Just got this in my inbox lmao.
Too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
Entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
Reported:
(1) On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
Crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
Altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
Comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
(2) On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
Belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
Something we'd like to have."
(3) "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are
Only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."
(4) As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice Came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
(5) After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide,
A flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care
When opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
Sure as f*** everything has shifted!"
(6) From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
Tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
How to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
(7) "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
From the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
Face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
Assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,
Pick your favourite.
"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds,
But we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
Nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
(9) "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event
Of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
With our compliments.
(10) Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
Bumpy and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
The airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
Attendant's' fault... It was the asphalt!"
(11) Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
To the terminal."
(12) An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
His ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
The first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
And give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in Light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
The eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
Had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
Said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
(13) After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
Came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
Halt against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning
Bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
The wreckage to the terminal."
(14) Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like
To thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
The insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised
Metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
(15) A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
Cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good
And, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax - "****! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on
the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Cabin Announcements 
Still, what's a lack of conscience when there is a profit to be had! Mr O'Leary -bow your head in shame!.
