Really Bad Jokes

[Rooster-UK]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light-bulb?
Only one, but the bulb must really WANT to change.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A Fish.

[HSBCrusher]

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nine.

One to do the job, the other 8 to sing about how good the old one was.

[PPMAN159]

A man goes to his doctor and says that he thinks that he is Tom Jones and if this disocrder is rare.

The Doctor replied 'Its not unusual'

[PPMAN159]

A man goes into a pub with an Octopus under his arm.

He says to the man behind the bar 'This Octopus can play any musical intrument that it is given' to which the barman replies 'OK see if it can play this guitar'

The next minute the Octopus is playing a wonderful tune on said guiitar.

The barman is not impressed and goes to get a trumpet.

No porblem for ther Octopus as it plays the trumpet like Louis Armstrong.

The barman is now beginnig to get a bit annoyed and tries to think of something that will stop the Octopus dead in its tracks.

He disappears for a short while and then returns with a set of bagpipes.

'See if it can play these'

The Otopus takes hold of the pipes but appears confused and not a sound is heard for over 10 minutes.

The barman asks the owner whjat the problem is, to which he replies

'Give him time-he is trying to work out whether to play it or f*** it'

[ohoh4312]

I think this ones quite good, but you really need to tell it to an Irish accountant (like my Dad for instance!):

Tony, a builder and Patrick, an accountant, sitting at the bar.

Tony asks: there are three trees with a pile of dung underneath each one. What does that make?

Patrick: I have absolutely no idea

Tony (in an Irish accent): Well tree trees are nine and tree turds are one, so ten of course. Call yourself an accountant?

[JennyTeighleiagh]

A man comes home from work, looking dejected, and his wife asks "What happened to you?"

"Leave me alone," says he, "I've had a bad day."

"I want to know why you are so miserable," says she.

"Okay," says he, "my boss walked in whilst I was humping the bacon slicer, and fired me"

"Oh my god," says she, "what happened to the bacon slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired as well..."

[dave]

Why computer programmers get Halloween and Christmas day confused?

'cos Dec25 = Oct31


(well, you asked for BAD jokes!)

[Rooster-UK]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

A little atom was crying at the side of the road.
His friend said, "Whatever is the matter?"
The atom replied, sobbing, "I've lost an electron"
His friend asked, "Are you sure?"
The atom said, "Yes. I'm positive!"

Ring around the neutron,
A pocket full of positrons,
A fission; A fusion,
We all fall down!

[dave]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He laid awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog!



An Englishman, Irishman and hypocondriac walk into a bar...

The Englishman says, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have beer"
The Irishman says, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have Guinness"
The hypocondriac says, "I'm tired and thirsty; I must have diabeties"


A dyslexic walks into a bra......

boom, boom!

[dizzy delilah]

One from my son...

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

[Spiceskull]

And from my son...what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea...

[Yoda]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

[dizzy delilah]

More from the kids...

Q.How did the giant destroy 3 countries in one holiday?
A. He dumped the Turkey in Greece, then fried it in Japan.

Q.What do sheep do on a sunny day?
A.They have a baa-baa-que!

[Yanni]

Three Scotsmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Scots buy just one ticket among them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the English. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Scots as they all board the train.
The English take their respective seats but all three Scots cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please”. The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it, clips it, returns it and moves on. The English are mightily impressed by this. Later, after the game, the English decide to copy the Scots(as always!)on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and learn," says one Scot.
When they board the train, the three Scots cram into a toilet, and soon after, the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Scots leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and saying, "Ticket please."

[suzieblooz]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her.She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey, you were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.".

[Spiceskull]

Originally Posted by suzieblooz

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.".

I've stopped crying with laughter now...reminds me of the similar one about a smoker coughing his lungs out...

[Lula]

yeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk