Thread: Weekend Quickie

A couple found that the only way to pull off a weekend 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the house was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on what was happening.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
'There's a car being towed from the parking bay,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.'

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

He cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma

hee hee

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The
husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles further on the woman picks up a
£20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."

Husband comes home from work and sighs deeply, wife asks him what the problem is and he says:

Husband: "I am bored with my life, I fancy a change - do you think we could spice things up with a bit of role play?"

Wife: "Well i suppose honey yes....what where you thinking of?"

Husband: "I was wondering if we could swap roles....?"

Wife: "Oh that would be wonderful, you can stand for four hours ironing whilst I lie on couch, farting and picking my nose!!!"

These remind me of the story about a husband and wife who visit a sex therapist because things aren't working out. The Therapist advises them to do things spontaneously and in different places - for instance "over the freezer".

On the next visit the Therapist asks how they are getting on and the husband replies "Great, but we've been banned from Tesco".

What is long and hard and makes a woman moan like crazy..... An Ironing board

What is long and hard and makes a man call for a woman ...... An ironing board

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle
from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied

"No, I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints!"

I really was fed up when I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair……?"







Apparently it's Africa ……!!

I've decided it's time for me to sell my static caravan.










I'm sick and tired of looking like Don King every time I grab the door handle.

A little boy was crying in Tesco's so an assistant went to him and asked what was was wrong? The little boy sobbed "I've lost my Mum" The assistant starts looking around and asks "What's your Mum like?" "Big willies and Bacardi breezers" he replied.

Some idiot keeps ringing me and singing Prince Charming & Stand And Deliver down the phone, I keep telling them to go away but he's Adamant....

Your medical warning reminds me of a guy I used to work with many years ago who would say,

"My mum always told me if I masturbated I'd go blind, so I stopped when I had to start wearing glasses."

Chancer in a pub trying his luck goes up to the first girl, and thinks he's cool:

"Fancy a f***?

She looks at him disdainfully and says, "I wouldn't f*** you for practice."

Undaunted he tries again with the next girl:

"Fancy a f***?"

"No, I certainly don't," she says.

"Well lie down while I have one."

I like the old chat-up lines:

"Excuse me darlin, is your handbag big enough for the keys to my Porsche?"

"Grab your coat, you've pulled"

"How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?

"Is that a ladder in your tights or the stairway to heaven?"

"Bring your crash helmet love, you'll be banging into my headboard tonight"

And the list goes on.

I just wonder if anyone has actually succeeded with any of those. I would never dare try anything like that.

Fred

"You've got spanner eyes"

Cue puzzled look

"Every time I look into them, my nuts tighten!"

Originally Posted by Fred Bassett

I like the old chat-up lines:

"Excuse me darlin, is your handbag big enough for the keys to my Porsche?"

"Grab your coat, you've pulled"

"How do you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?

"Is that a ladder in your tights or the stairway to heaven?"

"Bring your crash helmet love, you'll be banging into my headboard tonight"

And the list goes on.

I just wonder if anyone has actually succeeded with any of those. I would never dare try anything like that.

Fred

Perhaps you need to try the "would you like to come and clean my chandeliers??" chat up line Fred