My wife's spending secret - Help needed

[honey5]

im sorry to say but if you cant over comne this hurt youre feeling towards your wife/partner then staying together for the sake of your daughter is going to make you all miserable
i hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you all
honey x

[johnwalker]

Still waiting for confirmation the loan has been canceled. The personal loan guy at the bank doesn't seem to be a man of action so I asked my wife to call their H.O.

They said that as we have asked for the loan to be canceled it will be but to get it sorted asap they will need to speak to someone - This will be Monday, so my wife will call them again.

My wife is waiting for a letter from CAB which will ask her to call to arrange an appointment with a debt person. This effectively means our life is on hold.

[Goldlady]

I really do feel for you, what a horrible situation. Can I just ask, how much equity is there in the house? If there is not a great deal then it might make sense for her to go bankrupt.

[boston3603]

Hello. I can sense your anguish jumping off the page, I am so sorry you are in this mess.
I have, over a period of years built up debts to the amount of 41 thousand. The reasons for this dont matter, lets just say something bad happened and I fell to pieces. Drink and comfort spending took over. My relationship with hubby was not good for many reasons, which worsened my drinking and spending.
Buy now pay later offers, credit cards in my name and fraudulently taken out in my husbands name. 6 cards in all, 7 catalogues, loans and topping up loans. My cheapest catalogue monthly payment was £184 . In April it came down to feeding kids or paying catalogue bills. I have severe depression anyway and I considered suicide. I ended up seeing my doctor who told me to go to the CAB. They said the debts ARE the responsibility for both parties despite who took them out. You have to BOTH go and have a financial statement made out to send to the creditors and whether the creditors agree or not, make the payments allocated in statement. This statement has to be signed by BOTH of you.
Do NOT risk using money invested oN your home to pay these debts off.....YET...UNLESS YOU CAN CLEAR ALL THE DEBT. Do not pay the bigger debt off first. What you have leftover after your usual monthly spend, plus all other expenses needs to be shared fairly and proportionately. The CAB have a special computer which does this. They will ask you to consider bankrupcy, you may be forced to court so that the judge decides you have enough assets to clear the debt. LAST RESORT THOUGH.
Christ, I do understand how bad you are feeling. In my own defence, I was so hurt , communication stopped and I found new ways of "coping".
You must though, have noticed something. New perfume, jewellery, clothes, bags, excuses to go out, sitting at the computer, household items, etc?? My husband noticed, but shut it out. So he became part of the problem because he didnt want to face the real problems. It makes no difference whether you leave you partner or not. The debts are there.
You may find, like me and hubby that this is the hardest time you will ever have, but BELIEVE ME, you will not feel as miserable as she is deep down, especially when she discovers that the debt she has incurred in your name ARE her responsibility also.
I am at that stage now, where I can cope with the constant calls from creditors because they know if they try to bankrupt us, they still get the same amount, except only for one year, then the bankrupcy is lifted. Fortunately for me, I have my inheritance before long so I can clear all these debts and walk out the other end, having learned some very important lessons. DO NOT haggle with ANY of the creditors, no-matter what. They will lie in order to get money out of you. The CAB will inform them of your rights about being harrassed. Let the CAB help you. They dont care whats caused the debt, only to stop your life being made worse. They will put everything in perspective and you will feel in control again. Your wife should respect you for it. The CAB will want all the credit cards back, make a file of who the creditors are and will support you with judging either of you. You may, at the end of it all wish to leave your wife. You may even discover new and more likeable things in each other having been through this traumer. Your wife though, needs to have some cognitive behavioural therapy in order to change her thought patterns, sos not to get into this mess again. Whether you are with her or not if she dont sort this out with you, sh'ell do it to the next person.
I am so very sorry my part in our financial mess but I am proud to be taking responsibility now and looking after our finances. I am sorry you ahve suffered for your wifes mistakes and hope all works out for you. Do take care, try to stay strong.

[boston3603]

thats support you WITHOUT judging you.

[maz1964]

I am too very sorry to have seen your thread and can understand your hurt and mistrust.

I seen all the posts and especially boston3603 - understanding is huge to expect you to do at this moment in time, but perhaps your wife is suffering from depression - lots of people do and hide it well until they admit it to themselves first which is the first step to recovery.

Pls dont think im trying to make excuses for her, im not i totally understand what you are saying and how this has affected you.

if any of the debts are in her sole name then she should take responsibility for those and like boston says cab can help, im on a dmp myself for my sole debts and national debtline have been wonderful to me. (my husband aware of my debts i just didnt want him to be affected by the process of the dmp) - their site is informative too .
The debts she has raised jointly then yes you are both legally responsible and unfortunately the only out is to admit the fraud and that would cause more damage especially to your daughter.

I do hope that you can resolve this in the long term, its not fun being unhappy and once the financial implications are resolved and the emotional thoughts and feelings are put aside, for the sake of yourself and your marriage, you need to talk perhaps with a mediator, get yourselves back to a point where you can live your lives happily with your daughter.

