

However, she may them feel that the test result was more important to you (whichever the result!) than how important she is to you. So, whatever the test result shows you stand to loose a daughter's love.

You say you wouldn't love her any less. I don't get that impression from the rest of your post, though.

She also may not be getting that message though, as you are already holding back the monthly money you give her, and are considering changing your will.

https://www.gov.uk/dna-testing-parentage-disagreements

Gives a list of labs whose testing protocols gives results the CSA would rely on to decide regarding child support / maintenance.

Thanks for the link Bazzas.

I think you misunderstand me. You see, as my own flesh & blood (if that being the case) there is not a thing I would not do for her, even if ultimately that would mean parting with every last saving i had, which as my own, yes would be hers, so come death or circumstance or however was necessary, my one and only child in this world would have whatever help necessary to get the best out of her life.

But, if the news was that she had not been mine all this time then paying a monthly amount to her mum given that we are both on benefits & live apart & not together becomes a rather more taskful thing to do, it would be different then you see. Not because I would think any less of Bec, I would never do that, but financing her mums life life as well as hers, well, that's when I start feeling a bit of a mug in this precarious situation. Hence again, needing to know, if I am her biological parent.

Not only that... but for anything legal, & this includes wills of course, being the biological father cuts out a lot of the red tape & generally just makes things easy when anything requiring documentation is needed.

It's not easy you know being in this position, but it's mainly the 'just not knowing for absolutely 100% certainty that cuts me to the core sometimes, especially the times when Bec is 'not making school attendance hardly at all', & 'under the watchful of social workers due to this truancy & seems to have a very hurtful way of lying & manipulating people a lot (so common unfortunately,it seems in this generation). YES i want to keep the unconditional love & patience to help her manage & get through her schooling & be a rock for her if/when she just needs a roof over her head or a shoulder to cry on, but for to have been taken for a 'mug' all this time, I just can't be doing with that. It's a hard situation but I guess the old adage is true, blood is thicker than water & a much stronger emotional bond.

But all that said, & put aside, the certification needs sortings so the dna really IS required anyways.

Is it not possible the council registrations dept would not also have this testing facility for the late adding in of fathers on Bcert's?? or the NHS

Again, all help appreciated for the 'correct way of doing this' I just want to get it resolved asap.

You need to take into account the views of the child. She is 13, becoming an adult. You do not know if she is your biological offspring or not.

She has become a teenager, if that has not screwed her up already, what do you think this news will do to her?

Just my opinion on this

Why not approach her when she turns 18 with your concerns when she will be mature enough to handle it. I am sorry but the way this sounds is that you want confirmation for your own peace of mind, not what is in the best interest of the child. And yes she is still a child

No offence meant, just me being my normal obnoxious self

Thanks for the link Bazzas.

 

I think you misunderstand me. You see, as my own flesh & blood (if that being the case) there is not a thing I would not do for her, even if ultimately that would mean parting with every last saving i had, which as my own, yes would be hers, so come death or circumstance or however was necessary, my one and only child in this world would have whatever help necessary to get the best out of her life.

 

But, if the news was that she had not been mine all this time then paying a monthly amount to her mum given that we are both on benefits & live apart & not together becomes a rather more taskful thing to do, it would be different then you see. Not because I would think any less of Bec, I would never do that, but financing her mums life life as well as hers, well, that's when I start feeling a bit of a mug in this precarious situation. Hence again, needing to know, if I am her biological parent.

Not only that... but for anything legal, & this includes wills of course, being the biological father cuts out a lot of the red tape & generally just makes things easy when anything requiring documentation is needed.

 

It's not easy you know being in this position, but it's mainly the 'just not knowing for absolutely 100% certainty that cuts me to the core sometimes, especially the times when Bec is 'not making school attendance hardly at all', & 'under the watchful of social workers due to this truancy & seems to have a very hurtful way of lying & manipulating people a lot (so common unfortunately,it seems in this generation). YES i want to keep the unconditional love & patience to help her manage & get through her schooling & be a rock for her if/when she just needs a roof over her head or a shoulder to cry on, but for to have been taken for a 'mug' all this time, I just can't be doing with that. It's a hard situation but I guess the old adage is true, blood is thicker than water & a much stronger emotional bond.

 

But all that said, & put aside, the certification needs sortings so the dna really IS required anyways.

 

Is it not possible the council registrations dept would not also have this testing facility for the late adding in of fathers on Bcert's?? or the NHS

 

Again, all help appreciated for the 'correct way of doing this' I just want to get it resolved asap.

If the issue is you feel you don't want to give her Mum money that she is spending on herself (and not your daughter) : Don't give her Mum the money then.

Spend the money on your daughter (emotionally your daughter, even if not biologically your daughter), if need be by opening a joint bank account that you pay in to and that needs both yours and her mother's signature for withdrawals.

Clothes? Holidays? : withdraw money for that.

Tell your daughter : "I don't care who your biological parent is, I'll always be your Dad"

If you want to insist on a paternity test and are worried about the legal consequences of not being her biological father : why not tell her "I want to get the test done for those legal reasons, if it turns out I'm not your biological Dad, how would you feel about me adopting you, to avoid those legal pitfalls"

At present, unless you are careful to offer her that reassurance, there is the risk it will look like you are punishing her for an indiscretion of her mother 13/14 years ago. (If you had broken up at the time : was it that great an indiscretion?)

It might have been better to address this earlier, when she was younger. What effect do you think you asking for a paternity test will have on her?

If the issue is you feel you don't want to give her Mum money that she is spending on herself (and not your daughter) : Don't give her Mum the money then.

 

Spend the money on your daughter (emotionally your daughter, even if not biologically your daughter), if need be by opening a joint bank account that you pay in to and that needs both yours and her mother's signature for withdrawals.

Clothes? Holidays? : withdraw money for that.

 

Tell your daughter : "I don't care who your biological parent is, I'll always be your Dad"

If you want to insist on a paternity test and are worried about the legal consequences of not being her biological father : why not tell her "I want to get the test done for those legal reasons, if it turns out I'm not your biological Dad, how would you feel about me adopting you, to avoid those legal pitfalls"

 

At present, unless you are careful to offer her that reassurance, there is the risk it will look like you are punishing her for an indiscretion of her mother 13/14 years ago. (If you had broken up at the time : was it that great an indiscretion?)

 

It might have been better to address this earlier, when she was younger. What effect do you think you asking for a paternity test will have on her?

Agree, and also from what you've said, eskimoman, it almost sounds like you're punishing her for her behaviour as well - she's playing up and you then want to confirm if she's really yours. I'd have been devastated as a kid. You're not just withdrawing money from the mum, you're withdrawing money, and probably by her perception, love too from Rebecca. You say she's no different from your real daughter, but evidently she is.

This whole blood is thicker than water stuff is rubbish. My view from what you've written is that you don't want to support the girl any more, either financially or emotionally, and if that's the case why not just say so? If you don't feel you're lying to us about this, then you may well be lying to yourself about your motives.

You can leave your money to who you like - blood means nothing. You can choose to financially support a child you love regardless of being a father.

Think carefully before you make your next move, you could permanently destroy your relationship with Rebecca, and cause trauma to her at a difficult time in a girl's life. Poor kid must feel like you're rejecting her, or saying that she's only worth something if she has your blood - another way of saying that you don't value her for herself.