I can't sleep with everything going around my head... I feel like I'm going crazy... so I thought I'd write it down here to see what other people thought.

I recently lost a family member to cancer, such a horrible illness that took the life of a beautiful innocent child.

For years we were going back and to, to the children's hospital, seeing them go through surgeries, chemo and radiotherapy

for it to just come back and then start attacking other parts of their body.

Then to see them die, just like that.

Its taking me a long time to write this as I just keep crying and can't see the screen.

I just can't get why they had to get it in the first place, then all the years of fighting it, just for it kill them.

I am not coping well and I just keep to myself. I hate anything to do with cancer.. the word, hearing it, seeing it.

I am unemployed on JSA and I was told to go to Seetec to do a community work placement.

I go in to be told I'm being sent to a cancer centre!

I said no not there can't you find me somewhere else.

They replied you do realise this is mandatory.

Which I said yes but I've recently lost someone to cancer and I don't want to go somewhere were I'm surrounded by it.

What do you mean they said.

I reply what do I mean? I hate anything to do with cancer and your going to send me to a cancer centre at which stage I'm crying.

You wont be dealing with people having treatments they said.

But its a centre for that, there's going to be posters and leaflets everywhere I say trying to get them to understand.

What do you mean they say again why would there be posters up.

At which stage I couldn't cope and said I'd be back in a minute.

I had to go outside for some air and to get away.

I go back in to be told he doesn't like my tone and they don't see the problem in me going there.

Really I said, you don't understand why I don't want to go .

No they said they don't understand why I don't want to go and waived their hands saying lots of people have had someone die of cancer.

I can't get that out of my head. I keep replaying it over and over in my mind and its making my angry and upset.

They finish with I have to go to a interview with the place. I said and what if I get upset there.

They said this is a interview you have to conduct it in a professional manner just like any other interview.

I say buts its at a cancer place, bit different isn't it.

To which they said again what do you mean.

What do I mean?

Why do they keep saying what do you mean all the time?

How can they be that daft or heartless to not know what I mean.

It ended with them telling me I will get sanctioned if I get upset or go there with a negative attitude.

So that's it, I'm just supposed to forget about this, all the years of fighting, watching them die.

The nightmares I have.

The days I feel terrible and upset because something reminds me and everything comes flooding back like it happened yesterday.

Since this happened I feel sick, headache, upset and crying all the time.

I feel like I'm walking around in a dream / nightmare and I can't take it anymore.

I thought things are supposed to get easier with time, well its not, It seems to be getting harder

marigold2015,

A very warm welcome to CAG.

I read your post and I can hardly see it for tears. My heart goes out to you.

I understand where your coming from

I think you should consider seeing your Doctor because you sound depressed and with all this going on it is understandable.

You will find a lot of support and good advice on CAG with poeple who will "guide" you through the nightmare. ............

Trust me your in very safe hands :-D

Since this happened I feel sick, headache, upset and crying all the time.

I feel like I'm walking around in a dream / nightmare and I can't take it anymore.

I thought things are supposed to get easier with time, well its not, It seems to be getting harder

First thing:

Second: Go and see your GP. Explain to him/her how you feel, and they may be able to offer some help and support.

Next step is to file a formal complaint with the DWP regarding the insensitivity of Seetec and demand a mandatory reconsideration of the placement. It may also pay to approach your local MP and get him/her involved.

All very sound advice above, however whilst trying to sort this out you must still attend any appointments - being sanctioned isn't going to help you at all.

I'm sure you'd find the person at the cancer centre far more sensitive than your 'work coach'.

From reading your post, I think the best thing for you at the moment would be for your GP to issue a fit note so you can swap to ESA and get a bit of breathing space even if it's only for a few weeks.

Thank you all for your replies, it really means a lot

I probably have got depression, but seeing the doctor scares me for some reason because I don't want her thinking I'm just being daft or her thinking I'm crazy.

But the day I went to Seetec I would of gone straight to my doctors if they had been near because I did feel like I was losing it.

I do know I cant go back there or the jobcentre. I can't see them or speak to them again, even thinking about them is making my stomach turn. I just want to be left alone without having to worry or think about things.

Don't know what to do next at the moment

Hello there.

Your doctor should be your ally in this, they're not there to judge. If you have a medical certificate, that could get you away from the jobcentre. If you just stop going, they can stop your benefits.

HB

Yes..Honeybee is right. Please see your GP they can help. Your definately not being silly at all. In fact I think your reactions and feelings are only natural and to be expected given the situation. Please see your GP, even for a few weeks breathing space.

Please let us know how its going?

Hi Marigold and a warm welcome from me.

All the above is very relevent to you. Unless your GP is straight out of medical school, he or she WILL have seen this many, many times before and should be understanding of your situation. I do feel that you could take someone with you to assist in opening up as without the full picture, your GP may not offer the right help.

Based on what you have said above, a short course of anti depressants may help in the short term and some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) may be in order but first, you must open up.

I'm not saying anything as a medically trained individual (I'm not) but as someone who has gone through tough times in my past. It was only when I opened up to my (wonderful) GP that I got the help I needed. (counselling in my case)

MacMillan offer advice lines as do many other cancer charities but if you want to avoid anything to do with cancer, the Samaritans are another point of contact. They are there to listen and you can remain anonymous. They may be able to offer more advice than you can get from the internet.

Most importantly, see you GP please. Get that sick/fit note for starters then go from there. Little steps! :grouphug:

HI there

IN addition to the excellent advice given above.

You may want to try writing down your thoughts and feelings. This makes it easier when it comes to seeing your gp. You can use them as a guide on what to talk to the GP about. Or even just hand the record of your thoughts and feelings over to your GP.

Make a note on what you want to discuss with your GP and also record how it impacts on your day to day living. IF you can do this in a form of a diary then that is even better. Should you need to go onto ESA it may help with that process later down the line.

Kind Regards

SS

I cannot share all that you have gone through and are experiencing now, but just to add another snippet which may help.

If you feel your own GP may not be the most supportive in this matter - and not every GP is because they may not have that ability to empathise as we would hope - then ask your surgery if any GP there is the Lead Mental Health and if so, can you get to see them.

If they have any nurses attached to the practice, they may have one who is trained in counselling for the bereaved, or the GP you see may be able to refer you to a counsellor for sessions to help you cope with this.

Follow the advice here about making a complaint to the DWP, and if you cannot get the help you need from your GP in time before you have to attend the interview at the cancer centre, try and find someone who can at least go with you to the door and wait until you come out again so you are not unsupported, and you do not end up sanctioned.

Good luck and remember it is ok to feel like you are losing it and falling apart. Not having any feelings and just rigidly getting on with life is not the norm nor is it healthy. Eventually you will learn to feel better, but in your good time, not in the time that anyone else can dictate.

Marigold, firstly may condolences.

Not much more to add. Except that several years ago I did jury service. Yes, even me! I remember one case involving the abuse of a young girl we had to preside over. At the beginning of proceedings, one woman had a word with a court usher who then informed the judge. She was excused from being a juror on this particular case. Dunno what was said but one can assume she felt uncomfortable and perhaps was affected by something similar in her past.

Now, if someone can be excused from sitting as a juror in something as serious as a court case, then why the heck can someone not be excused from MWA / Workfare if sent to an industry / sector that clearly affects them? Some may say you should not be choosy about the jobs you are prepared to do, so why should MWA be any different. Except it's unlikely someone like yourself would choose paid work in a sector dealing with cancer sufferers if it clearly affects them so much. Just as a vertigo suffers will not choose to work in a job that involves ladders, cherry pickers or cranes.