I really hope you can work through this - trust is very hard to repair once broken i do understand that. You seem a caring guy and reading between the lines i think you are in shock and disbelief that this has happened to you.

I hope i have not offended you with anything ive said, never my intention, just wanted to say a little on behalf of your wife too, she may need help too and if she is suffering from depression - let me assure you its not a nice thing to go through because it does affect the family in the end too.

For your clarity and your understanding you do need to ask her to be honest with you and explain why she did what she did, she hopefully will tell you the truth and then you both can move on in the right direction.

I wish you both the best of luck and just remember amongst all the fog, you have a fab daughter together, who is a blessing and a joy to you both.
A true precious gift that you both care for and who deserves you both to be happy.

God bless and keep happy

Ciao MAZ

[MARTIN3030]

A sad story.Only you can decide where you go from here.Its possible to love someone even when they hurt you-if your Love is stronger for them than theirs for you.I think its right to say if you really love someone then you dont do anything to hurt that person.
When you live with someone for so long you think you know them and then things like this happen.I agree that you cant say because you have a 9 year old daughter that you have to stay together.It will put a strain on things anyway because things have happened which has breached trust...its good that you came here to share it I guess the opinions voiced here will give you some support-whatever you decide lets hope its ok.
Your judgements either way for the moment will reflect on your feelings now,it will take time to forgive but much longer to forget.

[Bona]

it seems to me , and i not condoning the situation that your wifes probems may well be much more than getting into debt perhaps this was way out for here ( wrongley concieved) for your Daughters sake as if you say she is sensative she well know somethings wrong make an appoitment with a marriage councelor/ doctor im sure you can work through this im sure you feel betrayed but it seems to me that you feel your priorities are to your daughter and punishing your wife for the next 9 years isnt going to help here you know are aware of the problem and should be able to have safe gaurds leave the debt in her name but make sure yu have access to all her finances with her permission take it day by day and in a few months things may start to mend

[boston3603]

Hello again. I have been thinking about your situation all day and I do hope you are all right. Your anger is quite justifiable as it comes from feeling betrayed, used and unimportant. You WILL get through this....although it will test you both. Your wife has to go through this process and when she does, she will sit your daughter down and explain the error of her ways. She will be able to tell her there are better ways of dealing with negative emotions because lessons will have been learned.
I do believe, no-matter what age we are, when things go wrong, we use the same coping skills we used when we were young and for many, they are not good ones. You are going to find this tough, but you will regain control over your hard earned money. Your wife, should feel relieved that her problems have been discovered ,despite her shame. I will be thinking about you and hope all goes well.
Take care
Hazel

[johnwalker]

Thanks for all your posts

Well the loan has now been canceled. I must say YB are lousy and we had to hassle them to cancel it.

We'd booked a holiday months ago and after we've taken that in 3 weeks time she has to call CAB to make an appointment with a debt advisor.

I'll let you know what happens.

[yourbank]

Good Luck and keep the chin up. The above posters that also gave some good advice even though it may be tough to read it.

[NitrousOxide]

There's been some good advice here.
Don't be afraid to ask us anything else either.
You mentioned insurance on the loan. I would possibly post in the PPI section to see if it was mis-sold. It would at least ease the pressure a bit.
Also ask her what her payment history was like, you may be able to recover at least a little bit.
These situations are never nice, I feel for you and hope you get to sort it out. Like I said though we are always here if you need us.

[johnwalker]

My wife has started to receive replies from the credit card companies after she wrote to them (as per CAB instructions).

Halifax look like they will be nasty
Evans look the same
Tesco are ok
M & S are ok

The person at the YB, the guy who was supposed to cancel the new loan and didn't, did not put a stop on the existing loan as he said he would do in a letter to my wife. This means the Bank has taken £170 from her own account taking her into the red by the same amount. This was Monday. Despite calls to this prat and the Bank's HO this has yet to be sorted.

I have posted the following question in another thread but no one has yet answered.

When my wife goes and sees the Debt Counsellor w/c 18th Aug, and when she has to complete a Budget report, will my income be taken into consideration when completing the form? I ask this because they debt is in her name. By taking my wage into account then I will be paying for a debt not in my name?

[johnwalker]

Just found out that when the bank canceled the loan they did not allow her to go back to the original loan but started a new one!

This means they have completely disregarded her requests. This is becoming a bloody nightmare!

[yourbank]

She needs to complain to the Customer Relations Unit of the bank it is concerned with. They cannot do that as you have cancelled the loan within the cooling off period.

[johnwalker]

YB HO were supposed to call her back today and they did not.

So she called the branch around 1pm and spoke with the Asst Manager who said she would look into things and call back. She did not!

Now it seems they have totally screwed up - they started her old loan afresh - took £200 payment out of my wife's account causing her to go £200 overdrawn. This is not the new loan in my name - it's the one she's been paying for 2 yrs using the bloody cash she took from ATMs using credit cards.

She's been passed from person to person and it absolutely sucks. They say they cant sort out the cock up as they have followed the Credit Laws - Yes, and I'm the Prince of England!