Handy Hints

[Fred Bassett]

Handy Hints


Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive

[sea-sidelady]

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

[SOD'EM]

I found a good tip in a magazine.

To save money on laundry bills, simply take all your washing to the nearest
Charity Shop. They will gladly wash and Iron it for you. Then call back first thing the next morning and buy them all back for 50p.

[Fred Bassett]

Originally Posted by SOD'EM

I found a good tip in a magazine.

To save money on laundry bills, simply take all your washing to the nearest
Charity Shop. They will gladly wash and Iron it for you. Then call back first thing the next morning and buy them all back for 50p.

Bloody good idea!!!

[Lula]

Originally Posted by Fred Bassett

Handy Hints



Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

bloody true, cracked me up too

[SOD'EM]

KIDS: Threading a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act Section 52, paragraph c.

[SOD'EM]

ELDERLY PEOPLE: Save having to get a flu jab every year by not queuing outside the Post Office every Tuesday morning in the pouring rain an hour before it opens. They won't run out of money. It's not like the queue outside the Butchers during the War.

[SOD'EM]

MUMS: If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper, simply convert Birthday wrapping paper by adding the word "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday"

[jowalshy]

A real tip for you

If your tile grout is looking dull. Don't buy the expensive grout cleaners and scrub away. Just buy shoe whitener and paint over the top of the yucky stained grout

[Fred Bassett]

Originally Posted by jowalshy

A real tip for you

If your tile grout is looking dull. Don't buy the expensive grout cleaners and scrub away. Just buy shoe whitener and paint over the top of the yucky stained grout

Jo, when my Grandma's bathroom and kitchen tiles fell out she used to stick them back with condensed milk. Worked a treat!

Regards.

Fred

[MONX]

Dont bother washing your undies, just pop them into the microwave for one minute on full power! Mmmmmm mircoclean!

[HSBCrusher]

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.


Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ******* thing in the first place, you fat *******.


Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.


Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.


Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

[HSBCrusher]

DIET TIP:
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. The subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea will enable you to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
FINANCE TIP: Save on electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
FINANCE TIP: Save on petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
HOUSEHOLD TIP: Drill a one inch diameter hole in your frige door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
HOUSEHOLD TIP: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Buy a television set exactly like your neighbors. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: During rush hour, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.
INEXPENSIVE ENTERTAINMENT: When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!" "I won!" "3rd time this week!"
PERSONAL HYGEINE: No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
SAFETY TIP: Never attempt to fasten your shoe laces in a revolving supermarket door.
TRAVELING TIP: Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have 'skinhead' haircuts a day or two before departure.
TRAVELING TIP: When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

[SOD'EM]

HOMELESS PEOPLE: Lighten your load by NOT buying a dog.
MOTORISTS: Deflate all your tyres before putting 20p in the forecourt air-line machine. That way you'll get your money's worth.
AIR FRANCE: Avoid paying compensation to passengers whose bags you have lost by simply not replying to any of their letters or emails. Chances are, it won't be worth their while pursuing you through the courts.
PRETEND to be a tiny person by pouring all the crisps from a multi-pack bag into the bag they all came in, and eating them out of that.
KEEP a copy of Mrs Doubtfire or Love Actually in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed.
CONVINCE your nan that she is going senile by moving the bookmark in her Barbara Cartland novel 10 pages forward when she's not looking.
SUBMARINE DESIGNERS: Why not put any water pipes on the outside of the sub? That way, if there is a burst, there is no harm done.
SLOVENLY HOUSEHOLDERS: Always keep a few 'Get Well Soon' cards on the mantelpiece. When unexpected visitors arrive, you can tell them that you have not been well and that is why the house is untidy.
RE-USABLE canvas shopping bags make an excellent receptacle to store all the bags you are left with after trips to the supermarket.
FATTIES: Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-Shirt with 'All Newsreaders Are *£"$%s' on it.
MONKS: Conduct a life of celibacy and emotional solitude without joining a monastery by simply living with my wife. It's more comfortable and you'll be able to watch TV and use the internet.

[SOD'EM]

QUEENS: If a large jewel falls out of one's sceptre, it can easily be replaced with a Pear Drop of the same colour, from which one has sucked the sugar coating.
QUEENS: Don't throw away old crowns. They make excellent cosies for ones Ming Dynasty Teapots.
HOUSEWIVES: Make the usually mundane task of switching the central heating on a little more exciting by singing 'The Heating's On' to the tune of 80's hit The Heat Is On by Glen Frey as you are doing it.
MOURNERS: Read the dress code instructions on funeral invitations very carefully. Somber, whilst being only 2 letters away from Sombrero, is a world apart in tone.
RYANAIR PASSENGERS: These days, they let ALL passengers off the planes, thus eliminating the need to all clamber to the front the second the aircraft lands.
CITY LINK COURIERS: When delivering parcels to an address you are unfamiliar with, why not check on your GPS system. This will save you the hassle of telling your bossyou tried to deliver it but there was nobody in. It would also save the poor sod who waited in all day taking another day off work.
STATELY HOME OWNERS: Sprinkle pepper into the helmets of suits of armour so as any intruders who hide in them when being chased will give themselves away by sneezing, just after you walk past.
DEFY