Thread: How long does the Honeymoon last for?? **ADULT**

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
When they returned, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly, she burst out crying.
"But mum, as soon as we returned, Harry started using the most horrible language.
He's been saying things I've never heard before!
All these awful 4-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home......please mum!"

"Sally, Sally," her mother said, "calm down!
Tell me, what could be so awful?
What 4-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed!
They're just too awful!
You've got to come get me and take me home......please mum!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what's making you so upset...
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words."

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, mum......words like dust, wash, iron, cook..."

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Been reading my diary MTM?

U got the BJ kegs??...


...pmsl...

Newlyweds 1st day

A young couple had just got married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.

In the morning, the mother prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs, and called for the newlyweds to come down to eat.
After a long wait, the family decided to eat without them.
The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The groom's younger brother said, "Mummy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunchtime, the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat.
After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat and, after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat."
Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.

At dinnertime, once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set exquisitely and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner.
After another long wait, the mother once again began wondering why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mummy, I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he took my crazy glue instead."

Horny Housewife

Sally has been married to Harry for a while now, yet she is so horny that every time her husband goes away on a business trip, she invites not one, not two, but three men to come over and play hide the trouser snake.

One time when her husband was leaving for a business trip, she had three men lined up to come over right away.
However, this time Harry forgot his passport at home so he had to rush back as fast as he could.

When Sally heard the door open, she told all the men to hide somewhere.
The first guy hid under the bed, the second in the wardrobe and the third out on the balcony.

Harry walks into the room and sees his wife standing naked and asks, "Sally? Why are you naked?"

She immediately claims that she was changing into her PJs for a quick nap.
But then Harry hears something under the bed.
He finds the first guy under the bed and exclaims, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here???"

The guy pulls a fast one and says "I'm a carpenter, and your wife sent for me to come and fix the bed... it's fine now."

Harry sighs and says, "Okay, how much do I owe you?"

Harry gives the man £20, as he requested, and tells him to get the f*ck out of his sight.

He then opens up the wardrobe to get his passport from the drawer and sees yet another guy.

"Who the hell are you???" he shouts.

"Your wife sent me to come and fix the wardrobe because it had some loose hinges on the inside," he proclaims.

Harry just sighs it off again and says, "Okay, here's £20, now get the f*ck out of my sight!"

While all this is going on, the man outside on the balcony is looking through the window and all he sees is Sally's husband giving these guys some money.

So wanting his share as well, he barges through the balcony door blurting, "I was sleeping with her too! I was sleeping with her too!"

Price of marriage

Harry and Sally were married for 25 years.
They decided to celebrate with a trip to Croydon.
When they entered the hotel and checked in, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.
Harry brushed her off rather rudely.
Sally objected, "Harry, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."

"Sally, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet, young thing?

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, Harry called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?"
She did.
Soon, there was a knock on the door.
Harry opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.

Harry asked, "How much do you charge?"

"£125 basic rate, £100 tips for special services."

Harry was taken aback. "£125! I was thinking more in the range of £25."

Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a grockel if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said Harry, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Sally came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."

Harry said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails,
Candie came up behind Harry, pointed slyly at Sally, and said, "See what you get for £25?"

Oooer missus...The Thread title has 'gained' an ADULT rating?!...


...lol...

S & M

Wendy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation.
They begin to talk and bring each other up-to-date.
The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Wendy said, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great ever since we got into S&M."

Wendy is aghast. "Really, Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores while I m*st*rb*t*!"

Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I am at the the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it okay if I buy it, sweetie?"

Man: "Sure...... go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one that I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "£60,000"

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing......the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

Man: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer £895,000."

Woman: "Okay. Thank you darling......you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Autumn Years

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon.
Sally and Harry, both in their 70s, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their patio swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Harry turned his head and said to Sally, "Scr*w you, Sally!"

A minute or two went by.
Then Sally turned her head toward Harry and calmly replied, "Scr*w you, Harry."

Again, another minute passed, and Harry said to Sally, "Scr*w you, Sally."

Another minute went by, and Sally said to Harry, "Scr*w you, Harry."

Yet another minute elapsed, and Harry responded to Sally, "Scr*w you, Sally."

A minute later, Sally said to Harry, "Scr*w you, Harry."

There was no reply......just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Harry turned to Sally and said, "I don't know about you Sally, but I really don't get too much out of this Oral Sex!"

Nearly Weds

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says, "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies, "get your own damn blanket!"

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.....
He said "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'
"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'
"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'
"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm, "said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here try these on."
So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine."
So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."
Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

A Wife's Devotion

Two blokes were in a pub talking about how highly their wives thought of them.
The first bloke said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second bloke says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

2 eggs boiling in a pan
the female Egg says"look ive gt a crack"
the male egg replies"wot u telling me 4 am not f***** hard yet"

hello cagbot pmsl